Thursday, December 10, 2009

last day of finals :)


Life is a storm, my young friend. You will bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What makes you a man is what you do when that storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout as you did in Rome. Do your worst, for I will do mine! Then the fates will know you as we know you: as Albert Mondego, the man. - Edmond, The Count of Monte Cristo

I was reminded of that quote when reading my devotional this morning. It's an oldie but goodie. :)

The devotional said:

If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort. - 2 Corinthians 1:6-7

Are there some people in your circle of friends to whom you naturally go in times of trial & sorrow - people who always seem to say just the right words and who give you the very counsel you so desire? If so, you may not realize the high cost they have paid to become so skilled at binding up your gaping wounds and drying your tears. Yet if you were to investigate their past, you would find they have suffered more than most other people.

They have watched the silver cord on which the lamp of life hung slowly unravel. The have seen the golden bowl of joy smashed at their feet, and its contents spilled {this line made me think of the 'Count' quote} They have experienced raging tides, withering crops, and darkness at high noon, but all this has been necessary to make them into nurses, physicians, and ministers of others.

It's the day we've all been waiting for - the last day of the term. When I think back on this semester I am so thankful for both the highlights - the best of times - but also the hurdles - the difficult times - that have come my way. I've certainly felt both extremes described by the quote this term - the basking in the sunlight, and the shattered on the rock part.

Before my last exam two friends of mine commented on how calm I seem. I feel very calm this morning, too. I think 'calm' would not have described me pre-test in undergrad, so it is nice to know I have grown some since then haha. Often we don't recognize growth along the way but our friends or certain occurances serve as mirrors to show us we are changed, different, better, still moving forward by God's grace. Thank you for your prayers, Uncle Bill & Allison, and anybody else. :)

"O Sovereign LORD, remember me. O God, please strengthen me just once more" - Judges 16:28

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

christmas vests & fidelity

Hello blog! I sit listening to the wind howling outside my window on what has been a blustery December day("oh the weather outside is frightful..."). My lil hot pink Christmas tree & Robin's white Christmas lights on the garland *brighten* up the room. My advent calendar that I won as the RENFRO 2009 THANKSGIVING BINGO CHAMPION is prominently displayed! December 8th. When the heck did it become December 8th?!

In 2 days from now I will be at a tacky Christmas sweater party with my classmates. We will be celebrating the end of the semester with great holiday cheer.

I am wearing what I have worn to every tacky Christmas sweater party I've attended (only 2 - Pi Kapp's Christmas Crunk!): my Christmas vest (this year, with my gray dress)!! Christmas Crunk was SO much fun: one of the brothers would dress as Santa & would deliver presents, there would be holiday goodies like peppermint bark & gingerbread, & Santa would read the Night Before Christmas. For Christmas Crunk freshman year, Spencer and I found these vests at Goodwill and decided to go to the party both wearing such incredibly fashionable attire. Then I wore it junior year too, same party. Thursday's party is going to be aaaaamazing. Austin Rainey is going as Santa. I cannot wait.




And Saturday, my gal pal Amy (non-law school friend) is ALSO having a tacky sweater party. Guess what I'm wearing? Tacky vest? You betcha. Alex Maclin said I should wear the exact same thing to both parties. I just might. Why not. Guys repeat outfits all the time.

Speaking of guys/boys/men...

One of my friends wrote on twitter a few days ago:

Why are all my sports idols unfaithful husbands? Is it really that hard?

This friend, a Mr. Adams, was a big fan of McNair and also Tiger Woods. I always thought Tiger and his wife were a lovely couple. 5 years ago they sailed off into the sunset on a yacht after promising to be faithful and to love each other for better or worse. Lovely? Yes. Trouble in paradise? Absolutely. No thank you. Wouldn't want to be in Mrs. Woods' shoes for anything.

Who cares if you can sail off like that and have an elaborate million dollar wedding if you don't renew those vows every day, and every day choose to love the person you made a promise to God (or if not to God, you promised your spouse!) that you would love??

I said to my roommate, "Kobe Bryant, Steve McNair, and now Tiger! What does this mean?" And she said, "Men cheat!" She was joking. But what she said after was that when people - men or women - are given whatever they want they think they can have and do whatever they want, which is I think a good answer to Mr. Adams' question.

I believe there are still good faithful men out there. I know there are men out there who desire to be faithful to their wives and truly love their wives - I know plenty of them. I hope God brings one of my own into my life one day; this good faithful woman looks forward to loving a good faithful man when the time is right. Song of Solomon says to not arouse or awaken love until the proper time. My friend (Megan Flynn - referencing your wisdom) said when its supposed to work it will, it will be easy, and you'll just click & know. Doesn't that sound glorious!

Mr. Adams also copied what someone else "tweeted" which was:

Faithful men exist but they are the men women ignore, won't talk to, take their drink in the club and walk away

I hate it when nice guys feel like nice guys finish last. They don't. Your reward for not being a douche pays off. It does. I am tempted to be disheartened myself for being a "good girl." But it is worth it. It pleases God, for one, and it is the better way to be. There are plenty of people still totally infatuated with the bad guys and bad girls; guys who want girls like Megan Foxx who is sooo trashy and girls who will put up with douches who mistreat them. What is going on in the world these days. I think Taylor Swift is a breath of fresh air among the teenyboopers "good girls gone bad," and I think there's lots of guys out there who agree.

She's a good girl, loves her mama, loves Jesus, and America too...I think that's a pretty good way to classify a gal if you ask me. :)

i hope it's going to make you notice, i hope it's going to make you notice, someone like me. (kings of leon)

Friday, December 4, 2009

happy friday!

Finishing my contracts final was a GREAT feeling.

Even better was getting a peppermint mocha frappachino and driving home down Poplar, where there were very pretty snowflake lights twinkling! That was like icing on the cake. Christmas liiiiiiiights!!!!

Now, I am going to play trivia for the first time with some of my best friends here. Now that's like sprinkles on the icing on the cake. Perfect study break, chance to clear my head and get some good laughs in before having to buckle down again.

I feel it, I'm on the home stretch now, folks :)

Thursday, December 3, 2009

beloved.

Beloved by Tenth Ave North: God's heart towards you, God's heart towards me. A heart of pure, passionate, unfailing, redemptive, never ending love, that entered our broken world so we could know Him and spend eternity with Him.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me now

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

That song was just what I needed to hear. I'm listening to it on repeat before I go to sleep.

It's the message I needed to hear because today has been a rather long day. I'm worn out & feel like I've read this stuff over & over again so my eyes just start skimming & stop absorbing. I had the worst headache - probably from reading this outline that has really small font - so I took a nap. And a bubble bath. And some advil. Headache is gone, thank you God. Come on body, don't fail me now, just one more week.

I'm so nervous & feel so much pressure. I want to do my best. I don't want to fail. I really really really want to be in law school and am so thankful and happy to be here, I don't want to have to leave. I feel called to be here. I have felt such a peace here and feel like I am where God wants me.

I'm nervous that if I don't do well - what? People will think differently of me? Won't like me as much? Won't be as proud of me? I'm giving it my best.

I know at the end of the day my performance on these tests is not what defines me, and I am not just saying that to make myself feel better; no, in these hard times I can rest in Him, knowing He calls me beloved no matter what I do, no matter when I fail or fall or question and turn from His love. My identity and my worth is because God deems me worthy, and worth loving. I know I just have to trust Him when He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I know I have to trust Him, period. Because I often can't understand the purpose of things. I ask why, but instead of answers, I need a heart that will trust Him fully. I can trust Him to care for me, that He knows best. As the year wraps up, I have more questions than answers but a greater awareness of His strength and that I can cast my cares on Him because He cares for me, & that He already knows what I'm going through anyway, and runs to meet me where I am with open arms.

Sunday, November 29, 2009

thankful

Even on the most difficult days, life is a privilege and a joy.

That pretty much sums up life right now. :)

...my shortest blog post ever...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

this i must share

Many, many former 1Ls have been quite quick to dispense wisdom or go off on a tirade about how worried they are about finals.

One of my friends said simply, "don't worry about finals. You'll be fine."

That was the BEST advice I've received yet.

Sure, there's a healthy apprehension to have in approaching these big tests. They are very important.

But I am a Christian, and my God instructs me to cast my cares on Him & NOT to worry. God NEVER says worry is an appropriate response; worry seems to show we are not trusting in Him to take care of us. Worry doesn't have any room in the life of a believer, if you think about it. It is...useless. Unproductive. Unhealthy. Unnecessary. Therefore, if I study hard, do the best I can, why should I worry about what happens? Maybe that sounds naive. I can control the outcome of my exam performance to the best of my ability, but cannot control that which is beyond my control.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. - Sunscreen Song

I COULD worry, but I know that worry is ineffective. I am instead channeling that energy towards my task at hand and towards staying positive.

Zeke, I seem to recall that you do not like Jason Mraz, but I am confident he was on to something when he said: "I WON'T WORRY MY LIFE AWAY." :)

I don't think this is a naive approach. I am not saying "hakuna matata" - problem free philosophy. There are legit problems. But don't worry about them.

There's a bumper sticker that says "Relax God is in Control" with a penguin getting eaten by a goldfish being told by another penguin to relax. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about!

Happy Sunday :)

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

7/22


7 more days until I am going home for Thanksgiving. :)

22 more days until my last exam. :)

I have not been home in 10.5 weeks. Longest I've ever been away.

I miss home. But...I'm not homesick...or aching for it really. I'm just really, really, really excited about going back to see my family.

It rained yesterday and the chill in the air has lingered. It finally feels like winter is on its way, but it's crazy to think that next week is THANKSGIVING, &, next week, there's only a MONTH until Christmas! Whoa!

I guess you could say, about this time next week, I will be homeward bound...

Here are some pictures from last year's Thanksgiving. I have a big, wonderful, loving family. Things can get a little nuts at times. We always enjoy being together & eat until we cannot breathe on this holiday. We are blessed. :)



Saturday, November 7, 2009

palpable peace

Sorry Uncle Bill, no real life update, just quotes. Please don't say 'oh you should be studying.' Be assured I am. I am also taking time to take care of my soul which keeps my head well above the waters and helps sharpen my focus for spending hours in the books. :)

If you want to imagine what I am doing, right now I am sitting on my balcony. The leaves that remain on the big tree in front of me rustle and dance in the wind. It's a place I go to sit and the peace is palpable and I know I am going to be alright.

Jay had a quote from the story people on his facebook about a girl crying not because she was sad but because life was so beautiful and short and I experience that out here. Its the kind of feeling you get when you stand beside the ocean or under a sky full of stars and feel small in a good way. In a really good way.

I feel assured that if this was my last day that I have lived it well, I have loved unreservedly with a full heart, and that's what God asks of me. Anger or bitterness can have no room in a heart that seeks to love and I imagine any of those poisonous emotions falling from me like the leaves falling from this tree to make way for something better, namely, love. My branches shall be shedding anything that doesn't please God; He'll shake it from me if I don't shuffle it off myself.

People say 'live every day as if it is your last,' & out here i think, 'if this was my last day, have i lived it well, without any lingering regrets, leaving words unspoken?' I try to give more than i take, try to leave things better than i found them. don't always succeed but sometimes i do. i believe heaven will be where we can love unreservedly, keeping our hearts wide open, where we can love and not fear, and so that's what i try to do now. people put walls up to protect themselves, but in doing so they keep out good things. there will come a day when every longing for love is satisfied & we will see love without fear or motives or chance of loss. saw a quote that said, "ships are safe in the harbor, but thats not what ships are for." so i will sail my vessel, until the river runs dry, as the garth brooks song says:

So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll tke soome falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all


And below are some story people quotes that delighted me because they remind me that life & God & love are so much grander than the anxieties that gnaw at me. they remind me that life is magnificent & magical & i hope to never loose this sense of wonder at the glory of it all, that God has done & continues to do. Another famous song says, when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, i hope you dance, and that's what the first quote makes me think of, because, tonight, i am choosing to dance. :)


Don't you hear it? she asked & I shook my head no & then she started to dance & suddenly there was music everywhere & it went on for a very long time & when I finally found words all I could say was thank you.

"There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain & remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself.'

"Hard to impress because she's already seen the sun rise today & it doesn't get much better than that."

there came a moment in the middle of the song when she suddenly felt every heartbeat in the room & after that she never forgot she was part of something much bigger

I have heard too much beauty to ever go back, he said & in that moment, I knew there was no way the children of our world would fail.

I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said.

"The loss is not yours alone, she said & you will see it in their eyes when they do not think you are watching. How long does it take? I said & she put her hand on my chest & we did not speak. "

Sitting there in your pajamas & all the time in the world & if I could keep any moment it would be this: watching you & holding my breath with the wonder of it all

I only do this until I get dizzy & then I lay down on my back & watch the clouds, she said. It sounds simple but you won't believe how many people forget the second part

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Dare you to move

What happens now? What happens now?
I dare you to move, dare you to move
Dare you to lift yourself off of the floor
- Switchfoot

So as I was leaving school today my car got crunched. I had cars behind me and the girl in a big ol' truck was backing up and I kept honking at her because I couldn't move and she did not see me (or hear me, apparently) and crunched into me and knocked my light out. It's still attached and works and the car's still drivable, but it really shook me up. And, I couldn't find my purse so I ran back into the building frantically looking for it, but it was in my car after all, under a newspaper (I was SO worried it was stolen & the cop was going to write me up for driving without a license!). Yea. A bit sh sh shakin, shakin' up.

So, as I told my mom, I was literally hit when I was down. I felt like I was on a roll until Wednesday, and since then, things have been ultra tough. Perhaps tomorrow will be better? Perhaps the week will end better than it started? Perhaps!

A friend had asked me to go on a walk today and some friends are going to the season opener of Memphis basketball tonight. After my lil accident today I was tempted not to do either, thinking I wouldn't be the most sterling of company since I don't feel like my chipper self & I hate not feeling like myself. But I went on the walk and it was GREAT. It was a beautiful fall day and my gal pal is a happy-go-lucky chick just rolling along, doing her thing, loving life. Just what I needed.

Satan likes to tempt us to show us what we don't have that we miss out on everything we do have. The sun comes up and a new day comes even when we may not feel we have enough joy or strength to face it, but I know I need to keep the Switchfoot song in mind and think of it as God's dare to us, daring us to keep going, keep running towards the goal He has called us towards in Christ, daring us to lift ourselves off of the floor. Maybe we failed in some way or were rejected or felt like we tried our best and it wasn't good enough, but the story doesn't end there.

We can be thankful He cares enough to till up & break up the stagnant soil of our hearts for planting and cares enough about us to run us through the refiner's fire so we will be better, purer, stronger, instead of leaving us alone, letting us settle, being indifferent. Apathy and indifference is worse than hatred because it is saying you don't even care enough to feel a strong emotion. But God cares, oh does He care. He cares enough to take away what we love if it is holding us back from our potential and what is best for us. He cares enough to protect us from our complacency in order to give us HIS BEST -- if we are complacent to make mud pies He cares us enough to show us a vacation at sea is available to us, as CS Lewis says.

It won't be more than we can stand. It won't kill us. It will make us stronger.

So as Kanye West says I'm going to say to God: IMMA LET U FINISH. I know He isn't done with me yet! :)

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Hello, November

Last year's Halloween was one of the highlights of that fall. Memories, memories. Definitely what you'd call GOOD TIMES.

This year, I went as Dorothy and wore a sundress & had a black dog purse that I found at TJ Maxx as my Toto. I watched Wizard of Oz when I was getting ready. I went to a party a classmate of mine had then went to bed. Just had a heavy heart. However, with each day that passes it gets lighter. God takes care of me & this heart of mine.

A gal pal & I went to dinner tonight and that was such a great way to start the week. It's a new day, new week, & a new month today.

God says He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me & not to harm me, plans to give me a hope & a future.

The leaves are gold & brown & green & the sky is blue. November is here. That means I got to change my calendar and set the clocks back today. Sitting out on the balcony studying in the crisp fall air was a treat. For the first time I am not terribly miserable being cold. I'm just kind of rolling with it. Worse things have happened. Haha.

I have 3 more weeks of classes. Then examinations. Then a month break for Christmas - woot woot. I try to get out of the law building as soon as I can because people are starting to get stressed. I miss my Lu.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

I love you. Love, God

I woke up to an email from my friend Maggie with a youtube link to this worship song. It captures God's love for us quite well and ministered to me today. I hope it blesses you too.

The bottom line of God's message to us is "I'll never forsake you, my love never ends."

Tenth Avenue North - "Times"

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (repeat 4)
i hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

can't be said enough

LIFE IS PRECIOUS.

Brian Ralls, who graduated with me, class of '05 from Brentwood Academy, brother of my Tridelta sister Emily, son of Pat Ralls, my mom's bible study leader & one of her closest friends, was killed today in a head-on collision. The driver was reaching for her cell phone and swerved across the median into his lane. There are a lot of VERY sad people in Brentwood tonight.

My mom and I talked a bit. She was at the Ralls' but was leaving soon. It's been 5 years since my cousin died and it still takes my breath away how painful losing her was & is. I would never want anyone to walk down the road of losing a loved one. God has shown my family that His promises are real & true & when the bottom falls out, are something that holds, something that we can hold on to.

God has shown us, & I pray & trust will show the Ralls, what it means to be loved & His promise when everything fell, we'd be held by Him, in His arms, arms that will not fail. And that, my friends, is a hope we can cling to, a real, real hope.

I wish I could be with my family tonight.



"Held" - Natalie Grant
Two months is too little
They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
Were asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
If hope if born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held


Love never fails.
God is love.
:)

Thursday, October 22, 2009

borrowed from Brita's blog...

I saw this little story on my gal pal Brita's blog and just had to re-post it = This.is.awesome. May we all share this little boy's aspiration!

Today, my mom got a call from my little brothers elementary school. His kindergarten teacher went around the circle and asked him what they wanted to be when they grew up. He answered "Happy." The teacher then responded "No...you don't understand the question." My litle brother fired back with "Well, you don't understand life." I now have no doubt we are related.

Think about that for a minute, let it sink in.

Wherever I go, whatever I do, I want to be happy when I grow up, too. A happy Christian, because I'm homeward bound; a happy lawyer, because I am doing the Lord's work; a happy member of my family - whether I stay daughter/sister/granddaughter/niece/cousin/sister-in-law or also become wife/mother - because I'm pointing people to God; a happy friend who God uses to encourage and share His love with others. :)

Monday, October 19, 2009

what matters

Well folks, I deactivated my facebook account today. If you'd like to reach me, Lrenfro1@memphis.edu or call/text. I am just trying to use my time better; something had to go, and it wasn't going to be sleep. And, people around these parts like to post about how much they're studying & how hard they're working, & it was getting to me, making me think I'm not doing enough. Whatever. Mind games. I'll reactivate once exams are over and people are less consumed with their busyness.

I had a great talk with my mom today. Aren't moms wonderful? Mine's been my biggest support; she's got a gift of encouragement, that's for sure. Don't know what I'd do without her.

My mom's sister's house caught on fire last night. It's just stuff, they said. They're assessing the damage. Everyone is ok, THANK GOD. Cling to the ones you love, they're what's important at the end of the day. Love is all that matters after all, as this Carrie Underwood song says, but we tend to make a priority of what's not important, what won't matter a year from now. What matters is God, & family, & friends. Our calling is to let God love us, and let that love overflow to others, as Mother Teresa says. What matters is love.

I dedicate this song to Megan Flynn & my mom. The music video has a mother & daughter hugging in it. You should watch it. It's awesome.


What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

[Chorus]
'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

[Verse 2]
It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

[Chorus]
Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh it sure makes everything else
Seem so small
"So Small" - Carrie Underwood

Friday, October 16, 2009

some HAPPY FRIDAY thoughts

Satan was trying to discourage me. And for a moment I listened.

How quickly he'll move in and try to weigh us down so we are of no use to God and of no use to others! Now I see how he was trying to do this to me and GOOD NEWS. I'm back! I'm back in the game. I have the Holy Spirit & love of Christ & Christ's shield of faith on my side (if God is for us, who can be against us?!). Go take your despair elsewhere, you can't shake the joy & love Christ gives & wells up in me!

This is what it means to be a conqueror. I am a conqueror & co-heir with Christ, and firm on his promise I'll stand.

Devil tries to tempt us to (1) be discouraged & (2) doubt, which breaks the bond of faith that unites us with our Father. Do not be tricked either way. It IS a trick! His assaults are real.

So, "return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you" - Psalm 116:7.

Yesterday I got my measurements taken & ordered my bridesmaids dress for the Kelleher-Tonnsen WEDDING. :) I LOVE THE DRESS. And I just discovered it has pockets. Scooooooooooooore. See below - I will be rockin the same style (& same color too) come June 18th!!!

Hokey, off to class then off to FURMAN HOMECOMING!!! HAPPY FRIDAY!!! :)

Sunday, October 11, 2009

There's no place like home




It's there, I know it it is, because when I look at you I can feel it. And I look at you & I'm home! - Dory, Finding Nemo

That's a quote my little sis, my sweet lil Al, said reminded her of me. Oh, how I cannot wait to see my girls!!!

"Welcome Home" will greet me on Friday in purple print when Caroline and I arrive on Furman's campus.

I look at you and I'm home.

That's all it takes. I can be home in Brentwood, I can be home in Greenville. I've found I can be home in Memphis and feel quite at home here to the point that part of me doesn't even want to leave to go to my Greenville home. I. Love. It. Here.

Each of these places wouldn't be home without the people that evoke these great feelings of joy & love & sense of belonging.

It's kind of like this:

You give to me just what I'm seeking
You quench my heart, You quench my mind
- Two Step, Dave Matthews Band

To feel at home is to find and receive what you're seeking.

Here, I feel very much at home. :)

It's that - if I ever go looking for my heart's desire again, I won't look any further than my own back yard. Because if it isn't there, I never really lost it to begin with! Is that right? Oh, but anyway, Toto, we're home. Home! And this is my room, and you're all here. And I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again, because I love you all, and - oh, Auntie Em - there's no place like home! - Dorothy, Wizard of Oz

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

faithful love

He is my faithful love. Psalm 144:2

What I think His faithful love sounds like, His never-will-I-leave you & never-will-I-forsake-you kind of love, His always present, always abundant, always sufficient, always passionate, protective, restorative, healing, comforting, joy-of-man's desiring, love-that-will-not-let-me-go love.


I will not take my love away
When praises cease and seasons change
While the whole world turns the other way
I will not take my love away

I will not leave you all alone
When striving leads you far from home
And there's no yield for what you've sown
I will not leave you all alone

I will give you what you need
In plenty or in poverty
Forever, always, look to me
And I will give you what you need

words of affirmation

Mark Twain said, "I can live for two months on a good compliment."

Perhaps words of affirmation is my love language. Kind words sure make me glow.

It's not every day that, after being volunteered by my favorite professor to participate in class one of my classmates told me, "look at you, having all the right answers," and, having a dear friend tell me, in so many words, that I'm a blessing & they're so glad they met me. :)

But it was one of those days today!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

tastes like fall

rooms' pumpkin cookie recipe.

i want to make these so i snagged this off facebook just now.

Preheat to 350.. mix 1 c canned pumpkin, 1 c white sugar, 1 egg, 1/2 c applesauce (unsweet), 1 c white flour, 1 c wheat flour, 2 tsp baking powder, 2 tsp cinnamon, 1 tsp allspice, 1/2 tsp salt, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp milk, 1 T vanilla, 1 12 oz bag semisweet chocolate chips, and 3/4 c chopped walnuts :) :) in that order.... and bake for ... 10 mins!! (i modified it to make it healthy, but you can swap white flour for plain and oil for applesauce)

fall is here. officially, and you can feel it outside for sure.

ah, yes, today there was quite a chill in the air. its that time of year when i get cold, pale, & plump. lol. awesome.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

channeling jessie lee

God blessed me with three incredible women for roommates my senior & junior year at Furman.

One of them, a Miss Jessie Lee, wrote a blog post that I remembered because similar things she thought about months ago I'm thinking about today, and she can say it better than I ever could.

Once upon a time Jessie mused....

i think selflessness is a sacrifice of self. i think that means putting others' needs above your own. i think that means being willing to get hurt if it will help someone else, if it will encourage their heart, if it will help them recover from something they've lost.

masochism, right?

see, not necessarily.

the kicker is that all the while, your self has to be wrapped up in the only one who can hold it together through all of those things. this does not mean a reckless chucking of the heart to anywhere but here and calling it faith. the real meaning of selflessness is not an avoidance of self's existence, it is a conscientious placement of the self, my self, in God's hands, so that he may put it wherever it is needed. and more often than not, my friends, my heart is needed elsewhere. did you notice the subconscious interchanging of the words "self" and "heart?" that was not intentional, but it is the most accurate description of how i view both of those things.

the desperation in selflessness comes from a lack of trust in the one who has your heart. or it may be that you've misplaced your heart thinking you've put it in his hands.

i cannot escape the charge i feel to give. i think it is true and right and i think that giving of my heart is something that i couldn't avoid if i tried. in fact, i think most of my intense struggles have come from a mis-allocation of the resources i've been given. meaning, i don't ever stop or shift from that mindset, i just put it toward inappropriate things.

and, you know, none of this is to say that i've learned nothing, or that my mistakes were only that. they've all been really great growth processes and i wouldn't erase them if i could.

i think, right now, all i can do is continue using my heart for what it's been made. giving. i think i need to stop asking why questions and start asking how and what questions. how best can i love people? what do they really need from me? i think if i do that faithfully and with my full heart i will have a wonderful, rewarding life.

when all is said and done
i'd never count the cost
it's worth all that's lost
just to see you smile

[tim mcgraw]

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

story time = angels

My mama sent this to me. Gave me chills. Jesus is the light in our dark world. :)


On Palm Sunday many of us sing a hymn contain­ing these lines:


The Angel armies of the skies

Look down with sad and wondering eyes

To see the approaching Sacrifice.


That, of course, is "only a hymn", but we have at least one piece of evidence from the Gospels that the angels of God are interested in human affairs. For Jesus Him­self said: "I tell you there is joy among the angels in Heaven over one sinner that repenteth." (Luke 15:10). If, then, there is joy, why should there not be sorrow? And why, in­deed, should not those other beings which God has created, different though they may be from ourselves, watch the unfolding of the human drama with the deep­est interest? These celestial beings live, as far as we know, perpetually in the Royal Presence. Apart from the fact that they are sometimes used as messengers, seen or unseen, from that world to this, we know nothing of the reasons for their existence. Nevertheless, it helps sometimes to break in imagination the fetters of earth and try to see things from the angels' point of view. We might even go so far as to say that this is part of Paul's thought when he talks of it being possible to "sit to­gether with Christ" (Ephesians 2:6).



It may give us a fresh perspective on life, if for a few moments we shed the limitations of earthbound think­ing and detach ourselves deliberately from modem pres­sures and problems. Let us pretend for a little while; the pretence may be fanciful, but it may help us to let the real truth break over us afresh.



Once upon a time a very young angel was being shown round the splendours and glories of the universes by a senior and experienced angel. To tell the truth, the little angel was beginning to be tired and a little bored. He had been shown whirling galaxies and blazing suns, infinite distances in the deathly cold of inter‑stellar space, and to his mind there seemed to be an awful lot of it all. Finally he was shown the galaxy of which our planetary system is but a small part. As the two of them drew near to the star which we call our sun and to its circling planets, the senior angel pointed to a small and rather insignificant sphere turning very slowly on its axis. It looked as dull as a dirty tennis‑ball to the little angel, whose mind was filled with the size and glory of what he had seen.



"I want you to watch that one particularly," said the senior angel, pointing with his finger.



"Well, it looks very small and rather dirty to me," said the little angel. "What's special about that one?"



"That,"' replied his senior solemnly, "is the Visited Planet."



"Visited?" said the little one. "You don't mean visited by --‑?"



"Indeed I do. That ball, which I have no doubt looks to you small and insignificant and not perhaps over‑clean, has been visited by our young Prince of Glory." And at these words he bowed his head reverently.



"But how?" queried the younger one. "Do you mean that our great and glorious Prince, with all these wonders and splendours of His Creation, and millions more that I’m sure I haven't seen yet, went down in Person to this fifth‑rate little ball? Why should He do a thing like that?"



"It isn't for us," said his senior a little stiffly, "'to ques­tion His "why's" except that I must point out to you that He is not impressed by size and numbers, as you seem to be. But that He really went I know, and all of us in Heaven who know anything know that. As to why He became one of them ‑ how else do you suppose could He visit them?"



The little angel's face wrinkled in disgust.



"Do you mean to tell me," he said, "that He stooped so low as to become one of those creeping, crawling creatures of that floating ball?"



"I do, and I don't think He would like you to call them 'creeping, crawling creatures` in that tone of voice. For, strange as it may seem to us, He loves them. He went down to visit them to lift them up to become like Him



The little angel looked blank. Such a thought was al­most beyond his comprehension.



"Close your eyes for a moment," said the senior angel, "and we will go back in what they call Time."



While the little angel's eyes were closed and the two of them moved nearer to the spinning ball, it stopped its spinning, spun backwards quite fast f or a while, and then slowly resumed its usual rotation.



"Now look!" And as the little angel did as he was told, there appeared here and there on the dull surface of the globe little flashes of light, some merely momentary and some persisting for quite a time.



"Well, what am I seeing now?" queried the little angel.



"You are watching this little world as it was some thousands of years ago." returned his companion. "Every flash and glow of light that you see is something of the Father's knowledge and wisdom breaking into the minds and hearts of people who live upon the earth. Not many people, you see, can hear His Voice or understand what He says, even though He is speaking gently and quietly to them all the time."



"Why are they so blind and deaf and stupid?" asked the junior angel rather crossly.



"It is not for us to judge them. We who live in the Splendour have no idea what it is like to live in the dark. We hear the music and the Voice like the sound of many waters every day of our lives, but to them ‑ well, there is much darkness and much noise and much distraction upon the earth. Only a few who are quiet and humble and wise hear His Voice. But watch, for in a moment you will see something truly wonderful."



The Earth went on turning and circling round the sun, and then quite suddenly, in the upper half of the globe, there appeared a light, tiny but so bright in its intensity that both the angels hid their eyes.



"I think I can guess," said the little angel in a low voice. "That was the Visit, wasn't it"



"Yes, that was the Visit. The Light Himself went down there and lived among them; but in a moment, and you will be able to tell that even with your eyes closed, the light will go out."



"But why? Could He not bear their darkness and stupidity? Did He have to return here?"



"No, it wasn't that," returned the senior angel. His voice was stern and sad. "They failed to recognise Him for Who He was ‑ or at least only a handful knew Him. For the most part they preferred their darkness to His Light, and in the end they killed Him."



"The fools, the crazy fools! They don't deserve --‑"



"Neither you nor I, nor any other angel, knows why they were so foolish and so wicked. Nor can we say what they deserve or don't deserve. But the fact remains, they killed our Prince of Glory while He was Man amongst them."



"And that I suppose was the end? I see the whole Earth has gone black and dark. All right, I won't judge them, but surely that is all they could expect?"



"'Wait, we are still far from the end of the story of the Visited Planet. Watch now, but be ready to cover your eyes again."



In utter blackness the earth turned round three times, and then there blazed with unbearable radiance a point of light.



"What now?" asked the little angel, shielding his eyes.



"They killed Him all right, but He conquered death. The thing most of them dread and fear all their lives He broke and conquered. He rose again, and a few of them saw Him and from then on became His utterly devoted slaves."



"Thank God for that," said the little angel.



"Amen. Open your eyes now, the dazzling light has gone. The Prince has returned to His Home of Light. But watch the Earth now."



As they looked, in place of the dazzling light there was a bright glow which throbbed and pulsated. And then as the Earth turned many times little points of light spread out. A few flickered and died; but for the most part the lights burned steadily, and as they continued to watch, in many parts of the globe there was a glow over many areas.



"You see what is happening?" asked the senior angel. "The bright glow is the company of loyal men and women He left behind, and with His help they spread the glow and now lights begin to shine all over the Earth."



"Yes, yes," said the little angel impatiently, "but how does it end? Will the little lights join up with each other? Will it all be light, as it is in Heaven?"



His senior shook his head. "We simply do not know," he replied. "It is in the Father's hands. Sometimes it is agony to watch and sometimes it is joy unspeakable. The end is not yet. But now I am sure you can see why this little ball is so important. He has visited it; He is working out His Plan upon it."



"Yes, I see, though I don't understand. I shall never forget that this is the Visited Planet."



Imaginary? Fanciful? Certainly, but a good deal truer than some of our current modem thinking. For in the eyes of the Eternal World this little planet is of the highest importance simply because it is the Visited Planet. We may not realise it at all, but we are right plumb in the middle of a vast drama, a tremendous battle between light and darkness. The whole core and essence of the Christian Faith, which many of us hold so lightly, is that Light Himself visited our darkness, scaled down to fit the human scene. It is true that since the Visit we know for certain that this rolling ball is by no means our permanent home; our destiny is higher even than that of the angels. But today, and every day that we live in the here‑and‑now, we are part of the vast Experiment, the age‑long Battle, whose stage and testing‑ground is the planet which we call the Earth.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

appropriate

I deleted my last post.

I don't know if it was appropriate.

I've often used this blog as an outlet to express what I'm thinking or feeling, and thought the last post was ok, that it was an expression of a something I hope for & something my uncle counseled me on & something I read about in Wild at Heart, but out of respect for someone I think the world of I will refrain from posts that have anything to do with my thoughts on relationships. Or maybe I should make this blog completely private? I don't know.

I'm so sorry.

Monday, September 14, 2009

He promises to fill, heal, & give REST

All ye heavy laden
All ye heavy hearted
All ye heavy burdened
Oh come, He will give you rest

O come and be filled
O come and be healed
By the spirit of the Lord

Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you. 1 Peter 5:8

SD gave me this song in a worship mix. Praise God for her & praise God for providing her with a godly man as a fiance!!! SOOOOOO exciting!!!!

I worshiped God by the river tonight (He leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul - Psalm 23) listening to it.

My God is the God that provides & calls me to lay down my burdens & will instead fill me, heal me, lead me to rest.

GOD'S LOVE IS AMAZING! Oh how He loves us so (also on my worship mix!). God is the only thing that can satisfy our hearts and fill them. Sometimes you just gotta be present to Him and let Him love on you & let Him calm your heart & experience how much He delights in you.

I'm so glad I went down to the river to pray.

PLANS

I like plans. Making them, having them - not breaking them.

God makes plans, too.

God has a Plan A. But we are selfish & stubborn & stupid & mess up Plan A, and so He gives us Plan B. Sometimes Plan B is 10x better than Plan A. But with God there is never a dead end as long as we trust in Him, and His plans for us - whether it be Plan A, Plan B, Plan X, Y, Z - are to prosper us and never to harm us and to give us hope and a future like Jeremiah 29:11 says.

I do not know what God's plan is for me in regards to a future with a significant other. I do know & am learning to trust that His plan is always better than any plan I could make for myself. And it takes time for Him to harvest seeds He's planted to prepare me for greater blessings, & takes time to figure these things out, and what better way to teach an impatient (cough cough ME) person patience than making them wait on the Lord, trust in the Lord? And in doing so, already, these past few weeks I have been SO richly rewarded.

I do not know what God's plan is for my life is right now. But I do know, as Mother Teresa says, right now, today, and every day of my life I DO know what I am called to do. I am called to let Jesus love me & have that love overflow to others. I wish I knew more of what I am supposed to do, but that's all I got for now.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

weekend update :)

God's abundant love is giving me so much joy. I am so thankful, so humbled, at how He is blessing me with His presence & is absolutely taking care of me. I have nothing, I am nothing, apart from Him. Without Him I have no good thing. He makes everything glorious.

And you tell me how can it be any better than this?

He is everything. All I want, all I need, He's everything.


Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you're all I want, You're all I need
You're everything,everything
You're all I want your all I need
You're everything, everything.
You're all I want you're all I need.
You're everything, everything
You're all I want you're all I need, you're everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
(Lifehouse, Everything)

I listened to this song on repeat yesterday and rested in the comfort & in the shelter of His love. The Bible says He longs to be gracious to us, and He does. He allures us, calls us to Himself because He wants to love us.

The sermon was RIGHT ON today. Quotes I wrote down:

We really only come to know ourselves as we come to know Jesus.

There was more that has to happen in (Peter's heart) to put the denials behind him.

Peter had protested his love would never diminish.

Jesus said to Peter, in essence, "the only thing that's going to restore you is my love." And its a wounding love, that penetrates so deeply into our motives, hearts, dark places, to reach us. The Lord's love breaks him then restores him.

Jesus message to Peter (and us) is know you are loved, then love me, then love & care for others.

Peter's denials have their roots in his need to be control and show his fear of the future. We fear if we are not in control of our lives our future will be uncertain.

*All of our addictions come from our fear of the future* But Heaven rules. And we do not.

When we grasp Jesus' love for us, despite our controlling nature, our pasts, we become soft like clay again, mold able. Jesus praised little children not because they were innocent but because they were humble, and still shape able.

God whispers in our successes & shouts to us in our needs. Adversity introduces me to myself.

You'll never know Jesus is all you need until Jesus is all you've got - Mother Teresa

It is only when everything is stripped away do we really become aware & have a new openness for His love.


Our usefulness to God doesn't always come in the way we'd think.

Jesus asks, do you love me more than the control of your life? He says, I want your love for me which only comes from my love for you (We love because He loved us first). He says, I don't want your strengths, I want your love.

Mother Teresa paraphrased: "Your calling is to let Jesus love you & let that love overflow to others."

God uses what was broken to offer up Jesus, the bread of life, & wants to use us, the broken vessels we are, to bring His love to the world.

God is AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)

He gave me an amazing weekend.

Starting on Thursday, because Thursday is the new Friday, I watched the Titans game with Robin and a law school friend in my apartment then went to bar review at Silky's and mingled with my classmates and older students. I was sure to drink orange juice so to not get sick (one student has the swine flu!). We were out super late, but I desire getting to know people more than I desire sleep, so it was ok.

Friday my family came in town! Yay! Natey had a game and he did very well kicking and even caught a 15 yard pass. It was very nice to see my family. They tried to go to Beale Street but Natey couldn't get in, so they went to Hooters and I joined some law school friends at Bar Dogs. Then, I went to Republic for my classmate Lizzie's bday, then, to Silky's. Another great late night out on the town.

Saturday I watched the UT game with Robin. We watched the first half with a dental student I met Friday night & the second half with law school friends. Then I watched the LSU-Vandy game with a law school friend who is from Louisiana and we made chili for dinner (added a can of tomatoes and peppers that's used in rotel dips, think it added to the spiciness). Very yummy dinner but we were craving sweets so we went to Sonic and got M&M blasts & then watched Arthur, a very funny movie about a silly rich man. Then I went to bed before 2 for the first time all weekend.

Woke up this morning, ran at least 4 miles, and went to church with Maggie, and we are going back tonight because they are talking more about Peter, relinquishing control, and addressing addictions. I thank you God for putting Maggie in my life. You really blessed me through my time with her and our conversation over lunch (Panera, bbq chicken salad = delish!). Thank you thank you thank you God!

I am going to do some homework before and after church.

I am blown away at the extravagant love of God.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

hakuna matata

"Patience was willing to wait."

Quote from Pilgrims' Progress, a classic Christian book. It was in my devotional Streams in the Desert a few days ago. My cousin borrowed Pilgrims' Progress from my grandmother the summer before she died. The book was lost when Katrina leveled my cousin's home on the Mississippi coast. Friday will mark the 5 year anniversary of her death. I want to make my facebook status in honor of her, but whenever I think of a tribute, what comes to my mind seems a bit too morose, dramatic, emotional for facebook:

Five years in Heaven...what's it like seeing Jesus face to face? Give Madison and Alan a hug for me...Can't wait to see you again...How's eternal life? What's it like to see Jesus every day? Your life encourages & inspires me, & your memory warms my heart. You live on, you're living eternally in the hearts of your loved ones, and in your eternal home. We miss you. We love you. I think about how I wish you could be here, how I would like to know your reaction to things, how I'd like to see where you'd be today, who you'd be today. We could really use you here. The world needs people like you - loving, warm, shameless Christians who are a blast to be around and are real - real struggles, real joys, real love, really alive. Lindsay Carole. How I admire you!

I took the link to my blog off my facebook wall. Only a select few will be able to read it now. A wise woman said I don't need to be tooting my horn where I am right now in life. I've done a good deal of that, gone shoutin' off the mountain tops, then had to humbly climb down, say, I was wrong, say, things changed. I considered stopping blogging all together. If no one can read it, what's the point? There is a a point. It is an outlet.

And I am happy. Uncertain, yes; happy, absolutely! I still want to reflect on my joys, therefore, I will still blog.

A wise roommate of mine once said that joys, as well as sorrows, are burdens we're entrusted with to help us grow. God's given me both, in abundance, the past few weeks. It's a challenge to see how I'll handle them. The famous "Everybody's Free to wear sunscreen" song says don't congratulate yourself or berate yourself too much, which is where I'm getting at with this I think. Usually, I want to blab on and on about the joys and for once in my life, I'm keeping the talk about certain things at a minimum, which is totally unlike me - me, the one who wants to hang my heart out on a clothesline and analyze and gush over every wrinkle on it while it dries.

Doesn't mean recent events aren't significant or enjoyable, but I feel as though I have found a balance. I don't think about them or invest in them too much or too little but just the right amount, kind of like Goldilocks's porridge. It's healthier this way, puttin' the reigns on this ol' heart of mine. Not to say I'm using it less, but maybe I'm using my head/logic/reason more?

I am still a romantic, but I am not hopeless.

I think it's ok to be a romantic.

The other day Streams in the Desert also hit a home run in the resonating-with-where-I'm-at-these-days department:

Recognize the trial as a challenge from God to claim a larger blessing than we have ever before experienced, & to accept it w/delight as an opportunity of receiving a greater measure of God's divine grace.

Word.

These burdens we're entrusted with, these challenges God gives us, enlarge our hearts and increase our strength and make us open to receiving new blessings.

Patience was willing to wait, & so should I. Hard not to let my heart run ahead of me, or, hard to prevent it from geting lost in dizzying daydreams of the past. I do like where I am now. I like living in the present. I don't know what tomorrow holds. I like trusting that God will provide me with what I need for today. I like being in the today. I feel calmer this way.

Never thought Memphis would have a calming effect on me but it has. Maybe it's living near water. Maybe it's taking time to do a devotional each morning. Maybe it's my fabulous roommate, the good friends I've met, the new faces, the new sites, the conversation, the cooking, the jokes, the shared meals, or the intellectually stimulating and incredibly enjoyable classes. Ah, Memphis.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

labor day weekend

*If you have paid this ol' blog a visit but do not want/have time to read, at least scroll to the end of this post to see the pictures = latest editions to the good ol' apartment! I like them very much!* :)


Back to Memphis, back to work!

After church today I came back to Memphis and shall be devoting the next two days to my studies.

Time at home was short & sweet but there were a lot of pleasant distractions and it was difficult to get work done, though I did slip away to the library for over four hours.

In law school you just can't quite afford to take a day off.

Friday night I watched my baby brother's football game at Brentwood Academy! Natey did SO well & I am SO proud of him! He kicked a 48 & a 51 yard field goal! What a stud! SO fun to cheer and scream whenever "Renfro" was announced over the intercom, because you betcha it was announced - he is quite the play maker. I watched the game with my family & spent time with one of my best friends.

Saturday morning I ran/walked the 6-mile loop in Brentwood. I bet I ran about 4.5 miles of it, but I do NOT want to get injured, so I alternated between walking and running the rest of the route. Better safe than sorry, right? It was a glorious morning! The weather is getting cooler - hopefully it won't be cold soon - where it's at right now is quite refreshing! Post run was library time, then I took my same friend I saw Friday night to get our nails done. I love those massage chairs. My toes are now... drumroll please... bright pink! Big surprise, I know.

Saturday night our house was inundated with high school boys so I joined some friends at the Franklin jazz festival. And the band played songs that we had never heard but I sure enjoyed them.

Today's sermon was absolutely wonderful. So so wonderful. Preacher talked about the verse in Romans 8 that spells out how nothing can separate us from the love of God. He pointed out that because we are loved by God we are not worthless - unworthy of the love, yes, but not worthless. Instead, we are incredibly loved, incredibly valued, and if we were the only people in the world, Jesus still would have died for us, He loves us that much.

Preacher talked about a contest where each year the "best sentence ever written" is judged and awarded. One year, the winning entry was a postcard to a little girl from her step-dad while on his honeymoon with the girl's mom. He wrote, simply, "I love you." The little girl said she knew in that moment how her new dad felt about her, and to her, it was the best sentence ever written.

But is that not God's message to us? Is that not the best sentence ever? God loves us and there is nothing we can do, nothing that can happen, that can separate us from this love?

The preacher asked, though, how much does this really matter to us (that we can never be separated from God's love)? It meant the world to Paul(author of Romans). Billy Graham is known for saying "just give them Jesus" - because that is all we need. Jesus is all we need.

Preacher pointed out how there are some things that we fear being separated from - like approval we receive from others, or our talents or stuff, but what really matters is we will never be separated from God's love.

During communion a great guitarist was playing a medley of hymns. While kneeling I recognized "A Mighty Fortress is Our God" followed by "He Will Raise You Up on Eagle's Wings" and was overcome by how much love and hope God gives us. I prayed that He would give me only what would serve Him best, only what would please Him. Laying down my will & my desires is difficult, but when the familiar notes brought to mind the lines "and he will raise you up on eagles' wings" I was SO comforted that though I may feel so weak, God will carry me, and accomplish his purposes for me and through me. He knows what is best & I can trust him. He's a mighty fortress of refuge when I don't have answers or am just plain overwhelmed.

All this weekend I've been thinking about how when our hearts are broken God makes them stronger by weaving his strength in between the broken places to bind them back together again. And only he can do this. Only he can bring this healing, and eventual wholeness. When our little worlds feel like they are crumbling around us, and nothing seems certain anymore he is - He is safe, He is constant, we can cling to Him.

In fact, that is one of the reasons Jesus proclaims he came - to bind up the brokenhearted, the hearts & lives that have been shattered. Breaks my heart to see how badly divorce shatters hearts & breaks up families. Family is one of the greatest gifts God gives us, and when it is split up, when a marriage is ended... I can wait years & years for God to prepare my heart & that of my future spouse if by doing so he would prepare us to be the best partners we can be so we'd never meet divorce. Marriage is so sacred which makes divorce so so sad. One of my friends who is divorced told me she would have liked a lawyer with my compassionate qualities, and as odd as it may sound that I would be interested in being a family lawyer, I can see how it would be a way I could minister to people in a time of their deepest need. My great-grandmother asked me once what kind of lawyer I wanted to be and I jokingly replied "a good one" but I really do want to be a competent, compassionate lawyer first and foremost.

Heavy stuff this weekend but my heart feels lighter after a wonderful church service & a beautiful drive back to my peaceful, quiet apartment in the city where I feel like I'm thriving.

Oh, and this is exciting... my family friend made me a little blanket for the foot of my bed! It is SO precious & SO me (pink, green, w/adorable little pom poms)!!!!

And do you spy what is peeking out of the pillow cases?? My wonderful mother got these adorable ruffly pillow cases we found at TJ Maxx monogrammed with a BIG PINK A. Matches the other pink A I have displayed. :)

That's the latest! Civil Procedure is calling to me!



Sunday, August 30, 2009

soothed by the river on a sunday night

"...when, under the starlight, he ventured into the open air. The sky soothed him then, he knew not how. For the face of nature is the face of God, and must bear expressions that can influence, though unconsciously to them...His children." -George MacDonald

Perfect quote for tonight.

Sunset and moonlight by the Mississippi River soothed me, for the face of nature is the face of God. Give me the Mississippi & soothe my soul, I wanna get lost in its steady roll and drift away. Mmm mmm mmm. A sweet night indeed.

Whirlwind of a weekend. Is the dust settling? Necessary to take each day at a time. Each day has enough troubles of its own, so the scriptures urge us not to worry about tomorrow.

Streams in the Desert passage of the day:

"Our faith is at its greatest point when we are in the middle of the trial. Confidence in the flesh will never endure testing."

Notes from the sermon today:

Deuteronomy 4:7 says "what great nation is there that has a god near to it as the Lord our God is (to us)whenever we call to him?" which reminded me of the nearness of God & the intimacy we can experience with him.

Taking the Lord's name in vain is more about not giving him credit or giving him credit for something he didn't endorse

Thoughts on Romans 8:28: all things can and do work for the good; God is in the midst of pain and despair; how every opportunity can bring healing, wholeness, and hope which is not saying God put us in the pit to begin with, but emphasizes God's ability to redeem us & bring us out of the pit.

And finally, thoughts from a wise friend:

Believe you deserve what you want.

You make what at first seem like mistakes and you later realize they weren't mistakes after all.

rescue

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus, I need You Jesus

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

chorus
I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other Name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

chorus

bridge
This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)
(Newsong, Rescue)

not heart or head or dreams but my Father

Do I turn to the left?
Do I turn to the right?
When I turn to the world they gave me this advice

They said boy you just follow your heart
But my heart just led me into my chest
They said follow your nose
But the direction changed every time I went and turned my head
And they said boy you just follow your dreams
But my dreams were only misty notions
But the Father of hearts and the Maker of noses
And the Giver of dreams He's the one I have chosen
And I will follow Him

I believe there'll come a time
Lord, I pray it's not too far off
There'll be no poverty or crime
There'll be no greed and we will learn how to love
And children will be safe in their homes
And there'll be no violence out on the streets
The old will not be left alone
And the strong will learn how to care for the weak

And everyone I know hopes it comes real soon
But when I ask 'em where I'd find it they seem so confused
Do I find it in the day?
Do I find it in the night?
When I finally ask the world they give me this advice

Well they said boy you just follow your heart
But my heart just led me into my chest
They said follow your nose
But the direction changed every time I went and turned my head
And they said boy you just follow your dreams
(Part of "Maker of Noses" by Rich Mullins)

Do I turn to the left, do I turn to the right...praying God will direct my steps and will be a light to my path. He will provide a way. And his way and his will for me will be glorious because he loves me.

Monday, August 24, 2009

your love is extravagant

The first half of my walk I spent wishing I had someone to share the sunset with.

The second half I realized God wanted to share it with me and spent that time worshiping him & watched as he painted the sky golden, and watched as the golden sky sparkled across the river and thought perhaps this is what it will look like when the streets are paved with gold.

God's love is extravagant. Like a big blanket I felt his love wrap around me, and I opted to wrap it nice & close.

My ipod, on shuffle, then played a series of love songs from God to me:

~Paint it Golden
~Your Love is Extravagant (Casting Crowns)
~If I had words
~Our Prayer (Josh Grobin!)
~Jesus Paid it All
~Somewhere in between (Lighthouse)

I was reminded of C.S. Lewis' words:

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Though we were made for another world, God lets us experience his extravagant love in this world.


Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Chorus:
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate

Sunday, August 23, 2009

"Allison's in Memphis"

"Allison's in Memphis."

My mom called yesterday and told me my great-grandmother has taken a turn for the worse.

Mom said her memory is worse and she doesn't have much energy or much of a desire to do much of anything. She has dementia and she IS 96. Mom said she'll be sitting there in a daze, and will snap out of it on occasion, and what she says and remembers touches my heart. She'll say, "Allison's in Memphis."

My grandfather, her son, will say, "Yes, and Jay's in Philadelphia" and will tell her other news of our family to try and jog her memory, but what she seems to know for sure is that I am in Memphis.

She came over to our house before I left and was so encouraging about my move to Memphis. She'd say, "so you're going to be a lawyer! So you're going to Memphis! Well land sakes!" Sweet Nanny believes in me.

My mom said the lesson from this is YOU NEVER KNOW how your actions touch someone and what little things you do stick with them.

I will miss sweet Nanny if it pleases God to take her soon. Most people Nanny has known in her life except for her family are long gone. She had a hard life - her mother died when she was young, and she spent some time in an orphanage and her first marriage ended quickly - but embodying the Charles Dickens' motto "I am resolved to be happy" she embraced life with positivity with enthusiasm. I don't know if I have EVER heard her complain.

I pray she will be comfortable though her body is failing her and that God would grant us tender love, patience, and comfort while we prepare for this. I am glad mom called and prepared me so it would not come as a shock.

I did receive the shocking news that one of Cory's best friends was found dead a few days ago. He was just in his 20s (25?) and it was very unexpected. It is hard to find peace in a situation like this, but it compels us to celebrate life for sure, and learn from his sweet, simple life. Bridgette blogged that he never knew a stranger, and once he met you, you were in - you were a part of his life - and isn't that a wonderful way to be! I aspire to have that kind of warmth, that ability to put people at ease and make them feel instantly 'you have a friend in me' as he did. Mark Winburn has found perfect peace from his pain and perfect rest in Jesus' presence. He was hurting greatly and is now healed and can see Love Himself face to face.

Yesterday I needed to process these things and was able to spend the morning resting and talking with Bridgette and my mom. I did learn some good things: I will be home Labor Day weekend and will get to see my brother's football game & will get to spend time with my dear friend Megan; Bridgette's wedding planning is going well and they will be serving drinks in mason jars (SO them) and the rehearsal dinner will be on a boat!

Megan was having a party tonight and it was the first time I had pangs of aw, I wish I could be there not here for the first time since I've been here, partly because I wish I could spend time with her and partly because I did not have plans. I have some friends but don't have a "gang" yet like in college. New friends, new memories will come in time.

Friday night I DID go out to Beale Street with Robin and we met up with Courtney, who used to date one of Clint's friends. We ran into a 2L friend Kevin we had met last weekend, and decided to find him after we got our drinks. We got some slushies at Wet Willys (the very same place we went in Charleston for CB's bachelorette & Hannah's 21st!!). And what would you know, but they were playing David Allan Coe - "and I'll hang around as long as you will let me (let me, let me, let me!)." Warmed my heart IMMENSELY to hear the final song played at Pi Kapp functions that we also danced to in a circle at Tyner & Zeke's wedding!

Out on the street we heard "Hey Ba Ba" and saw people breaking out in dance moves that put our own white girl moves to shame. Kevin was at Silkys which has a great big patio so we sat with him & met some 2Ls and had a "cold beer on a Friday night" like the Chicken Fried song says. :)

Saturday night I made dinner (veggie burger & corn on spinach with salsa & honey dijon dressing on top) and watched the sun set over the Mississippi River & soaked up the Tennessee serenity.

And DOCUMENTED it. :)

Below are my 10 favorite pictures. If you look closely you can see a sliver of the moon in a few of them. :)

Then, I finished typing up my notes and watched Henry the Eighth on youtube. Though similar to The Other Boleyn Girl, I preferred Boleyn Girl much more - better portrayals of Ann, Henry, & Katherine for sure. Then I watched some documentaries on Katherine and discovered there is a movie called "Juana La Loca" but I could not find it on youtube but hope to see it soon. Very, very relaxing night.