channeling jessie lee

God blessed me with three incredible women for roommates my senior & junior year at Furman.

One of them, a Miss Jessie Lee, wrote a blog post that I remembered because similar things she thought about months ago I'm thinking about today, and she can say it better than I ever could.

Once upon a time Jessie mused....

i think selflessness is a sacrifice of self. i think that means putting others' needs above your own. i think that means being willing to get hurt if it will help someone else, if it will encourage their heart, if it will help them recover from something they've lost.

masochism, right?

see, not necessarily.

the kicker is that all the while, your self has to be wrapped up in the only one who can hold it together through all of those things. this does not mean a reckless chucking of the heart to anywhere but here and calling it faith. the real meaning of selflessness is not an avoidance of self's existence, it is a conscientious placement of the self, my self, in God's hands, so that he may put it wherever it is needed. and more often than not, my friends, my heart is needed elsewhere. did you notice the subconscious interchanging of the words "self" and "heart?" that was not intentional, but it is the most accurate description of how i view both of those things.

the desperation in selflessness comes from a lack of trust in the one who has your heart. or it may be that you've misplaced your heart thinking you've put it in his hands.

i cannot escape the charge i feel to give. i think it is true and right and i think that giving of my heart is something that i couldn't avoid if i tried. in fact, i think most of my intense struggles have come from a mis-allocation of the resources i've been given. meaning, i don't ever stop or shift from that mindset, i just put it toward inappropriate things.

and, you know, none of this is to say that i've learned nothing, or that my mistakes were only that. they've all been really great growth processes and i wouldn't erase them if i could.

i think, right now, all i can do is continue using my heart for what it's been made. giving. i think i need to stop asking why questions and start asking how and what questions. how best can i love people? what do they really need from me? i think if i do that faithfully and with my full heart i will have a wonderful, rewarding life.

when all is said and done
i'd never count the cost
it's worth all that's lost
just to see you smile

[tim mcgraw]