your love will never change

They tell me there’s songs reserved for angels
Would you sing me one, a stranger
Just to prove your love?

They tell me you’ve given poor men kingdoms
And handed guilty freedom
And taken on their stains
And your love will never change
Your love will never change

They tell me that you dwell with good and evil
In alleys and cathedrals
Shadows and the light

They tell me that you hold the world together
Not from guilt, but pleasure
And you somehow know my name
And your love will never change
Your love will never change

So tell me there’s nothing that you can’t do
And you’ll love me though I’ve hurt you
And that you’ll take my blame
And your love will never change
Your love will never change
(Dave Barnes, Your Love Will Never Change)

My discussion over dinner reminded me of this song. My dear friend Sarah shared with me how she was thinking about all that was changing in her life, and I could definitely relate. My life is about to change in big ways, there are so many answered questions, I don't know where I'll be next year, what I'll be doing, etc, leaving the security of friends and roommates and such. She shared with me that when she was verbally expressing similar thoughts, anxieties, to a friend, her friend said, "God doesn't change."

God's love will never change.

Sarah shared many wonderful "reminders" (she said some quote about how so often what we need are reminders, not instruction) of God's love for me, reminders my heart was very thirsty for, panting for, hurting for. Oh, and the picture? Flowers Sarah gave me last spring; it's now my computer backdrop.

She shared with me a blog post (yay, blogging, 'tis so wonderful) by Amy Rachel Peterson that I want to type out just so I can go over ever word, every morsel, again. Her words were just what I needed to hear, just what I needed to pray about, so they can express better than I have been able to for weeks the desire and condition of my heart. Thank you for this Sarah. Thank you for helping me recognize it so I can go to God with it to address it.

* * *


Satan is always warring against love. He is always warring against relationships.

It's so true, and so infrequently considered seriously. Oh, we're aware of the enemy's involvement in major things like divorce and bitterness and adultery. But the little things escape out notice: irritation, annoyance, self-preservation, fear, accusations. The list is extensive, so I won't even attempt to complete it. The point is, we are actually in a war. If we never recognize the fact, we will never violently and vigilantly act to preserve the way of love.

God IS love, and we were made in His image. This means what Satan hates in God, he hates in us also. The enemy hates love.

Can you imagine this? Really? A personality that hates love? I find it horrific.

We can already see how effective the enemy is in this. Our culture guzzles divorce like beer. What are our defenses against such an all-out attack? What are our counter-weapons? What tools and strategies has the Lord given us to counter this onslaught of powerful hate?

Prayer is the first. Love is the second.

There are two aspects of this love. The first is following the law of love toward one another. That law says we are to love others as we love ourselves, that we are to prefer others above ourselves, that we are to lay down our life for the sake of another (ever notice how much easier it is to follow this law of sacrificial love towards our friends and our neighbors than toward our family and spouses?)

The second aspect is this: we are married to two men at once. One marriage will last about 50 years. The other will last over 50 million years (to name a smallish sort of number). Our marriage to Jesus is our first, and our longest. It is the real thing, of which our physical marriage is a picture and a shadow and a reflection. It is the blueprint. It is the guide.

What does this mean practically? Our capacity for love is greater than a human being will ever be able to fill. We are deeper people than our spouses will ever be able to plumb. Women (and men, I assume) habitually look to their spouses to fill the needs God created so extensive that only He could fill them. He left room in us for Himself!

He took me once through the 23rd Psalm, having me declare back to Him that He was my shepherd, my husband wasn't. He was my provider, my husband wasn't. He would give my soul rest and peace, my husband wouldn't. And so on...it was a wonderful exercise. At each verse I acknowledged that God might use my husband as a tool and an avenue, such as providing for me financially and physically. But in the ultimate sense, at the end of the story, a spouse is not going to ever complete what only God can...no husband will supply what God designed to be satisfied by Himself. Until the marriage of the Lamb and the bride, we will always be waiting. The only way for a physical marriage to be all it was designed to be, is for it to be a second marriage to God. The only way to really love your spouse, is to love God more than your spouse.

* * *

Amazing.

I can serve my future husband now by praying for him and by loving God, loving God as my husband on a deeper level. Jesus, lover of my soul, o Love that will not let me go.

Tomorrow I am going to get some new worship music from Sarah and will borrow Sex God from her, by Rob Bell. I've been wanting to read it:

"Is sex a picture of heaven?" he wonders. It's all about God and sex and heaven, he says: "...they're connected. And they can't be separated. Where the one is you will always find the other." Bell's book isn't a sex manual, an exploration of the differences between men and women or a marriage how-to, though all of that is here. Instead, it's the story of God becoming human, of humans mirroring God and love made manifest in the chaos of our humanity. Sex God is about relationships revealed in a way that elevates the human condition and offers hope to those whose relationships are wounded. In Bell's spare, somewhat oblique style, he addresses lust, respect, denial, risk, acceptance and more. His love for God and the Bible is clear, as is his ability to ask probing questions and offer answers that make readers think deeply about their own lives. He does a fine job using the Bible and real life to show that our physical relationships are really about spiritual relationships. This book joyfully ties, and then tightens, the knot between God and humankind.

Sounds wonderful! Sex was one of the greatest gifts God created so it is one of the greatest things Satan can use against us. As is intimacy.

God can meet our desire for intimacy - to be known & loved deeply through & through & deeper still - our desire for closeness, for love that will never change & will never leave, a love to which we can always go. He is my shepherd, He will give my soul rest & peace, O Love.

Maybe it's just me but I need that kind of love. Something tells me...it's not just me.

lessons on 'appropriate'

What did you learn at school today?

The question parents would ask & kids would respond uuhhhhhhh....

Well, I learned a lot at school today. After class.

It had been a tough weekend. I had been upset, but I had also taken some things personally and jumped to conclusions. So we began by talking about feeling types (Fs), as compared to the thinking types, on the Myers-Briggs test. 2/3 of women are Fs; it's the only personality type letter with a gender bias. Fs strive for harmony, don't like there to be conflict, want people to be happy. Because I take things personally, and she said that's common for F's to do, when a conflict comes up they want to fix it right away and make it go away and when they can't, it's hard on the Fs. In addition to taking the blame for negative actions, according to this survey of my roommates, I also do not take credit for positive things that happen.

When situations arise,when I am inclined to take things really personally, what she advised me to ask myself is this:

"Is this the only option, the only explanation? Is this even true?"

Is the only option for why X happened? Is this the only explanation for why X happened?

My big "ah, ha" light bulb moment of the session. Questions that will now really help me in my approach towards life.

She advised me towards self-monitoring, seeing when I get upset, to notice it earlier in the process before I'm off the deep end and get to the point where I am no longer responding appropriately. Because I did not respond appropriately and I am sorry for that. I do think that should be the goal - not resolving things instantly, or throwing my feelings to the side, or making it all about me, but an appropriate balanced response.

She advised me to ask myself, a spin-off of Dr. Phil's "well, how's that working out for you?", "Is this behavior effective/giving me the outcome I want, OR making things worse/more difficult?"

She pointed out how planning for lots of scenarios could be a good thing (sometimes I plan for the worst, assume the worst, so I have a plan in case the worst happens, but that involves so much unnecessary worry & effort & negative thinking), but to consider what is the likeliness of X occurring, and to consider if it is a possibility or more of a probability because they aren't the same. To ask, how probable is this to be true, because, just because it's possible doesn't mean it is true. Because anything really can be possible, but is it probable...

Most my freak-out was caused by assumptions, thoughts, of things that weren't probable, weren't grounded in evidence. When has he ever shown a tendency not to value my thoughts? Is there evidence this is likely? The answer to this is a big fat NO! I'm very sorry for responding that way. Now I am more aware of this tendency and can use this information to respond better & appropriately in the future.

Ah, the issue of 'appropriate,' one of the reasons why I was upset during the weekend. She made me feel like I did have good reason to be upset, that a particular interaction between my boyfriend and his friend was not appropriate. If chicky really needed someone to talk to, she could talk to one of her friends, her own boyfriend, or even a counselor like I was doing, but was crossing the line of what was appropriate, just like one of my friends did back in the fall, since she was going to one of her boyfriend's best friends for advice about their problems. Though I had been good friends with a certain guy for many years, he started making disparaging comments about my boyfriend which were not appropriate, so I have not talked to him since. I'm not saying don't talk to her, but since I wasn't comfortable with how they were talking and what they were talking about and didn't deem it appropriate, he agreed to limit talking to her in that way.

We talked about how "God feeds the birds, but he doesn't put it in their nests - they have to go out and get it." How, sometimes our tendency is to try to keep the nest filled and store up extra food and put up extra support for the nest and extra shelter, to do way more than necessary because we think its necessary and maybe the more we do the better we are, the more of a chance we have of getting things right, getting things perfect, and if we just try harder we can be perfect.

She said perfectionism gets rewarded in our culture, but you don't have to be perfect. I asked if she hears about this issue much on this campus and she said oh, only about every ten minutes. I'm not alone in this environment of high achievers, high accomplishers, creme de la creme competing and comparing themselves with other creme de la creme.

So, she advised towards finding the difference between when we need to do something to the best of our ability and when you just need to do it, to notice the demands of the circumstance and adjust your expectations accordingly. In any given circumstance, does it require the very best you're capable of, or doing the best for that circumstance. Revise expectations of yourself in order to try not to be so hard on yourself. If you can't make everyone happy, that's FINE, and that's often an unrealistic expectation, any way. If you can't resolve something at a given moment, that's FINE, you haven't failed at life, just consider what the moment is calling for you to do and be...to give what's needed for the circumstance, not too much or too little, but what's just right. Like the porridge in Goldilocks. Or like God giving manna.

We talked about manna, how God instructs us to gather only what we need for the day. If you gather too much, it becomes unpleasant (in the case of the Israelites, the excess manna became moldy) and unnecessary (because it's not using our time and talents wisely because it's requiring unnecessary energy & too much of us to gather manna we don't even need, can't even use). God will provide your needs for that day. The big question is can we trust God to take care of our needs in the present moment?

Our culture emphasizes (believes the lie?) that more is better, that we can always work harder and do more.
Our culture emphasizes personal gain/achievement over living a balanced life.

We talked about the importance of praising people, not actions - my desire to be loved for me, not what I do. The importance of celebrating peoples' being, not just doing. Praising personal qualities and effort, not just achievements/outcomes/rewards.

She told me about the books The Not So Big House and The Not So Big Life, which I now want to read. Books about how most of us have too much in our lives; our lives are full, but not in a good way, because they are too full. What we need to learn to recognize is what is enough. How much is enough? It takes effort and time to discern this.

She reminded me that ya live and ya learn and not to beat myself up if I make the wrong choice. For instance, Friday night, I did not want to go bowling. I could see Clint was having a good time with his friends, and even though he said it would be ok to come back to his house, I agreed to go bowling, thinking it could be a nice distraction, that it could be a fun activity, but I was wrong. She compared this to an old camera lens; sometimes you have to turn the lens to get the camera in focus. You turn it, turn it, turn it, then ooopps you've gone too far so you have to go back. She told me not to be so hard on myself for over-calculating. I tried something, it didn't work, my life is not a catastrophe because I called the wrong shot. Which relates to the joke she has with her husband; whenever one of them messes up the other one jokes, "What, you're not perfect yet?" She told me, it's a process, and it's really ok not to be perfect.

Living and learning.

The best approach

I’m thinking the best approach for now is to live at home and find a job for next year.

I’d been really overwhelmed by the prospects of taking on a lot of debt to pay for law school. For now, I just want to get and save some money.

And I do think I’m getting burned out school-wise. Maybe it’s just senioritis, but I think a break would do me good.

I did get the summer internship I went home to interview for – it’s with Governor Bredesen’s Books from Birth foundation. It’s paid, three months, 40+ hour weeks, should gain good experience writing, in a non-profit setting, even seem event planning and constituent relation work. I can always decline if I find a job. Maybe I can write for the publisher I know this summer – or permanently – as well.
I’m going to Furman’s career fair tomorrow. There are some companies that are only offering internships but maybe that’s what I need, something for a few years while I’m at home, saving up some cash money. We’ll see. Going to research the companies shortly.

I do still want to go to law school. But I do not want to be in big debt. Solution? Wait. Oh, you just have to wait Phil Collins sings.

But maybe there’s something else better suited for me. I am a smart cookie, an educated woman, and almost a college graduate. Surely, there’s something out there I could do. I’d like to find that sooner rather than later of course.
My grandmother told me yesterday that the path may already be there, it’s just a matter of praying, finding it; maybe she meant there’s not just one path I need to take. That a handful of options would be good. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not completely sure what my grandmother meant, but it was really comforting to talk to her. At least three people have told me in the past two days that they aren’t worried about me as a person, that I’ll be fine. I feel that off and on but am trying to trust that.

God DOES say, “I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Plans, plans, plans.
I have plans to meet with my old counselor tomorrow and I already feel very relieved. It was so nice having her as an objective third party perspective when I was going through my break up last spring & such. For now, I need a new approach on handling some things…and perhaps advice on how to find balance & not take things so personally. It’s nice to remember, be reminded, that one thing or person (apart from God) won’t make me feel better, less stressed, but she has a great way of advising me how to mend what I’ve messed up.

War is not the answer, the answer is within you.
War is not the answer, the answer is within you.
Love, Love
Love, Love
Love, Love
Love, Love
(Ray Lamontagne, Within You)

if

Disclaimer: I just like this song! It is not directed at anyone, just how I felt this weekend.

And I just bought it today on itunes. It's fun to sing. And she does bring up some good points. Way to be deep, Beyonce.


If I Were A Boy lyrics

If I were a boy even just for a day
I'd roll out of bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted
And go drink beer with the guys

And chase after girls
I'd kick it with who I wanted
And I'd never get confronted for it
'Cause they stick up for me

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I would turn off my phone
Tell everyone it's broken
So they'd think that I was sleeping alone

I'd put myself first
And make the rules as I go
'Cause I know that she'd be faithful
Waiting for me to come home, to come home

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I'd be a better man

I'd listen to her
'Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
'Cause he's taking you for granted
And everything you had got destroyed

It's a little too late for you to come back
Say it's just a mistake
Think I'd forgive you like that
If you thought I would wait for you
You thought wrong

But you're just a boy
You don't understand
And you don't understand, oh
How it feels to love a girl
Someday you wish you were a better man

You don't listen to her
You don't care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
'Cause you're taking her for granted
And everything you had got destroyed
But you're just a boy

resting secure

My favorite hymn came on my ipod shuffle yesterday. I listened to it while walking in the light rain after a heavy morning shower. It says 'let me to Thy bosom fly' which I think this picture shows very well. It also says 'hide me, o my Savior, hide, till the storm of life is past' which made me think of the rainstorm overhead and other 'storms' of life that I needed Jesus to be my refuge from in a big way. I imagined Him taking me in his arms, guiding me by the hand into a safe haven, and being with me, being ever present with me, covering 'my defenseless head in the shadow of his wings.'

A new quote of mine on facebook is "God cannot give us a happiness and peace apart from Himself, because it is not there. There is no such thing" by C. S. Lewis, which compels me to seek peace in him because he, and he alone, is the true source, he is where it can be found in really big ways.

Because what I need Jesus to be for me lately is a refuge. The stress is high and until it passes, I just need to be held.

This favorite hymn of mine was the last thing I thought of before going to sleep last night. I could sleep secure in the comfort of my Savior's arms, knowing he would hold me, love me, keep me safe, and protect me.

Jesus, lover of my soul,
Let me to Thy bosom fly,
While the nearer waters roll,
While the tempest still is high.
Hide me, O my Savior, hide,
Till the storm of life is past;
Safe into the haven guide;
Oh, receive my soul at last.

Other refuge have I none,
Hangs my helpless soul on Thee;
Leave, ah! leave me not alone,
Still support and comfort me.
All my trust on Thee is stayed,
All my help from Thee I bring;
Cover my defenseless head
With the shadow of Thy wing.


Wilt Thou not regard my call?
Wilt Thou not accept my prayer?
Lo! I sink, I faint, I fall—
Lo! on Thee I cast my care.
Reach me out Thy gracious hand!
While I of Thy strength receive,
Hoping against hope I stand,
Dying, and behold, I live.

Thou, O Christ, art all I want,
More than all in Thee I find;
Raise the fallen, cheer the faint,
Heal the sick, and lead the blind.
Just and holy is Thy Name,
Source of all true righteousness;
Thou art evermore the same,
Thou art full of truth and grace.

Plenteous grace with Thee is found,
Grace to cover all my sin;
Let the healing streams abound;
Make and keep me pure within.
Thou of life the fountain art,
Freely let me take of Thee;
Spring Thou up within my heart;
Rise to all eternity.



This picture's title is Innocence, and it makes me think of that line 'let the healing streams abound, make and keep me pure within.' It is because of God's grace that those healing streams abound in my life and he imparts his purity in my heart. When he looks at me he sees white. Many forces in this world come to corrupt "steal, kill, and destroy" that innocence, that purity, but Jesus came so that "we may have life and have it to the full" (John 10:10).

Ah, yes, life to the full. He died so that I could live, truly live.

I think I may go home a day early. I was going to have to miss my Friday classes to interview for a summer internship Friday afternoon anyway. I have not missed class yet this term. Why not start the weekend a day early? It's going to be a busy weekend

-interview
-shopping with mom for bridesmaids shoes, wedding errands
-Hollywood glamor party at Sandy's
-Nat's shower on Sunday

why not have Friday during the day to rest, instead of racing back on Friday to make my late afternoon interview? A personal day. A Furman graduate told me to do that every once and a while senior year. As Jenni Asman says, "You gotta enjoy life."

And there's someone I am looking forward to seeing. Someone I can't wait to see, even though it hasn't even been a week. I love him very much. He jokes about me putting incriminating things on my blog and says, 'don't you know I read it'! Yes, I do know you read this, Babe. I love you & am going to see you today.

I have downloaded an audio book 'Lady Killer' about a female attorney who is trying to help an old classmate escape a boyfriend that has ties to the mob - a crime thriller - hmm, we'll see. I don't think I could listen to Frank the whole way home. He sang me to sleep the other night...but it was only like 10 pm so that was a little too early, Frank. Anyways, I got ta go to work(then I am going to pack the car and leave!) so adios for now!

Then I'm homeward bound (haha like the movie...man, I want a dog so bad!)!

so much better :)

It's official -- the tickets are bought for Legally Blonde, The Musical, and I am SO excited about one FABULOUS girls' night out!!!

Here's one of my favorite songs for the show...I'll be buying the soundtrack shortly...

WHOA!

Is that my name up on that list?
Does someone know that I exist?
Is this a mistake?
Am I even awake?
Pinch me now to make sure...

Is my name in black and white?
Maybe I'm doing something right
WOW! I feel so much better than before.

Seeing my name up on that list
That beats the first time that we kissed.
You thought I was dumb, but I think that somebody's judgment was poor.
Seeing my name in black and white
It's like making love with you all night
NO WAIT!
It feels so much better
hello much better
its oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
much better
'cause I am so much better than before

Maybe she's what you prefer
But hey last year I was her
Maybe you will change your mind
But you might look up to find
I've gone on to better things
Better jobs or bigger rings
I don't have the time to cry
I'm too busy loving my name up on that list
kind of a cool ironic twist
who else can I tell?
Oh Wait where's my cell?
Mom will fall on the floor

HEY MOM!

Look at my name in black and white
your daughter's doing something right
I feel so much better

I'll be there on monday nine o'clock
and we will see who walks the walk
NO NO I CAN'T WAIT!
I will be there at eight
When they unlock the door

OH OH
I'll even dress in black and white
See I have not begun to fight
And you'll go OH much better and
OH much better
and soon all y'all know much better

I am so much better
I am so much better
I am so much better than before!

inexcusable

I hadn't been following celebrity news, but when I heard this story it really struck me & got my attention.

The media called it a fairytale gone terribly wrong - pop princess Rihanna and prince Chris Brown in tumultuous waters. Seemed like a case of 'they had it all' - fame, success, money, good looks, and even love of another celebrity, dare say, top of the world? But even celebrities have problems too, real problems. Fame doesn't solve problems.

My heart went out to Rihanna. Of course I don't know her personally or don't know what happened, but that doesn't matter. As Kanye West said, it should never get to the point where a woman is beaten by someone she trusts and loves to the point she has to fear for her life. There is no excuse for that.

Kanye said, "I don't want to speak more into the specifics with that situation, but all I'll say is it's just so devastating. I feel like, just as a person, I don’t care how famous she is or even if she just worked at McDonald's, that should never happen. It should never come to that place."

Chris Brown beat her, bruised her, and because of their fight they both missed their Grammay performances. People have been speculating what happened, what will happen. Chris Brown's endorsements are being suspended, possibly lost, rightfully so.

The first song on my shuffle for my drive back to Furman was Rihanna's "Please Don't Stop the Music." She's so talented, her future's still so promising. Chris? I used to be a fan. It's hard to listen to him without getting a bad taste in my mouth.

People have rallied around Rihanna, though. I think people are hoping she will move on and speak out, champion women's rights against domestic violence. Maybe she'll forgive him, and there could be a strong testimony there, too. But I really hope she'll use this trial to help others.

valentines weekend, young at heart

Mmmm. Just had my second - and probably not the last - bite of Valentine's Day chocolate, a Snickers in the shape of hearts. Now I'm perched on my bed, my bag's still not unpacked and my homework is still not done, but my new Frank Sinatra cd is playing, my roommates are carrying on in the next room, and I am happy and content after a thrilling, relaxing, romantic weekend at home.

Where to begin?

I'll begin on Thursday, post-pedicure. I bought Clint two cds which I have already mentioned, but I did not say which ones. Frank Sinatra, "Seduction: Sinatra Sings of Love," a new compilation just released in 2009 with a lovely red cover and an insert about Frank's art of seduction via his unmatched crooning abilities. The other one was Frank Sinatra at the Movies. I also gave Clint a cd from an Irish band that was playing at a bar in Charleston when the girls and I went a few weekends ago. So, a cd for his heart, hobbies, and heritage. It is worth mentioning that he gave me with a Frank Sinatra cd as a surprise; Classic Sinatra, his great performances 1953-1960. Haha, great minds think alike!

The two Frank Sinatra cds got me all the way to Knoxville during my drive, and the new Fray cd and live John Mayer cd Caroline let me borrow got me the rest of the way to Murfreesboro.

Frank is wonderful; his voice, the lyrics, the accompanying music. Why haven't I discovered him sooner and become familiar with his style & words & ways until now?? I love the lyrics because they are romantic, yes, but they're good, they're quality. Music like this just isn't made anymore. It reminds me of The Beatles, songs like "I want to hold your hand" that are so sweet and innocent but not childish; songs that make you want to dance & twirl & kiss & drink champagne and, at the very least, tap your feet. Frank's songs are gay, before the word became connected with a sexual preference or derogatory comment, and light, yet cut right to the heart - cut right to the heart and melt it. My status? Most definitely melted. It's like he says, "Oh, you're falling in love? Here, let me help. I'll put it into words and sing about it."

The new Fray cd is good; it reminds me a lot of sophomore year of college when I listened to the Fray a lot. And John Mayer has always been a favorite of mine. His version of Tom Petty's "Free Fallin" is incredible. I think it's even better than the original. And that's a big claim coming from me. I'm a big Tom Petty fan. I've seen him live. I've danced and sang to Free Fallin' LIVE. But listening to John Mayer's version is an out of body experience for me - it makes me feel, as described in Perks of Being a Wallflower, infinite. *

*Here's the scene from Perks of Being a Wallflower I'm referring to*
When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes yu wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And In that moment I swear we were infinite. After the song finished I said something. “I feel infinite.” And Sam and Patrick looked at me like I had said the greatest thing they had ever heard. Because the song was that great and because we all really paid attention to it. Five minutes of a lifetime were truly spent, and we felt young in a good way.

Ah yes, that book is one of my all time favorites. It has some of the best quotes ever.

And I'm free. Freeeeeee. Free fallin'.

I like the beginning because I feel he describes me very well - a good girl ('good' is relative, but I'd say I qualify), loves her momma (most definitely), loves Jesus (YES), and America too (here, here!); crazy about Elvis (sure), loves horses (yes, especially when I was a lil girl), and her boyfriend too (yes, I do).

But how fun is it to sing, 'I'm free' and really feel, well, free?

There I was driving, about to get a new change of scenery, new faces, a dose of family time. Free from obligations, work, but bigger than physical things, I felt free from pressures and stress that had been wearing me down. It was a break from all that. I was free from all that, and I could really feel that freedom. I could really feel light from releasing the burdens, from leaving them behind and not taking them with me, not carrying them anymore. One of my favorite verses is "I run in the path of your commands because you have set my heart free." And I'm freeeee.

My friend Carter told me in class before I left for the weekend, "Life's too short to try to please everyone. Do what makes you happy." That really resonated with me. Because he didn't mean do whatever you want, abuse that freedom, but not to let what people think hold me back from, not to give them that power over my happiness, my heart. He asked me if I was in love, and it was nice being able to say that I was; it came out as naturally as breathing. To deny being in love would be to deny my lungs a breath. That's how it felt. That's how I feel.

I arrived earlier than planned. Clint made us dinner - chicken and mushrooms (my favorite!) on pasta which paired nicely with Riesling and Strawberry Andre (I've almost finished the five bottles I bought for Allison's party that we never used, almost!). We then watched Casablanca, and I love it. What a movie! It made me think of my dear friends John and CB who are in Singapore. Their first dance as a married couple was "As Time Goes By" from the movie, and they dressed up as Ilsa and Rick for a Tridelt function. I miss them very much.

Saturday Clint was a dear and humored me while I shopped for party supplies for my sister's bachelorette party. We got some ice cream (I opted for a vanilla milkshake) from Steak N Shake and it made me think of senior year of high school when I went there with friends a lot. I can eat ice cream faster than just about anyone I know.

Then, what a night! We went to a bar the Hugenut(?) Pig in Franklin with Clint's mom, her husband, and her five siblings and their spouses and Clint's grandfather and cousin and his serious girlfriend. Clint's grandfather is a jewel of a man, with a twinkle in his eye and an unmatched kindness and sweetness about him, and he was out there on the dance floor, letting loose with his kids! I can see Clint being like him when he's older which makes me happy. Instead of being a grumpy old man, he'll be like the saying, 'the older the violin, the sweeter the music.' His grandfather is young at heart, that's for sure, just one of his many admirable traits. One of the Frank songs that makes me think of Clint the most is 'You Make Me Feel So Young.' They say, 'youth is often wasted on the young,' but in our case, I would like to argue that just simply isn't so.

Fairy tales can come true
it can happen to you
if you're young at heart
(Frank Sinatra)

Clint's family is warm & loving & definitely have a gift for hospitality. I definitely felt at home & comfortable. I had a ball dancing with them and with Clint! It was so nice to see his cousin Luke and his girlfriend Bonnie as well. Bonnie had on a pink dress and I had on my red dress; I wasn't sure if I would be too dressed up, but I wanted to wear my dress and I'm so glad I did. Great band. Great fun.

Best Valentine's Day ever. Why? The company.

For one, I am so in love. Clint is so good to me. Our relationship grows stronger each day, and it is really humbling to watch that process, to be so close to someone who inspires me to be a better person every single day, someone who helps me be who I want to be and loves me how I need to be loved, who lets me love him, lets me be with him, in my better moments and worse moments. All at once I am tickled and giddy with joy and very very calm and assured and peaceful. And see, I couldn't have it all the way. I need a love that will challenge me & excite me & reassure me & I got it, I have it, an intense love, a passionate love, a tender love.

It had to be you
It had to be you
I wandered around
and finally found
somebody who
made me be true

...For nobody else gave me a thrill
with all your faults I love you still
It had to be you
Wonderful you
It had to be you
(It had to be you, Frank Sinatra, playing on my itunes now, conveniently...)

It was the best Valentine's Day because it was a mix of my favorite things - my favorite person, favorite activity (dancing in a twirly dress), favorite dessert, family, bright sunshine-y day, some shopping, taking it easy, relaxing & resting,
romance & love & an overall peaceful exuberance. I try to make most days like Valentine's Day, and by that I mean I try to add love, pink, and chocolate to every day, as cheesy as that sounds, so the actual Valentine's Day feels like my favorite things magnified.

I got to 'take the whirlwind that life has been and trade it for the freedom of blue skies and amber sunshine as far as I can see' during my drive to and fro. Today's drive was excellent and went by very fast.

Tomorrow I am buying tickets for my friends and I to have the ultimate girls' night out -- to go see Legally Blonde: The Musical. I showed Clint clips of it on youtube and he said he was so glad I have girlfriends to go see it with me. I AM SO EXCITED! I think I may buy the soundtrack once I get the tickets so I can listen to it and get pumped. Coming off a great weekend, I am recharged to greet this new week. And ready to get to bed after the longest blog post ever! Haha!

How little it matters
How little we know
(Frank)

Valentine's Day

THE day of love or single awareness day?

If you could possibly forget that Valentine's Day is approaching, a quick visit to Walmart will QUICKLY remind you. There were balloons, flowers, sweets, boxes of chocolates, cards, stuffed animals, heart decorations, and pink and red eeeeeeveryyywheeereee.

A friend of mine is planning on going out on Valentine's Day with girlfriends to get manicures and pedicures. Whether on not it's Valentine's Day, I do believe this is always a good idea.

I decided to treat myself to a pedicure today. After over a half hour in a massage chair, with rolling and kneading down my back working out all the tension, and warm towels wrapped around my legs, and mint smelling lotion and exfoliation, my toes now don a lovely, happy, hot pink hue!

Before this treat, I got my Valentine a great gift! Was it necessary? No. Does he need it? No. But will it be fun to spoil him and make him feel special? Yes! Maybe that's the point of Valentine's Day. Showing you love someone just because you can, and celebrating those you love - platonic, familial, or romantic - because you can, because you have people in your life to love.

My Valentine's Day weekend will kick off tomorrow as I go visit Mr. Clint! Apparently, he is cooking me dinner. I do not like surprises, but it sounds like there may be flowers? Candlelight dinner? A present exchange? Oh, he can keep the rest a surprise, I'll find out soon enough. And we are going to watch two romantic movies, Casablanca one night, and Braveheart another. I have not seen either movie all the way through so they will be a treat! Saturday night we are going dancing with Clint's family in historic downtown Franklin. He said to wear my red dress, which is very fun to dance and twirl in, so I am very excited about that!

Now, two songs come to mind when thinking about Valentine's Day. "My Valentine" by Martina McBride, which touches on the very passionate, romantic aspect of love that Valentine's Day evokes:

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you

If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

And then, there's Frank Sinatra, "My Funny Valentine." I remember the first time I heard this song I thought his words weren't the most flattering in the world and wondered, should his love take offense? They weren't exactly the words I would want someone to sing to me...at first. But the more I hear it, the more it grows on me, the more it makes me think of love. It may not be as romantic as the first song at first, but it is so sweet in its own way because he is imploring the woman he loves not to change because he loves her just the way she is - now, isn't that what love's all about, that whole 'unconditional' business? But then again, it is Frank, so it is still romantic.

My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Your looks are laughable
Unphotographable
Yet you're my favorite work of art

Is your figure less than Greek
Is your mouth a little weak
When you open it to speak
Are you smart?

But don't change a hair for me
Not if you care for me
Stay little valentine stay
Each day is valentines day

Ah, yes. Well said/sang, Frank.

Now, I think I may go watch the 1968 version of Romeo & Juliet before bed before the Valentine's Day weekend officially begins!
Happy Valentine's Day to all!

Oh, Seaside

When I stepped out of my apartment this morning the feeling in the air made me think of one thing and one thing only - the way the air felt year after year on spring break in Seaside, Fl.

You're at the beach, so it is warm, but there is still a crisp coolness that calls for long sleeves or a light jacket first thing in the morning or when the sun goes down. I love it.

I love everything about Seaside. The cute, unique houses. Riding bikes everywhere. Riding or walking to Modica Market to get your coffee or breakfast. Going on jogs. Going to the beach. Taking a break from the beach to get slushies or sushi or crabcakes. Biking to the Red Bar. Reading on the beach. The music at the Seaside Chapel during Sunday morning worship services.

The last time I went was the summer before my sophomore year with mom, Mike, & Nat. I am so eager to return. I've been thinking about Seaside a lot these past couple days. It sums up everything good in a vacation - it is the epitome of a vacation. It's a whole world that wishes to be peaceful and beautiful. I have so many fond memories there. This has been my year of nostalgia, attempting to remember the warm memories of my past, especially those shared with my family, as I am about to take another big step in my life - graduating college.

Some days, some moments, I am so eager for what lies ahead. And days like today I oscillate back and forth between the excitement and the anxiety. Grown up world awaits. When did this happen? Soon I won't be in college anymore. Less than 90 days. I say the countdown with a neutral tone of - whoa! The excitement and the anxiety balance each other out to equal a neutral sentiment - a breathless whoa.

I read in a magazine to do "three things each day that make you happy" and I have been recording at least 3 the last 100 days I am in college. Looking at pictures from happy vacations - Europe, Seaside - definitely qualify. Some of the Seaside memories captured in pictures that my heart's been feasting on...

So I dance with Cinderella

She spins and she sways to whatever song plays without a care in the world
And I’m sitting here wearing the weight of the world on my shoulders

It’s been a long day and there’s still work to do
She’s looking at me saying,
‘Dad, I need you –
There’s a ball at the castle and I’ve been invited
And I need to practice my dancin’.
Oh please, Daddy please.’

So I dance with Cinderella
While she is here in my arms
Cuz I know something the prince never knew
Oh I dance with Cinderella
I don't want to miss even one song
Cuz all too soon the clock will strike midnight
And she’ll be gone


As you can see I went as Cinderella, a Disney princess, to the D-function and Clint went as a very handsome Disney prince! Fun fact: I wore a dress that the bridesmaids in my mom’s wedding wore. :) I had a ball dressed as a princess, no pun intended.

My friends went as Dalmatians, dates, Dukes of Hazard, donut & detective, Disney Channel…

Awesome function. Possibly the best yet? Very possible!

Clint arrived Thursday, SUPRISING me by arriving 3 hours early! I was just about to go to dinner and he called, seeing what I was up to, then asked if I could help him carry in his stuff. Say what!!! He came with Caroline, Allison, and me to the DH for dinner. Later, we popped some Strawberry Andre to celebrate, shared it with the roommates, and watched Phantom of the Opera, my favorite!

I took my bio test – and it was, well, a bio test, ugh – and Clint and I went to Moe’s on campus for lunch and picked up some sushi for dinner. We then went to Paris Mountain State Park and went on a little hike – (THE WEATHER HAS GOTTEN SO AMAZING) – ‘bout an hour’s worth – then started getting ready for the big night!

We went over to Cory’s beforehand to join our peeps and a good time was had there by all. Roommate Jessie even joined us!

The function was hopping. It was so fun to see everyone in costumes. My friend Mary was the DJ and played a great mix of old pop favorites, beach music, country, and jams. Much dancing for 3 hours straight. There were yummy desserts there too. Definitely worth mentioning. :)

The next day consisted of a 5k run around campus (did I mention the weather is aaaaamazing, mid 60s!!! please be here to stay!!!). Errands to pick up some daisies for my new great great tridelt grand little and Valentines Day cards for some of my buddies & my boy that I just wrote just now before I started this blog where I am typing on the balcony, SOAKING up the GORGEOUS day and warm SUNSHINE :) Ritual for the new girls to get their big sisters in Tridelt.

Then, off to dinner at Stellar with Clint. We got GOAT CHEESE fondue and chocolate fondue. SO good! I must say, I am a big fan of goat cheese. We started walking down to Falls Park, but after a little stroll came back to the car (not after meeting an adorable pomerian look alike, a black and white papillon, oooh I cannot wait to get a little doggie!!).

Then, we came back to the apartment for about an hour and let our food settle. It was very good but very rich and we needed to recover before going out again, this time to the BARN. The big red Barn & Grille, where karaoke and the best townies around come to sing, see and be seen (sure, why not?). There were cowboy hats, flannel, girls in black dresses, guys in ties, nascar on the big screen, drinks in mason jars. If that doesn’t say ‘you are in the south’ I don’t know what will. It was awesome. It was so nice to have so many friends in one place. Tyner & Zeke were there, as was Leanna and her mom, Bridgette and Cory, Jessie, Clint, Mandy & David, Caroline, Allison, Amanda, and a passel of Pi Kapps. A group of girls (myself included) joined Clint on stage for a rendition of Dirty Little Secret by All American Rejects, and the whole gang got on stage for the last song of the night, Lean On Me.

This morning I COOKED. Yes, it’s true. My friends who like cooking enjoy the process, so since I had the time to devote to it I did enjoy it as well. My mom had sent with Clint a taco kit. Instead of meat, we added spinach, and a can of Rotel (tomatoes and peppers, mmmmm) and it was SO yummy! We then walked the 5k course on campus (BEAUTIFUL DAY) and Clint hit the road. What a wonderful weekend.

but i don't wanna!

T-4 hours until I get to see Clint for the first time in 3 1/2 weeks!

He is coming in town for the Delta Delta Delta D-function that's tomorrow night; we are dressing up as a DISNEY prince & princess.

Tomorrow we may go on a picnic in Falls Park or hiking around Paris Mountain. The weather is supposed to be very nice - mid 50s.

Saturday Tridelt has "Big Sis Revelation" where the new girls find out who their big sisters are, then I am going to take Clint to Stellar. My parents said it could be their treat to help me celebrate my law school acceptances.

And, about that. The waning motivation has hit a record low thanks to those acceptances.

Ugh. I have been quite successful at blowing off work, but then it stresses me out because I feel like I am relinquishing control - and I don't have control of the situation and am not prepared - oh how neurotic can I sound right now! What I mean to describe is the cycle of "oh, I have been accepted into grad school, I don't want to study right now or stress about homework, so I don't study, then I get stressed because I haven't done homework"...eeeeek.

I have a biology test tomorrow and really can't bring myself to study for it. Maybe I will once I see Clint again tonight, after we watch Phantom of the Opera...riiight. Hey, it could happen.

The past half hour-hour I have been on petfinder.com looking for my new best friend to take with me to Memphis (or Knoxville, fingers still crossed for Knoxville!). Some really cute pomeranians, but no heart-hitting-the-floor absolutely in love at first sight. Which I guess is a good thing since I can't adopt yet anyway.

Hmmpp.

I guesssss I'll study a liiiittle. Good weekend ahead :)

MEMPHIS : )

I got accepted into the Memphis Law School!!! Woo hoo!!!

It's a little surreal & is VERY exciting.

My mom got a letter from Memphis Law and called me.

"Do you want me to open it?" she asked. Um, yes. Moment of truth.

She put the phone down and I could hear her ripping the envelope. "Eeek!" she shrieked - a good eeek. :)

"Congratulations!" she read...

I definitely danced around my room to this song. It was the only appropriate response. :)


Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain
W.C. Handy -- won't you look down over me
Cause I got a first class ticket
But I'm as blue as a boy can be

Walking in Memphis
Walking with my feet ten feet off of the Beale
Walking in Memphis
Do I really feel the way I feel

Saw the ghost of Elvis
On Union Avenue
Followed him up to the gates of Graceland
Then I watched him walk right through
Now security they did not see him
They just hovered 'round his tomb
But there's a pretty little thing
Waiting on the King
Down in the Jungle Room

(Chorus)

They've got catfish on the table
They've got gospel in the air
And Reverend Green be glad to see you
When you haven't got a prayer
But you got a prayer in Memphis

Now Muriel plays piano
Every Friday at the Hollywood
And they brought me down to see her
And they asked me if I would --
Do a little number
And I sang with all my might
And she said --
"Tell me are you a Christian child?"
And I said "Ma'am I am tonight"

(Chorus)

Put on my blue suede shoes
And I boarded the plane
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain
Touched down in the land of the Delta Blues
In the middle of the pouring rain
(Marc Cohn, Walking in Memphis)

*25 things about me*

So, peeps on facebook are tagging each other to come up with 25 random things about themselves.

It interested me, but I didn't want to pull random things out of the air. One friend had a little guidance haha so here is my version of her questions...(I feel I have answered questions similar to this on my blog before...I don't remember when, but I know this is not the same one..)

1. Who's your favorite author?
Hmmm I think this depends on what mood I'm in. Everything I've read by John Eldredge I've LOVED. There's not one fiction author that comes to mind. Aww, weak answer.

2. What do you order when you go to Starbucks?
FRAPPACHINOS. One summer I was helping out at vacation bible school would get one like every day...and each day they seemed to get larger and larger...hmm. Mocha is the best, but vanilla (usually my fav) is very good as well.

3. What does your favorite shirt look like?
Bright pink from Banana Republic and has - well, not billowy but nonrestrictive sleeves. Got it in Charleston. It's soft.

4. Where/when do you feel closest to God?
Praying first thing in the morning. On walks. At the farm. On the beach. When I'm alone outside.

5. Would you ever go bungee jumping?
At first I thought yes, but considering I get motion sickness riding tire swings I don't think it would be a good idea.

6. Dark chocolate or milk chocolate?
DARK CHOCOLATE = obsessed.

7. What tv shows do you love?
This season's Bachelor is the only one I watch regularly but I'd like to watch Sex & the City sometime (oh, my high school self would be cringing right now, but I thought the movie was great!). Oh, and Law and Order could be added to the list of what I'd like to watch!

8. Did you ever have an invisible friend?
No, just pretended like I was an animal...

9. If you had to choose a high school stereotype, which were you?
A nice girl...lol (as opposed to being a mean middle schooler who told guys they weren't boyfriend material)who participated in sports and youth group...so, well rounded i suppose?

10. Can you sing?
YES! haha actually, no, not at all. lol I just wish I could sing opera SO bad. don't ask me why. yes, opera.

11. Can you dance?
i try but most the time i just end up flailing

12. Can you do that really loud whistle thing using two fingers in your mouth?
i've never been able to whistle

13. Where's the best place you've ever lived?
Rocky Top you'll always been home sweet home to me! good ol' rocky top - wooo! - rocky top TENNESSEE!

14. What's your favorite things about yourself?
Ughhh. Annoying question. I like how easily amused I am. That was the first thing that came to mind.

15. What's your favorite board game?
Monopoly or the Titanic Board Game (aww, too soon..)! I would cheat when playing with my brothers when I was younger and tell them: "pay Allison $50." They couldn't read, so they complied.

16. What's your pet peeve?
People who don't use their turn signals. Gaaaah just do it.

17. Favorite season.
Summer: it's warm outside, school's out, fourth of july, beach memories, I always have fun birthday parties...

18. Biggest phobia.
My loved ones dying and being alone or raped. Morbid. Sorry.

19. The one thing you'd save in a fire.
Lucy!

20. If you could be friends with anyone from LOST, who'd you choose?
I don't watch LOST anymore...it got too weird...

21. If you were a superhero, what color would your suit be?
I would be the pink power ranger!!!

22. Have you ever ridden a tractor?
yes, we used to have one...or maybe we still do...can't remember if it dun got blown away by the tornado

23. Do you speak any languages besides English?
Un peu francais

24. Pick two for a 'dream SO' : good-looking, rich, funny, smart, sensual, independent, sweet, strong, exciting
Sweet and exciting

25. What was your favorite toy as a kid?
Kitty!!!

Accepted!

I got my acceptance letter from Mississippi College School of Law today!

That was quite exciting. :)

I have to let them know by April 1 - mom's birthday - April Fool's Day. Hmmpph.

I would LOVE to go to MC, & it was nice to know I am IN somewhere fabulous. But, I don't know if I could go if I don't receive any bit of scholarship.

So, we'll see. Waiting to hear back from the TN schools & others...

Charleston = peace, charm, & grace

"I'm going back to Charleston...I want peace. I want to see if somewhere there isn't something left in life of charm and grace" - Rhett Butler

So Hannah turned 21 last weekend so Jenni, Bridgette, and I ventured up to Charleston this past weekend to help her celebrate! Her parents rented out a hotel room for us in downtown Charleston & provided dinner & beverages & our tickets to an improv comedy show Friday night & an appetizer at dinner Saturday night! Talk about a treat!

We had wonderful warm sunshine all weekend & slept in after a night out on the town then shopped all day and went to Social, a fancy, yummy restaurant for dinner then back out on the town! Wet Willys for slushies both nights, Irish pub, Wild Wings. Hannah wore the birthday crown and badge Friday night and her new blue dress Saturday night while her guests wore black! :)

What can I say, it was wonderful. Wonderful to see and spend time with dearest Hannah and be with two of my other best friends outside the bubble of school and academia pressures. Homework went out the window as a "personal day," er, weekend was taken, a weekend with the ladies!

It's never been more perfect being alive
Never felt more satisfied

I'm in one of those "I'm-so-thankful-for-my-life-and-friends" kind of mood. I'm just going to relish this wonderful blessing that was this weekend & the most sacred gift life affords - friendship/relationships/love - that God has LAVISHED on me that I felt in BIG ways this weekend. God is good. :) Oh, how He loves us!

Rhett Butler was SO right. Charleston = peace, charm, & grace. :)