just a little girl

This song accompanied some adorable clips from The Office of Jim & Pam that I found on youtube. Click here to check it out.



She's always tryin' to be
some independent girl who is never in need
But 20 years in this town
she still relies on me to find her way around

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

when i think too much
the voices in my head are silenced by her touch
she hates bein alone
and baby talks to me when we're on the phone

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl

in a world that moves too fast
she's afraid she'll never last
but if she holds the faith of a child
she'll be alright... she'll be alright

because she's just a little girl - time isn't holding her down
she's just a little girl - she never needed a crown
she just wants somebody around
who won't laugh when she laughs too loud
she just wants somebody to see
she's just a little girl
(Stephen Speaks - just a little girl)

The picture's from Halloween freshman year of college. We had little trick or treaters come around the dorms and we passed out candy. :) :) :)
Halloween's almost here!

in a world that moves too fast
she's afraid she'll never last
but if she holds the faith of a child
she'll be alright... she'll be alright

Halloween sophomore year, I finally remembered -- we were pumpkins!

serene

I saw the picture of Cindy McCain sitting, looking off into the distance, several weeks ago and was struck by how serene she looked.

Perhaps it's because I've been following her daughter's blog during the campaign, or because she's in her early 50s, is a mother of 2(+) boys and 2(+) girls & a devoted wife & Republican, but for whatever reason, she reminds me of my mother.

I hate how the media has nit picked and criticized her and Sarah Palin both over the past couple months. I cannot wait for all the mud slinging at these decent, dignified, hard working women to stop. I would be so proud to have Cindy in the White House and Sarah as Second in Command. To me, they represent the values our country was founded upon, and they have a clear vision of what our country needs.

We DON'T need to spread the wealth around. We don't need to become a nation of handouts, abortion (which promotes a spirit of murder as one of my friends said), and free health care -- that money has to come from somewhere. Everyone, even the wealthy, don't deserve to have their taxes raised. The wealthy deserve their hard earned money just as much as those who don't make as much.

I'm still holding out hope for Nov. 4. Maybe I'm wrong about Obama. Maybe he will bring good CHANGE. But will we ever know if the change he brings is good or bad, because he can do no wrong in the eyes of the media? How can one of the most liberal Senators in the United States Senate with a VP that is one of the other most liberal Senators unite the country?

I cast my vote. Only one more week til the big day. I wish Cindy, John, & Sarah the best. I'm still holding out hope.

As Erin told me, there's always hope. As Christians our hope is secure in God who does not change like shifting shadows. In God our hope is secure.

You're closer than our troubles

This came on my ipod shuffle during my run yesterday and I listened to it on repeat.
It illustrates "The Lord is near" (Phil 4:5) in the first couple verses very well!

You’re closer than our troubles
More present than any danger
More grand than gold and silver
You are God, You are God

You’re the joy of man’s desire
You are Father, satisfier
We are stunned with wide-eyed wonder
You are God, You are God

You fill our hearts with love and faith
You fight for us, You make us brave
You are God, You are God.
You walk with us, You lead us on
Faith, hope and love wakes up with dawn
You are God, You are God

Life flows from God, it flows from God
Life flows from God, it flows from God
Life flows from God, it flows from God
(I don't know who this is by)

charleston, halloween, rejoicing

“I'm going back to Charleston where there's a little bit of grace and charm still left in this world” – Rhett Butler, Gone With the Wind

Yesterday was:
just what I needed
[It was] just what I needed
Yeah…just what I needed
Yeah, yeah, yeah

I had won a raffle to go to Charleston.

The trip included a free lunch at Hyman’s (which consisted of boiled peanuts and crab dip for an appetizer, salad, I ordered scallops, and key lime pie), walking tour of the city, free time, and a ghost tour. Best of all, I was with Jenni and Caroline, whom I love, and we got to visit with Hannah at Starbucks, whom I also love while drinking coffee (my favorite).

We got to shop and walk about in one of my favorite – if not my most favorite – city for a day, and it was perfect temperature wise – about 70, but overcast, so it wasn’t the slightest bit hot. It was overcast, but not dreary, though that’s how some of my pictures made it look, so I made many of them black and white. It was wonderful to be surrounded by beautiful sights, whether it be the cobblestone streets, rod iron fences, historical mansions, bright colors of the mansions on rainbow row, peaceful water as far as the eye could see off the battery, flowers, trees with their leaves changing, brides and their bridal parties, Halloween decorations, old churches, old buildings. The grace and charm and timeless beauty did my weary soul a world of good. I bought two shirts from Banana Republic for more than half off – a cashmere bright pink shirt and a silk orange shirt, both long sleeved, both will be worn for the first time this weekend when I visit Clint.

We went on a ghost tour – it was the third time I’ve done a ghost tour in Charleston, and my fourth ghost tour of my life. The ghost tour was still wonderful the third time around.

Perhaps, since Halloween is less than a week away, “Halloween was in the air” – and what I mean by that is the mix of the feel of fall (temperature wise) and sights of fall (changing leaves, orange and yellow flower and pumpkin arrangements, Halloween decorations) brought back a warm feelings of past Halloweens – memories with my family, memories as a little kid. Halloween was always a special time at the Renfro house. We would go to a pumpkin patch and pick out pumpkins, carve them together, the siblings would get dressed up, and take pictures on the front steps of our old house. We would have decorations out all over the house and outside and have creepy music playing for trick or treaters (and the Monster Mash, which is creepy in its own way haha), dump our pillowcases full of candy and count them and trade, and dad would pay us a quarter for the pieces he wanted (Butterfingers, usually). Leading up to Halloween we would watch certain movies – The Witches, Hocus Pocus, Legend of Sleepy Hollow (cartoon version), some Disney short films, The Watcher in the Woods, and shows like Are You Afraid of the Dark. I haven’t grown out of my love for Halloween because to me Halloween is all of these things – its not just trick or treating or pumpkins or candy or spooky things. It’s family memories and there’s just excitement and a thrill in the air similar to that of the thrill of other holidays – they’re so steeped in tradition that the thought of Christmas or Halloween or Thanksgiving is not just loaded with the anticipation of new memories that are going to be made, but all the old memories, the sweet sweet memories of past years.

I was catwoman for Halloween in prefirst, and there’s a picture of me laying down with our kittens on top of me, completely in character and in my imagination world; in kindergarten I was a duck and had a full body duck costume and orange beak; in first grade I wanted to be a purple octopus (full body suit, big tentacles) but it was too small so I went as a hula girl and sat outside the class Halloween party [back in the day when there still were Halloween parties, not “holiday” or fall parties – laaaame] crying because I didn’t get to be a purple octopus; I was a camo girl in 7th and 9th grade, a cat in 8th grade [and the cat ears and tail came with me to college – you never know when you may need a cat costume], a ‘50s girl in 5th grade, a French maid senior year of high school [mom and pops Renfro let me out of the house so it wasn’t that scandalous], freshman year of college I was a pink cowgirl, junior year I was Cinderella [and wore a bridesmaids dress that was in my mom’s wedding], and this year I am going to be Giselle from Enchanted. I can’t remember the years in between off the top of my head, but there are plenty of pictures documenting those costumes. Loca was a pumpkin last year. I can’t wait to pick out a cute costume for my future dog.

Anyways, back to the near present (instead of future hopes and past memories).

I found this email my momma had sent me when I got home from Charleston:

“Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I say rejoice! Let your gentleness be apparent to all. THE LORD IS NEAR!!! Do not be anxious about anything but in everything, with prayers and petitions, with thanksgiving, bring your requests to God. And the peace of God, that passes all understanding, will be yours in Christ Jesus” Phil. 4:4-6

The comfort I get from this verse is that the Lord is near. Imagine that he is right there with you, looking at you, loving you. He doesn’t love you any more or less based on a test score. I know the Lord has a particular work for you to do..you are just so special and unique. I will pray that you will have a peace about your next step..there are other avenues of graduate study…Maybe this door had to close in order for the door you were meant to walk through could open… The opposite cliché could also apply..that walls are there to show how badly you want something. Only you, with the guidance of the Holy Spirit, know which applies to you…You did not score high enough on paper to get into Furman and look how well you have done. Test scores are just one measurement. I would stack your character and work ethic against a multitude of high LSAT scores! We love you and we are proud of you and we admire you. Hold your head up. Love, MOM

I will sing of your mercies that lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy

Never underestimate my Jesus you’re telling me there’s no hope, I’m telling you you’re wrong; never underestimate my Jesus when the world around you crumbles he will be strong, he will be strong

There’s only grace, there’s only love, there’s only mercy and believe me its enough, your sins are gone without a trace there’s nothing left – only grace. So get back up, get back up, get back up again.

Lane had read the exact same verse as a chapter devotional last week. Perhaps I should really think about what God’s word is trying to show about life and God’s love.

I don’t know what I am going to do. I hoping to take the LSAT again. I don’t have reason to believe the score would get higher – I can’t study more than I do for the first time now that I’m in the second half of the term and the big projects have been assigned. I don’t know if law school is in the cards for me, though I really hope it is. I don’t know! I just have to trust and not worry about it. God knows the plans he has for me. Now, I really have to show him I believe that more than ever because I don’t have my own plans to cling to, my efforts won’t get me into law school, it would be by the grace of God – literally – if I get a better score in December or get in anywhere with the pitiful LSAT score I have now, and by the grace of God that I find the path He wants me to see instead.

And the peace of God, that passes all understanding, will be yours in Christ Jesus.

It’s been a really peaceful, restful day. Feels like it IS the “day of rest” I hear about but am not always intentional in observing. I am going to walk/run on this glorious fall day then do some reading, then shower and put on my sweat pants and stay in them for the rest of the night because we don't have to dress up for chapter. Every girl needs a good, comfortable pair of sweatpants at least a size too big, wonderful and warm.

This is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118)

tonight

I'm just hurting. This seemed appropriate.

Let her cry -- Hootie

She sits alone by a lamppost
Trying to find a thought thats escaped her mind
She says dads the one I love the most
But stipes not far behind

She never lets me in
Only tell me wheres shes been
When shes had too much to drink
I say that I dont care I just run my hands
Through her dark hair and then I pray to god
You gotta help me fly away

And just...
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note by the phone
Saying maybe, maybe Ill be back some day
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didnt know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for
Myself.

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

-solo-

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Last night I tried to leave
Cried so much I just
Could not believe
She was the same girl i
Fell in love with long ago
She went in the back to
Get high
I sat down on my couch
And cried
Yelling oh mama please
Help me
Wont you hold my hand.

And
Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

Let her cry...if the tears fall down like rain
Let her sing...if it eases all her pain
Let her go...let her walk right out on me
And if the sun comes up tomorrow
Let her be...let her be.

the question of the night

-- (From about.com) --

Question: Should I Re-Take the LSAT?

Answer: Ideally, you should only take the LSAT when you are fully prepared and ready to do your best. This will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. Taking the LSAT again means more fees, more stress, and having to rush to beat your application deadline. And what's worse is that many law schools take the average of all of your LSAT scores rather than only looking at your highest score - so you have to do a lot better to increase your average.

There are several situations in which re-taking the LSAT does make sense. For example, if the law schools you're considering will only look at your top score, it makes sense to prepare more and try again if you can afford the money and time. Or if you were somehow incapacitated during the test because of sickness, anxiety, or other unavoidable stresses, you will probably manage to raise your score by re-taking the LSAT.

Before deciding to re-test, consider these factors:

1. Will your score come back in enough time to decide where to apply?
LSAT scores are a strong determining factor in where you should apply to law school, so you need to know your scores before making that decision. This is a good reason to take the LSAT in June.

2. Do your prospective law schools take the average of multiple LSAT scores, or do they only look at your highest score or the most recent one?
This will give you an idea of how much it may help you to re-test. You can find this information by calling the admissions department or searching online.

3. Will you be able to prepare significantly more than you did last time?
The fact is that many re-testers do not score much better on the LSAT the second time around. So you will need to balance the odds by doing alot of test prep before testing again.

My advice is to re-test if you can commit to more test prep, or if unavoidable stresses ruined the first test. In this way, you'll be likely to score higher next time by building knowledge, confidence, and test-taking skills.

psalm 121

Yup -- it's a good theme verse, a good place to start memorizing. Read this commentary from biblegateway.com. Beautiful, just beautiful. God is good.


The safety of the godly.

We must not rely upon men and means, instruments and second causes. Shall I depend upon the strength of the hills? upon princes and great men? No; my confidence is in God only. Or, we must lift up our eyes above the hills; we must look to God who makes all earthly things to us what they are. We must see all our help in God; from him we must expect it, in his own way and time.

This psalm teaches us to comfort ourselves in the Lord, when difficulties and dangers are greatest. It is almighty wisdom that contrives, and almighty power that works the safety of those that put themselves under God's protection. He is a wakeful, watchful Keeper; he is never weary; he not only does not sleep, but he does not so much as slumber. Under this shade they may sit with delight and assurance. He is always near his people for their protection and refreshment.

The right hand is the working hand; let them but turn to their duty, and they shall find God ready to give them success. He will take care that his people shall not fall. Thou shalt not be hurt, neither by the open assaults, nor by the secret attempts of thine enemies.

The Lord shall prevent the evil thou fearest, and sanctify, remove, or lighten the evil thou feelest. He will preserve the soul, that it be not defiled by sin, and disturbed by affliction; he will preserve it from perishing eternally. He will keep thee in life and death; going out to thy labour in the morning of thy days, and coming home to thy rest when the evening of old age calls thee in. It is a protection for life. The Spirit, who is their Preserver and Comforter, shall abide with them for ever. Let us be found in our work, assured that the blessings promised in this psalm are ours.

slumber

I had dinner with my gal pal Christian on Monday night and when we were talking certain scripture came to mind and we were both like, well, I don't know it exactly, I should, but I don't. We both admitted that we have bible verses up in our room with the intention of memorizing but don't bother to read them or commit them to heart. Over the summer I really wanted to memorize a passage in Isaiah but never did, and if I do recall correctly, I tried to memorize a Psalm too. I have a bad memory, but that's no excuse. God has given me his word to have in my heart to cling to in times of need: his word is encouraging, edifying, instructive, and life giving. So I am going to start with Psalm 121. I put wrote it out on four big pink and yellow sticky notes that I can see from my bed (I sit on my bed and study - the verses are in clear view at all times).

-- Psalm 121 --

I lift my eyes up to the hills - where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip -

he who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, He who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord watches over you -

the Lord is your shade at your right hand;

the sun will not harm you by day nor the moon by night.

The Lord will keep you from all harm - he will watch over your life;

the Lord will watch over your coming and going both now and forever more.


I was wondering what the difference between "slumber" and "sleep" -- apparently, there's a big difference. According to dictionary.com:
 
1. to sleep, esp. lightly; doze; drowse.
2. to be in a state of inactivity, negligence, quiescence, or calm: Vesuvius is slumbering.
3. to spend or pass (time) in slumbering (often fol. by away, out, or through): to slumber the afternoon away.
4. to dispel or forget by slumbering (often fol. by away): to slumber cares away.

For this Psalm to say God, who watches over us, will not slumber during his time of watchful care is to say God -- (1) doesn't get weary in watching over us/protecting us; (2) God is not in a state of inactivity or negligence towards us; (3) he doesn't pass the time in sleeping, which would keep him from tending to us; (4) and he does not dispel or forget us by sleeping instead.

This Psalm presents an AWESOME picture of who God is. I think of the Garden of Gethesame, when Jesus asks his disciples to stay awake and pray, but they are too tired (Natalie Grant sings, in "Held" - can we not wait for one hour watching for our savior?). They can't - they are too tired, the flesh is too weak. But that's not an issue with God. He doesn't get too tired to be there for us. God has wired us so we need sleep, and created a day of rest because we need rest. But he doesn't take a rest break from watching over us -- he won't fall asleep when he should be watching over us.

People get really grumpy when they are tired. After reading Life's Little Instruction Book, I started writing down little 1-2 liners of my own and the first one that came to mind is, "Being tired is no excuse for being rude. In fact, there is never an excuse to be rude." So often I do use being tired as an excuse not to be loving (being rude is the antithesis of being loving - Paul, 1 Cor. 13 - "Love...is not rude").

I had midterms last week and so this week has been a much lighter work load and I have been sleeping a lot more, at least 7-8 hours a night. It has made a world of a difference. Being well rested has a way of making me feel like the clouds in my head have been cleared away. I still get grumpy about other things, but when I'm well rested I'm less easily offended and just feel more present wherever I am. This is the way God intended it. He intended that we rest. There's work to be done, and it's rewarding, but he leads us beside still waters to be still - he must lead us because it is not our natural tendency to be still and in a restful state. I suppose when I am well rested, and alert - therefore more alert to what's going on with others around me - I am more about to be a contributing presence to whatever is happening, and that's how God is all the time. He's always present, alert, not tired. That is good news!

Ready or not

I am SO not ready...
for it to be this cold already
to start paying bills
to leave my Furman friends
to get married
to have babies

I am SO ready...
for this campaign to be OVER
to get my LSAT score back
to finish law school aps and know where I'll be next year
to get Pixy
to graduate
to wear my Giselle costume and see Clint on Halloween

So much can be learned from dogs!

My mum sent me this fabulous email today about dogs.


A Dog's Purpose.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.

I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's Death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.'

Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good Life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The Six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

Live simply.

Love generously.

Care deeply.

Speak kindly.

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy.

Take naps.

Stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

ENJOY EVERY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY!

According to Brad Pitt

I found this on a website and think this is interesting. I'll refrain from commentary because it speaks pretty well for itself.

Aspiring for success and personal gain? Here is a secular perspective that will open your eyes. In an interview with Rolling Stone magazine, celebrity Brad Pitt reflected about a man who has the American dream yet remains unsatisfied, empty and unfulfilled.

Pitt: “Man, I know all these things are supposed to seem important to us - the car, the condo, our version of success - but if that's the case, why is the general feeling out there reflecting more impotence and isolation and desperation and loneliness? If you ask me, I say toss all this - we gotta find something else. Because all I know is that at this point in time, we are heading for a dead end, a numbing of the soul, a complete atrophy of the spiritual being. And I don't want that.”

Rolling Stone: So if we're heading toward this kind of existential dead end in society, what do you think should happen?

Pitt: “Hey, man, I don't have those answers yet. The emphasis now is on success and personal gain. I'm sitting in it, and I'm telling you, that's not it. I'm the guy who's got everything. I know. But I'm telling you, once you've got everything, then you're just left with yourself. I've said it before and I'll say it again: it doesn't help you sleep any better, and you don't wake up any better because of it.”

THE PROBLEM:

”I have seen all the works that are done under the sun; and, behold, all is vanity and vexation of spirit.” Ecclesiastes 1:14 (Apart from God it is all vanity and a chasing of the wind.)

THE ANSWER:

And Jesus said unto them, “I am the bread of life: he that cometh to Me shall never hunger; and He that believeth on Me shall never thirst.” John 6:35

this love

“This love is difficult, but it’s real” – Taylor Swift, Love Story

Love languages are a tricky thing.
They’re not about how you want to love a person/show love, but how that person needs to be loved, what kind of love makes them feel most loved. Dr. Chapman boiled the love languages down to 5 – words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.

I am feeling sorry for myself today because can’t figure out the best way to love a certain person right now. He said his love language was quality time. We don’t have that luxury right now of doing things together because we are 350 miles apart. So I do what I can – I made him cookies and sent them to him (gifts) with a nice letter (it’s not the first I sent, because I try to remind him daily how wonderful he is and how much he means to me – words of affirmation), physical touch isn’t an option right now, nor is service really, but maybe the way I’ve shown that is how I spend money on him or maybe that’s just gifts. It’s my fault because all those other ways of showing love aren’t his love language so they don’t mean nearly as much but I try them anyway and get really sad when he doesn’t just flip cartwheels out of appreciation. Our phone time is our quality time and I was so excited to talk to him yesterday and tried to show him that but he didn’t seem to get that either. I’m kind of at a loss as to what I can do, because I feel I am doing the best I can given the circumstance, or maybe I’m just projecting these feelings of him of I don’t know how to love him because I feel like he doesn’t know how to love me. And maybe I just expect too much. Maybe I feel like he just doesn’t care about the little things I do to show love – I just want to figure out what would make a difference, what he would care about. It doesn’t help that physical touch is my love language – I love being held – my hand, or myself, just hold me. As far as money goes, it is worth it to me to spend money on him if he appreciates it, it’s worth it to me if it’s worth it to him, but if it doesn’t matter, I guess it’s not worth it. I’m thinking about this in regards to a plane ticket for Nancy’s wedding. If he acknowledged that he appreciated me spending hundreds of dollars so we could be together I wouldn’t mind so much but he doesn’t seem to get that things like that are a big sacrifice on my part and I don’t mind if it means something to him. I am saying the same thing over and over again. Maybe I shouldn’t expect so much. Maybe we should talk less so when we do it is more purposeful. Sometimes I just really can’t do silly. I was trying to be serious last night. I love being silly and I love that he’s silly but when I need him to be serious and take me serious I just wish he could be that for me. I just feel like I am too much. Maybe I am expecting too much, wanting too much, I have always been very intense in relationships, and I am taking this one very serious because I want to be with him always. But maybe I shouldn’t be too serious. Oh what is the balance because I know I am to look to God first for love, that only God can satisfy my heart but God also gives us relationships where love is involved and it doesn’t seem too preposterous to seek love from those relationships as well. I am trying to figure out how I can feel loved from this relationship given what I have to work with, what reasonable expectations are, and love languages – must cater to the love languages to avoid this sinking feeling of being unappreciated. Love is difficult. Love can mend your life but love can break your heart (Message in a Bottle – The Police). Love is so worth it though and that’s why it endures all things, hopes all things, and never fails. This is the easiest “love” relationship I’ve ever had but it hasn’t been perfect and I am glad for that. He isn’t perfect and so my heart is directed to worship the One who is instead; Clint has been an AMAZING picture of God’s love, and I am finding the balance of enjoying the picture, being grateful for the picture, loving the picture, but not in proportionate to my love for the object the picture attempts to capture, Jesus Christ. Clint points me to Jesus, resembles Jesus, but he’s not Jesus. And that’s ok. I can love them both. I may fail at it, but each has a very special place in my life and I can love them in respect to their place. Yeah. Ok. Feeling better now.

Love story

We were both young when I first saw you
I closed my eyes and the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights, see the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello
Little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said, "stay away from Juliet"
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you, please don't go
And I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes

So, I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

Oh oh
Cause you were Romeo, I was the scarlet letter
And my daddy said, "stay away from Juliet"
But you were my everything to me
I was begging you, please don't go
And I said

Romeo, take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting, all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes

Romeo, save me
They try to tell me how I feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes

Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town
And I said

Romeo, save me
I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you, but you never come
Is this in my head
I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring
And said

Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad
Go pick out a white dress
It's a love story
Baby, just say yes

Oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh

'Cause we were both young when I first saw you
(Taylor Swift, Love Story)

My Halloween costume (Giselle's dress from the picture) was shipped yesterday. :) 10 days.

My favorite song

O Love that will not let me go - George Matheson

O Love That Will Not Let Me Go
O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

O light that followest all my way,
I yield my flickering torch to thee;
My heart restores its borrowed ray,
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be.

O Joy that seekest me through pain,
I cannot close my heart to thee;
I trace the rainbow through the rain,
And feel the promise is not vain,
That morn shall tearless be.

O Cross that liftest up my head,
I dare not ask to fly from thee;
I lay in dust life’s glory dead,
And from the ground there blossoms red
Life that shall endless be.

“O Love That Will Not Let Me Go” written on the evening of Matheson’s sister’s marriage. His whole family had went to the wedding and had left him alone. And he writes of something which had happened to him that caused immense mental anguish. There is a story of how years before, he had been engaged until his fiancé learned that he was going blind, and there was nothing the doctors could do, and she told him that she could not go through life with a blind man. He went blind while studying for the ministry, and his sister had been the one who had taken care of him all these years, but now she is gone. He had been a brilliant student, some say that if he hadn’t went blind he could have been the leader of the church of Scotland in his day. He had written a learned work on German theology and then wrote “The Growth of The Spirit of Christianity.” Louis Benson says this was a brilliant book but with some major mistakes in it. When some critics pointed out the mistakes and charged him with being an inaccurate student he was heartbroken. One of his friends wrote, “When he saw that for the purposes of scholarship his blindness was a fatal hindrance, he withdrew from the field – not without pangs, but finally.” So he turned to the pastoral ministry, and the Lord has richly blessed him, finally bringing him to a church where he regularly preached to over 1500 people each week. But he was only able to do this because of the care of his sister and now she was married and gone. Who will care for him, a blind man? Not only that, but his sister’s marriage brought fresh reminder of his own heartbreak, over his fiancé’s refusal to “go through life with a blind man.” It is the midst of this circumstance and intense sadness that the Lord gives him this hymn – written he says in 5 minutes! Looking back over his life, he once wrote that his was “an obstructed life, a circumscribed life… but a life of quenchless hopefulness, a life which has beaten persistently against the cage of circumstance, and which even at the time of abandoned work has said not “Good night” but “Good morning.” How could he maintain quenchless hopefulness in the midst of such circumstances and trials? His hymn gives us a clue. “I trace the rainbow in the rain, and feel the promise is not vain” The rainbow image is not for him “If the Lord gives you lemons make lemonade” but a picture of the Lord’s commitment! It is a picture of the battle bow that appears when the skies are darkening and threaten to open up and flood the world again in judgment. But then we see that the battle bow is turned not towards us – but toward the Lord Himself!

I love this song so much and revisit it so much. I want it played at my funeral. It is my life. It is "never will I leave you, never will I forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5)& "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9) & "weeping may stay for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning" (Psalm 30:15)& "let us hold unswervingly to the hope that we profess for he who promised is faithful" (hebrews 10:23)in one song. I can rejoice in this sorrow filled world anticipating the coming joy of being with Christ face to face. My heart hungers, longs, thirsts for this, and I feel the promise is not vain that a day will come when this will happen. "He must become more, I must become less" (John 3:30) - I give thee back the life I owe that in thine ocean depth its flow may richer fuller be. Joy that seekest me through pain, Love that will not let me go, Light that followest all my way - this is what I need Him to be for me and this is what He is. I find great comfort in the tender attributes of God - the gentle God who lifts up my head, lifts me up from my disgrace, redeems my life from the pit, and holds me close. The tender Christ who knows my name, knows my needs, knows the depths of my heart and loves me the same, chooses to be with me despite myself - You sit at the table with the wounded and the poor, you laugh and share stories with the thief and the whore, when you could just be silent and leave us here to die. Still, You sent Your Son for us - You are on our side. You are my friend, a gentle friend, loyal, faithful, consistent, constant, kind, patient, loving, humble. Forgive me for being a fair weathered friend. You love me so deeply and comfort me so deeply that I shouldn't need or seek any other love but I do. I do - it's embarrassing how often I do, how unfaithful and ungrateful I am despite how much He loves me. In his song Wedding Dress Derek Webb compares Christians who seek fulfillment in things outside of Christ to a person committing adultery:

if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding gift, your life
should that be all i’ll ever need
or is there more i’m looking for

and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome, rich, and wise
is that really what you want

(chorus)
i am a whore i do confess
but i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the aisle
i’m a prodigal with no way home
but i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the aisle to you

so could you love this bastard child
though i don’t trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold
and with the other in your side
i am so easily satisfied
by the call of lovers less wild
that i would take a little cash
over your very flesh and blood

(chorus)

because money cannot buy
a husband’s jealous eye
when you have knowingly deceived his wife

Despite all this, the Love does not let me go. Yet God still promises even to me, "I will betroth you to me forever; I will betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I will betroth you in faithfulness," and "no one will take her out of my hands," and "I am now going to allure her; I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her" (Hosea 2:19-20, 10, 14). God is willing to maintain a relationship even when his spouse has become a coarse and vulgar prostitute. O love that will not let me go, I rest my weary soul in this promise. I rest my weary soul in you. I have nowhere else to turn that comforts me like you. You planned it that way, didn't you? If it's been said once it's been said a thousand times: You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless til they find their rest in you - St. Augustine.

Almighty God,
you have made us for yourself,
and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in you:
pour your love into our hearts and draw us to yourself,
and so bring us at last to your heavenly city
where we shall see you face to face;
through Jesus Christ your Son our Lord,
who is alive and reigns with you,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, now and for ever.

A busy day for a bridesmaid

Whoa momma this weekend has flown by! It has been wonderful. I have gotten to spend a lot of time with my best friends, which has been marvelous.

Yesterday, as the title indicates, was a busy day for a bridesmaid. I went to Nancy’s bridal shower at noon. The theme was “we’re going green” because she loves green so guests were encouraged to bring green gifts, there were cupcakes with green frosting, cucumber sandwiches, spinach croissants, and chocolate covered pretzels with green M&Ms. It was so great to see her! She has 35 days until her wedding day and is so excited! Nancy is my big sister in Tridelt and we met the first day I was a Tridelt and became best friends. She has been such a blessing in my life. We pray together, laugh together, dance together, talk together, and are silly together. We are two peas in a pod. I need to think of a more profound way of saying those things for a rehearsal dinner toast haha! She filled me in with more wedding weekend details (Nov. 21-23) and the maid of honor and I coordinated riding to the airport together. I’m excited because the weekend before Nancy gets married Clint will be in town and we are going out with Nancy and her fiancé Joseph! Nancy’s mother asked if I wanted to bring Clint to the wedding and I hadn’t even considered it until she mentioned it. As far as wedding etiquette goes, I learned this summer that if the invitations don’t say “and guest” they are not factoring in a guest for you, but since I am in the bridal party it’s different. Ever since they mentioned it I really want him there and have been looking at flights – perhaps it will be my Christmas present to him – and he is going to see if he can miss class on that Friday so he can fly down to Orlando. Nancy’s mom said he would be included in all the rehearsal dinner festivities and what not. If not Friday, maybe he can fly down Saturday morning. I hope I hope I hope.

After the shower I ran some errands that ended up taking FOREVER. I went to get my car’s oil changed and apparently one of the alternator and power steering belts were seriously cracked and needed to be replaced so there was another hour sitting at the car shop. The mechanic thought it had never been replaced on my little 1996 car. The car doesn’t even have 70,000 miles on it but it is starting to get rather old. After that I went to get some shoes for the bridesmaid dress and went to four different places before finding ones I liked. The only requirements were silver but I knew exactly what I had in mind. I found some – more than I wanted to spend, but they will look really nice with the dress and are very comfortable which is important because I will be on my feet all night. After that I took the dress to get altered – it is absolutely gorgeous but is currently about 3 sizes too big so it just slides down. Should be ready by the end of the week.

After that I went home and it was like 5 p.m. so I laid supine on my bed and took a 20 minute power nap, then made some red velvet cookies, went to Lemongrass for dinner with my roommates for a roomie night, then went to Brita’s and introduced her to Enchanted and drank tea, talked, watched Enchanted, and ate cookies with her. I ordered my Halloween costume today as well – I am going as Giselle from Enchanted – and am going to wear her big poofy white dress!!! Yaaaaaaaaayyy~! Clint is going as Prince Edward and is going to wear my brother’s Prince Edward costumer. Love it!
Friday night I went to dinner with Allison and Virginia, my Tridelt family, and I am about to go to church then Mary is making me a home made breakfast and we are going to a craft show in Asheville, NC. AMAZING weekend!

And here is the Psalm that began my day, Psalm 121:

I lift my eyes up to the hills, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of Heaven and Earth. He will not let your foot slip – he who watches over you will not slumber. (1-3)

any given tuesday

Well I wrote this last night but my Internet wasn't working so I couldn't put it up til now. I will post pictures and tell the story of Flannel Night at the Karaoke Barn soon.

“I like how we made up our own theme parties” – Bridgette.

Theme party # 1: flannel night at the barn. The karaoke barn. On a Tuesday night. I am wearing a dress from the ‘70s with a flannel top. It’s pretty awesome. Other theme nights we are having? Octoberfest. Pumpkin decorating. Thanksgiving reenactment. Election night. Mandy’s birthday. Wine tasking party. Christmas party. I love my roommates.

Ever since the LSAT I have been a lot less stressed about life. I think I studied so much and so hard for it that ever since I felt like I just hit a pause button and have been resting instead of being so hardcore about homework and I don't really feel like hitting resume quite yet. And maybe I don't need to resume to the pace I was going anyway.

I got an email from a friend’s mom today who was remembering her days at Furman. She said she misses her Furman days and remembers how they were so carefree back then – that the most important thing they had to do was get the float finished in time for homecoming. I was counting down how many months until Nat’s wedding and realized it’s 6 – which means 7 months until I GRADUATE COLLEGE. Whoa. Seven months?! That kind of hit me. Today I looked around a lot on my day to class wanting to commit it all to memory, savor it, absorb it, so it will be with me wherever I go. Because it won't be long until I do go.

What’s on the agenda for this week? Just start livin’, that’s the next thing on my list.

Like go for a walk, say a little prayer
Take a deep breath of mountain air
Put on my glove and play some catch
It's time that I make time for that
Wade the shore and cast a line
Look up a long lost friend of mine
Sit on the porch and give my girl a kiss
Start livin', that's the next thing on my list

Raise a little hell, laugh 'til it hurts
Put an extra five in the plate at church
Call up my folks just to chat
It's time that I make time for that
Stay up late, then oversleep
Show her what she means to me
Catch up on all the things I've always missed
Just start livin', that's the next thing on my list
(My List, Toby Keith)

deliver me

Reflecting on how the opposite of love is not hate but pride I am revisiting this litany of humility Bridgette introduced me to this a while ago while also remembering the prayer of one of my tridelt sisters "Lord, make me lower still"...

Litany of Humility
Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930)

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.
From the desire of being esteemed,
Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...

That others may be loved more than I,
Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world,
others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

wuv, true wuv

I just discovered www.desiringgod.org and am reading John Piper's sermons instead of doing my homework. I really like this one and made the parts bold that especially stood out to me. I sent this to my sister who is getting married in 6 months and Nancy who is getting married in 40 days.


What Love Does and Does Not Do
-----------------
By John Piper January 3, 2007

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Noël and I pondered and prayed over 1 Corinthians 13 on our 38th wedding anniversary. This is a tradition—to pick a portion of Scripture and pray our way through it on our anniversary. We turn it into thanks and praises and requests for ourselves and our family and the church and the world. Mainly, we focus on our own shortcomings with a view to improvement. We seek God’s grace and power to turn biblical truth into real life. So this time we focused on 1 Corinthians 13, especially verses 4-7.

What is Paul doing here? He says fifteen things about what love does and does not do. When you ponder the list, it is peculiar. If you come expecting a definition of love, it doesn’t work very well. Crucial things seem to be missing. Think about other places where the core of love is defined: John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lays down his life for his friends.” First John 4:10, “In this is love . . . that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.” Romans 5:8, “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” At the core of love is a self-sacrificing pursuit of the beloved’s greatest good. Love saves. Love rescues. Love helps. And it does so, if necessary, at cost to the lover.

But this core element of helping another person is not the stress in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. When you try to group the fifteen elements into categories, there are two big ones: 1) statements about how love is durable and doesn’t give up, and 2) statements about how love is not proud. Thirteen of the fifteen elements seem to fit into these two categories. Of the remaining two elements, one comes close to the proactive helpfulness (as opposed to reactive patience), namely, “love is kind.” The other stresses that love rejoices when truth holds sway. So here is one way to categorize what love does and does not do.

Enduring (not fragile)


 is patient (longsuffering)

 bears all things

 believes all things

 hopes all things

 endures all things


Humble (not proud)


 not envious (or jealous)

 not boastful (or proud)

 not arrogant (or puffed up)

 not rude (offending manners)

 not insist on its own way (seeks not its own)

 not irritable (not easily peeved)

 not resentful (not keep an account of wrongs)

 not rejoice at wrongdoing (not boast of licentious freedom)


Pro-kindness and truth


 kind

 rejoices with the truth (glad for the truth to advance)


What I conclude from this is that Paul is not trying to define love in the abstract. He is laying love as a grid over the messed up Corinthian church where he sees all these behaviors and says: Your attitudes and behaviors are not how love acts or feels. They were boasting in men (3:21). They were puffed up, even in wrongdoing (5:1-2). They were unwilling to suffer long and bear all things and so were taking each other to court (6:1-8). They were insisting on their own way in eating meat that caused others to stumble (8:11-12). They were acting in “rude” or unseemly ways not wearing the customary head-coverings (11:1-16). They were insisting on their own way as they ate their own meal at the Lord’s Supper without any regard to others (11:21-22). They were jealous and envious as they compared their spiritual gifts and thought that some where needed and others were not (12:21-22).

In other words, Paul is not defining love. He is applying love to the Corinthians’ situation and using it as the criterion for why some of their attitudes and behaviors are unacceptable.

But this is not less useful for us. Noël and I saw immediately how relevant these categories were for us. The first category (endurance) says that wherever there is love there is pain—love suffers long (makrothumei) . . . endures all things, bears all things.” This is realism and therefore comforting. If two people, or two thousand people, are in a relationship of love, all will be hurt. And all will need to “suffer long” and endure and bear. It struck us as amazing that this was so prominent in Paul’s treatment of love. So we prayed hard that we would be good lovers in this way (giving less and taking less offense).

Then even more penetrating is the major emphasis on pride. Is it not surprising that the opposite of love in 1 Corinthians 13 is not hate but pride. The main category of what love does not do is arrogance (boasting, seeking its own way). So we set ourselves to self-examination and prayer again: O Lord, reveal and destroy the pride in our lives.

And of course, even though they are in a small category, the other two elements of love are huge: Be kind, and be happy about the prevailing of truth. So that too is our prayer for our marriage.

We have set ourselves some new patterns of being in the word together as a couple in 2007 so that we can press on with this discipline. Pray for us and join us. We are eager to see what God has for our 39th year of “growing in the grace and knowledge of Christ” (2 Peter 3:18).

Pastor John

Homecoming weekend

After this weekend my wallet is empty but my heart is quite full. Wondering where my money went, I made a list of what it went toward this weekend and it was $120 well spent. These purchases tell the story of the weekend, Furman’s homecoming weekend.

25 – dinner Friday night (Lazy Goat)
40 – gas
7 – apples (small basket of apples)
2 – slushie (apple cider)
4 – socks (Halloween with ghosts)
7 – beer (Sam Adams Octoberfest)
5 – flowers (hot pink tipped roses)
10 – wine (cellar number 8)
9 – dinner Saturday night (Zaxbys)
5 – parking downtown Saturday night
6 – tiger (orange slushie drink)

I’d say the weekend officially began once I finished my Rhetoric test at 2:20. It was an essay test and he said he was going to pick between three questions – we wouldn’t know which one until we got to class – and we would write a 6 page essay about it incorporating what we’ve covered in class thus far. Finished the test, went back to do some laundry and clean before my guest arrived.

Clint arrived in time for dinner so we went downtown to a nice restaurant with my dear friends Ryan and Caroline. They introduced us to The Lazy Goat which had big windows with a view of the riverfront and had a fancy smancy atmosphere. Once the sun set the restaurant had soft lighting, partly from candles which I really liked. We ordered tapas, small portions of different things, and shared them. There was various dips (hummus and a cheesy creamy dip) with chabatta bread and pita bread and I got a creamy macaroni and cheese and Clint got a pizza that had a pita-like crust and sausage that had a kick to it and Ryan and Caroline ordered these corn lollipops – corn that had a creamy sauce on it. It was all very good and rich and tasty. I enjoyed being able to take Clint out to a nice restaurant. Whenever he comes in town I like to treat him to things as my way of showing I’m appreciative for the long drive he makes to come see me – it means the world to me that he has made the trip to see me three times already. He’s the best.

After dinner we walked around downtown to Falls Park, where there’s a man made river and water fall and suspension bridge and it is all just so pretty. It was a lovely night for a stroll – a cool, clear, pleasant night. It was also “Fall for Greenville” so there were food vendors and live music and we heard Billy Currington, a country artist, and danced to his hit “why why why do you wanna change me now.” Caroline and I danced; the boys humored us and laughed at their silly girls. They also went with us to Pink Azalea – one of my favorite stores in Greenville – that has pink and polka dots and bright colors galore.

We then went to the Furman homecoming carnival and rode the Ferris wheel and the Flying Dragon, a ride that I can’t really describe without using my hands come to think of it but it goes forwards then backwards and you get higher I don’t know but I liked it and didn’t get too dizzy. We then looked at the Homecoming floats and visited with friends and alumni. Clint was a trooper and wasn’t overwhelmed by all the people, but we didn’t hang out for hours and hours but instead went to Krispy Kreme with Ryan and Caroline because the funnel cake line was long and slow and feasted on chocolate glazed crullers and festive Halloween pieces.

The next day I woke up early and went to the Tridelt alumni brunch then took Clint APPLE PICKING in North Carolina. I have wanted to go apple picking ever since I came to Furman and have never been and I was so glad we got to go and it was as great as I hoped it would be! My family used to go to a pumpkin patch when I was little as a family tradition and there were so many little families out and about in the orchard – I’m thinking apple picking would be a family tradition I’d want to implement if there’s orchards remotely close to where I live. It was a great date with Clinto because it was outside and the sun came out but it was still cool – fall was in the air – and there were apples that we ate and sampled as we picked – one of his favorite foods – and we took some silly pictures and just took our time and breathed easy and enjoyed being young and alive. This will go down as one of my favorite memories at Furman, quite possibly one of my favorite memories ever.

After apple picking we took him to get a shirt for the dance at TJ Maxx and I got some Halloween socks – two smiling ghosts, one with a bow because it’s a girl ghost, black and orange of course. Then we got some Octoberfest seasonal beer he has been anticipating for “an entire year” haha and I got some wine. Holding true to my resolution never to waste my money on cheap terrible wine again I got a cab for $14 – Cellar No. 8 – on sale for $10 and it was delightful – fruity but not that sweet, no real distinct or overwhelming flavors. I’m starting to really like red wine. I also found my favorite flower in the whole world at the grocery store – white roses with hot pink tips – so I got them and have glanced over at them often during the course of this reflection time. My guest wanted chicken so Zaxbys was our Saturday night meal. We got ready for the dance – I could hear Clint playing Christmas music while I was doing my hair. Christmas is his favorite holiday. He went back early to help his mom unload Christmas decorations at her store today so I suppose one can start getting excited about Christmas mid-October. We could not find the dance. I do not like driving especially when I have to navigate to obscure places and it’s dark. I followed the directions down to the second to last street but could not find the final turn. So we didn’t go. We went downtown instead to meet up with our friends and the alumni we knew were going to be at City Tavern, a Furman gathering spot. The signature drink of City Tavern is a “tiger in your tank” named after the Clemson Tigers (Clemson’s not too far away from Greenville) so I introduced Clint to that and introduced him to more alumni. The alumni were in good spirits, glad to back but enjoying their lives beyond the bubble. We talked with friends and sat in a booth and it was nice to be out on the town with my friends and my fellow. I am excited for what lies ahead and know I will stay in contact with the people who matter so goodbye will be more like see you later.

All in all, a wonderful weekend. I love October. I love spending time with friends and time with Clint and when the two combine.

God is the ultimate "ruler"

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

(Coldplay, Fix You)

I didn’t do as well as I had hoped on a test and was really upset and passed one of my best friends Travis on the way back to my apartment. He could tell I was upset and gave me hug, just held me close and let me be the first to let go (the secret behind any wonderful hug – let the person you’re hugging be the first to let go, wait for them to be ready instead of just assuming…there are such healing powers to good hugs). He sent me an email to check on me and I wrote him back explaining:

The "straw that broke the camels back" had landed right before you saw me and I feel very broken which is not always a bad thing because you grow, it just hurts.

I had taken a test right before fall break in my communication law class - thought I knew it so well, it was over 30 cases in communication law. I got bad grade on the test because on the final essay question, which accounted for almost half the points on the test, he only really wanted us to reference 1 case but since it was worth so much so I pulled in other cases since I knew them, and it had been a frustrating test anyway - one where it didn't feel like I could fairly show what I knew, like, I knew much more than it actually asked for, and so my answer was marked really low making my whole test grade low. I thought I understood. So I started crying right there in his office and he explained what the answer should have been and it was just really stupid and I failed to read his mind, my bad, and now I will have to spend the whole rest of the term trying to raise my grade which is so frustrating. I just cannot afford to have it lower my GPA because my GPA is what I am banking on for law school applications since I know my LSAT score will be low bc no matter how much I studied my score stayed very very very average. I'm just so tired of my best not being good enough, trying my best and not succeeding.

And, this weekend, Clint IS coming in town -- I didn't think he would be and I had accepted that and prepared myself for that and was stressed about this weekend, stressed about having to be in mixed company (with the ex), stressed that I don't feel like I have a place among pi kapps anymore when the ex is around or just in general, because it just feels like those guys weren't real friends and don't even care I haven't been around much this year. I know it shouldn’t bother me – b/c I need to let go of what doesn’t matter and focus on what and who really do matter - but it has a lot.

So Clint and I will be around definitely at the carnival and the dance and then I don't know. I guess people will call me and let me know what’s going on when they know but I just want to be with my best friends as much as possible and just am not sure where those people will be this weekend and wish I did, I like definite plans and know when I am with my real friends Clint will be welcome too. I know with my time coming to an end at Furman I want to spend my time with the people I care about, and you are one of those people but I think today I am just tired of doing poorly on tests after working my tail off and am tired of being away from Clint and tired of superficial friendships and am tired of all this stress about the future.

He then wrote me back these amazing, comforting, reassuring words that I have read over and over again:

Don't worry, Allison! You're so talented. You're best may not seem enough, but it is. God knows it is. I am feeling that this situation is calling for a reminder of words that came from your own mouth: God is with us and knows the plan; we have to let these sorts of things go with God's flow. Obviously, you can't just give up hoping God will take care of it. And I know you know that because you said so yourself - you've tried your best. You're preoccupation, however, is that you are not succeeding. But, my dearest Allison, success has no standard measurement. God is the ultimate "ruler". God sees you as a success - not someone who has succeeded but as a success herself. Pray about this. I know God will speak to you on this. You've heard this before. We've discussed this before. We just forget in these sadder and more frustrating moments.

My friend Jenni likes the quote, “when someone’s upset don’t ask what you can do, think of something appropriate and do it.” I love that. Travis definitely did that, and so did Jenni (she emailed me too!).

The night before the LSAT when I was stressed I told Clint I just wanted to hold Lucy for a little while and be held by him. In the lonelier, more frustrating moments I remember this mesmerizing song by Suzanne Vega that Jessie gave me and even if I can’t physically curl up to feel comforted, my heart feels better imagining myself safely nestled in my Father’s arms, in the shadow of his wing – God as my refuge, shelter, hiding place in time of trouble. That’s what I need Him to be for me today and that is what he is and continues to provide for me.

You come from far away
With pictures in your eyes
Of coffee shops and morning streets
In the blue and silent sunrise
But night is the cathedral
Where we recognized the sign
We strangers know each other now
As part of the whole design

Oh, hold me like a baby
That will not fall asleep
Curl me up inside you
And let me hear you through the heat
(Suzanne Vega, Gypsy)

rain, vanilla chai, love, & greyhounds

It is raining and chilly outside. I was going to go to class but I hadn’t allowed enough time to get ready so I would be rushing. I would rush to class in the rain then rush back here to try to finish my homework for my 1:30 class. Instead of rushing, instead of hurrying and stressing, I am going to stay here. Stay. Be still. Reflect. Read. A much better way to begin the day. I wouldn’t contribute anything to class anyway if I was a grump which, if I had to rush, I most likely would have been.

I’m listening to Chris Rice’s piano versions of hymns. This music, this particular song, sounds like rain. Lord of all to thee we raise, this our hymn of grateful praise. I know this song. We sing it in my church. It’s a hymn of thanksgiving –

For thyself, best Gift Divine,
to the world so freely given,
for that great, great love of thine,
peace on earth, and joy in heaven:
Lord of all, to thee we raise
this our hymn of grateful praise.

Thanksgiving is less than two months away! YES! That’s the next time I’ll be home. Family will be in town. I’m hoping to get to spend some time with Clint’s big family as well. Hopefully I will be able to run the Blvd. Bolt. My foot has been hurting so I haven’t been able to run or even walk for exercise. I have to walk to class, but no 5k course for me. This past weekend went by too fast. I look forward to being back with my family again.

Yesterday was a delicious day.

I went to the graduate school fair. I wore my pink suit. Jessie was so kind to take me to print off my resume on nice paper in her office before my class. I had a nice cream marble paper and talking points for the schools I’m most interested in – UT College of Law, Stetson University College of Law (Tampa, FL), Cumberland School of Law (Birmingham, AL), and Mercer University Law (Macon, GA). I was prepared, I felt confident and composed, and talked with representatives from these four law schools for an hour. I gave them my resume and they were very encouraging and eager to speak with me and answer my questions. Some of these schools have rolling admission so I could know their decision by early spring, the UT rep said I could know as early as February. Next week I am going to contact Mayor Dean and the mediator lawyer for recs and start working on my personal statement and try to get the applications in soon. The graduate school fair got me very very excited about “the next step” – life beyond the Furman bubble. I keep thinking about the line from “Unwritten” – reaching for something in the distance, so close you can almost taste it, release your inhibitions feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you only you can let it in… ah, so close I can almost taste it. I want it so bad. I explained my sub par standardized test taking ability and the admissions reps seemed to think that shouldn’t be a deal breaker for my applications as long as I explain how I have done well academically even though my SAT/ACT scores were low (so they weren’t a fair indicator of my success) and relate that to the LSAT… I won’t know my score for 3 weeks and after the graduate school fair it doesn’t seem like the outcome will make or break my future as much as I thought (of course it won’t make or break my future – lol – how overly dramatic is that statement, pleeaaase).

After the graduate school fair I went to work in the media relations office and drafted some press releases and there wasn’t anything for me to work on so I found the wikihow article on how to maintain a positive long distance relationship. I had been sad about it. I didn’t know when I would see Clint again. He was going to come in town this weekend because it is his fall break but his grandparents who he hasn’t seen in a while are coming to visit his family so he needs to see them and I understand that. It was homecoming weekend at Furman so I wanted to take him to the homecoming carnival and homecoming dance and apple picking in NC but family is very important and Clint has already been here twice and gas is expensive. He spends so much of his money on gas to come see me that he doesn’t put as much as he should towards groceries and it concerns me. The other day he was eating Halloween oreos for dinner I think it was, and had like one bag of pasta in his cupboard when I visited him. And that is why I was sad, because he cannot afford to come see me this month so it will be 3 ½ weeks until I see him again. This weekend I would have really like to have him with me. I miss not having my buddy. It’s easier to have that one person you can call and count on to be with you and when he’s not here, sure, it allows plenty of time with my other friends, which is wonderful. I was also nervous knowing my ex would be around and would feel more confident having Clint beside me instead of being solo on the off chance we ran into him. I went to CB’s wedding solo, I can do homecoming weekend solo. The wedding was almost 4 months ago surely no harsh words will be spewed my way this weekend, enough time has passed I hope. Breaking up with him was the best thing I could do for him and he will thank me one day. My dear friends Tyner, Ally, and Susan will be in town this weekend and I am so excited to see them.

After work I met Leanna for coffee. She ordered a vanilla chai latte and I didn’t know what to get so I ordered the same thing and she bought it for me which was sweet. Leanna is like a vanilla chai latte – sweet, warm, soothing, gentle, refreshing, delightful. She is well. She is in a healthy relationship, she is resting and appreciating the time she has to herself, she is growing and wrestling with her issues and letting go of what doesn’t matter and pursuing that which does fulfill her. She is letting go of her desire to please everyone and spread herself too thin. I’m not worried about her. Though she worries about what she’ll end up doing, I know she’ll be ok. It’s hard to see that when the future has so many uncertainties but in her center I know she is in a good place. I love her. I believe in her.

She brought up something I hadn’t thought about – I hadn’t considered if me pursuing my dreams made Clint feel inferior or insignificant. He’s always been so supportive, but in choosing to be with me, go where I go, would he feel fulfilled, would he resent the sacrifice he’d have to make? I asked him last night and he said he wouldn’t, that he supports me and wants me to follow my dreams, but he was also quiet and needed some time to think, and I don’t know if he needed to think about that or something else that happened…this guy I’m friends with texts me sometimes and last night texted me to come visit him and said that next time we’re in town together I should “bring my hot self” and some friends and we could all go out. I told Clint. Yes, it is inappropriate for him to say those things to me. I have a boyfriend – no, I cannot come visit you at college, mister. I have a boyfriend – no, I cannot go to a Marine Corps Ball, marine friend of mine. Please respect that. In my Scarlett O’Hara days I would be oh so flattered by these advances but now they just make me feel – hmm I’m not sure – but not good. I am serious about my relationship with Clint and am not so easily swayed, and them saying those things makes me think perhaps that’s what they think, but there is absolutely no allure in going behind Clint’s back, pursuing other options, and I am not nor will I do that. No no no. I would break up with him before I would be unfaithful in any way, even with words so I will not entertain the advances of other dudes. Perhaps someone needs reminding I am not single and it’s simple as that.

Anywho, now “Rose” by James Horner from the Titanic weekend is playing which takes me back to this weekend. Clint, Hailey, and I watched a bit of Titanic and Jay, Clint, and I played the Titanic board game – there is such a thing! But we were stuck in second and third class and even jail and were having trouble finding our way to the life boats. Clint and his family were so good to me this weekend. They took me out to dinner Friday night before the LSAT for some Mongolian stir fry and signed a card for me and gave me a plaque that said “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase” by Martin Luther King Jr.

How was the LSAT? I did my best, and it is over is what I keep saying. I did not pray for a certain score because God is not a genie granting my wish, but I did pray he would be with me, and the assurance of his presence would comfort me and give me strength and HE WAS WITH ME. He was faithful and I felt peaceful the entire test. I felt lifted up in prayer. I felt calm. The assurance of his presence was my comfort. The test was hard and long and afterwards I was mentally spent. When I got in my car I listened to Jimmy Needham’s “Dearly Loved” – do you know that you are dearly loved? and let the truth settle on my bones that no matter how I did, God’s love for me does not hinge on well I can perform, how good I can be. He sees the depths of my heart and he loves me the same. And I am so grateful for this truth especially in a place where I am not performing well, I do not feel good about what I can do or who I am, because that is when I need and long for this unconditional love the most. And I get mad at myself because my love is so fickle compared to the love He has given and shown me. I love people more if they are good to me and have trouble loving them despite their faults even though that is what He has shown me in abundance, loved me despite my weakness, despite my ugliness. Forgive me God, for my weak, half-hearted attempts at loving. Jars of Clay sings, “I’m a fair weathered friend, I’m a colorless view, I’m willing to make a deal. If you think you can make some faith here inside I’ll drive off and marry you. I'm only alive with you I can't get by and I won't get through so put me in the river and let me say I do I'm only alive with you.”

“This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins” (1 John 4:10)

I’m only alive with you. The sermon Sunday touched on this. The pastor mentioned a greyhound. He was talking to a retired greyhound one day who looked like the essence of contentment, resting and at peace, so the pastor asked the dog why he wasn’t racing anymore. The greyhound said he quit. He was one of the best, very skilled and talented, but he realized one day that he wasn’t chasing a real rabbit – it was a fake. He realized what he was chasing wasn’t even real.

That really hit me hard. What am I chasing, what have I chased that isn’t even real? That question challenges me to let the lesser things fall away and not have such a hold in my life. So much of what we assign so much importance to really just doesn’t matter. God’s truth is real. God and God’s word is real. “Every good and perfect gift is from above coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). I do not want to chase what is not even real, what won’t last. The world tells us we are defined by our stuff and when we fall into that trap it takes our life away. I’m only alive with You. Satan prompts us to give importance to what is not important.

"Turn my heart towards your statues and not toward selfish gain. Turn my eyes away from worthless things” (PS. 119:36-37)

Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in his wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of his glory and grace. Those words are so powerful, but so commonly used that they loose their impact if I’m not careful. On Sunday I let them settle afresh on my heart, let them draw me close to the glory of God that makes every other desire seem dim by comparison – this world is empty, pale, and poor compared to knowing you my Lord – lead me on and I will run after you (“pure and holy passion”).

Like the greyhound, I will run after You because You are real, and I will quit chasing things that are not even real. Help me in this dear Lord.