remembering

I was having a senior moment and started going through some pictures. I made an album of my favorite pictures from freshman and sophomore year. Pictures of my life. Furman memories. Memories with friends.

"So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be." -- Perks of Being a Wallflower

I remembered this quote because the pictures made me both really happy and really sad. I had forgotten some of the pictures and laughed out loud when I saw them; others were bittersweet, remembering friendships that were stronger during this time.

I remember the moments captured in the pictures so well but at the same time I feel so far removed from them, like they were so long ago.

It's a really strange feeling.

I think I'm going to listen to the rain and look through them one more time.

confidence, rest, prayer

The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Therefore my heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song (Psalm 28:7)

The Lord is my strength.
The Lord is my shield.
My heart trusted in him.
He helped me.
Because he helped me, my heart leaps with a great joy and gladness and delight.
I will praise him because he helped me, because he gave me this joy, because he gave me this strength, because he gave me this shield.
Not because of what I’ve done, but because of who he is. He is so good, and so good to his children.

How great is the love the Father has lavished on us that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! (1 John 3:10)

The Lord has been good to me.

You are good to my heart. It looks to you for rest and you satisfy. You provide strength to this weary heart that withers without you. You provide a shield from all that threatens me, tempts me, tries to make me come undone, you provide. You provide the cross as a refuge. You provide a way. You provide a sacrifice do I don’t have to suffer. I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross. Thank you for the cross my friend.

May the response of my heart be gratitude and graciousness. Gratitude – thankfulness for all you’ve given me; graciousness – an eagerness, a willingness to share with others.

You know my heart, you know I am anxious about this test. My grandma sent me an email that said, “if you worried you didn’t pray, if you prayed, don’t worry.” I have been lifted up to you in prayer and am coming to you in prayer again that your will would be done. Grant me your peace that transcends all understanding. I pray you would teach me through this time, grant me wisdom and guidance and that I would know you better as a result of this trial, and that I would lean on you, depend on you, not myself, and that I would trust you to guide me, trust that you are growing spiritual disciplines in me that may not have developed otherwise so I do not toil in vain.

Come walk with me from life’s noisy discords and peace will breathe like music in your breast, this is what you promise to those who come to you, who trust in you. Breath of Heaven, keep me together, be forever near me.

Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. Then this is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts and he knows everything (1 John 3:18-20)

How do we overcome? By setting our hearts on God’s love. Whenever our hearts are spinning, you will put them to rest in your presence.

We have confidence before God and receive from him anything we ask…this is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him! (1 John 3:21-22, 5:14-15)

My bible footnotes say: the emphasis here is on God’s will, not our will. When we communicate with God, we don’t demand what we want; we discuss with him what he wants for us. If we align our prayers to his will, he will listen and we can be certain that if he listens he will give us a definite answer. Start praying with confidence!

to keep in mind this week:

Add a mantra or two to your breathing and visualization strategies to complete your anxiety-fighting arsenal.
Think:

I have worked hard, and I'm prepared.

I deserve to do well, and I will.

I'm going to beat this test and make it beg for mercy.


Finally, fundamentally, the LSAT is a mental test. Those who do well work calmly and confidently. How do you do that?

Relax, dammit! Using your time most effectively means giving your brain a rest during sections sometimes. Take the time to envision yourself in a calming place when you feel a section slipping away.

Be positive. You're prepared. Go in and do your best.

Want some cheese to go with that w(h)ine?

Little jab, play on words. Now that I am of age to legally purchase and consume wine, I have kept a list of the wines I have tried so I know which ones I like and which ones I abhor. This list is several months in the making and it will be several months until it can be updated again...

Ah, yes, a post dedicated exclusively to wine and cheese. Mmmmmmmmmm.

Ah, I wish I wasn't a poor college kid so I could eat good food more often. Relying on the dining hall and my budget just doesn't cut it. Looking forward to momma's home cookin' this weekend.

Winners:

Biltmore Estate Chardonnay Sur Lies (“the aging process lends the freshness of fruit with a hint of pear to this pleasant, medium-bodied chardonnay sur lies”). Maybe the best chardonnay I’ve had yet.

Estancia, Cabernet Sauvignon, 2006, Paso Robles (“Estancia Cabernet Sauvignon displays dense black currant, lush chocolate and dark cherry flavors followed by a long, supple finish”). Bridgette introduced me to red wine. YUM. Paired it with Dove dark chocolate, quite a treat.

Proshyan, Pomegranate semisweet, Armenia. Wine made from POMEGRANATES. True story. Amazing.

Toasted Head Chardonnay - had it at CB's wedding reception and the night I went on the Haunted Tavern Tour with Bridgette, Corey, & Clint.

Gnarly Head - merlot. Chocolate, mint. Also paired well with chocolate.

* I’m looking forward to trying Leese Fitch Chardonnay – a “chardonnay with hints of toasted marshmallow, creamy vanilla, and lemon lime soda” – that roommate tasted out on the town and it sounds like perfection in a bottle. We shall see.

Losers:

Beach dogs Chardonnay. BIG loser. One liter of wine for $10. NEVER again. DISGUSTING. It even smelled terrible. Roommates may be able to use it for cooking. UGH. The cute dog on the label was definitely deceptive. Shame on you Beach dogs, shame, shame, shame. Couldn’t even find it when I googled it. From now on, I am not going to open a bottle of wine if I can’t even find a review online.

And now the cheese:

Winners:

One of my favorite meals ever: Chicora Alley chicken burrito. Plantains, Spinach, Guacamole, Roasted Red Peppers, Queso & Colby Jack Cheese. Queso and Colby jack – amazing combo.

Tomatoes and marinated mozzarella slices. Had it on my 22nd birthday. Deeeelicious.

Sloppy joes & pepper jack cheese on a pita. Clint’s dad made it for us 4th of July as a midnight snack. Though the sandwich itself was already amazing, the cheese gave it an extra kick.

Bree and crackers!!!

Losers:

Not a fan of Swiss cheese, but I don’t know if that makes it a loser…hmm…

Wow. That post was so much more fun than studying for the LSAT.

Good news

So my buddy Karrah Leary is studying abroad and has been sending out mass emails but also sent me a little personalized email asking how things were going. If you ask, I will tell. I don’t know if it’s obvious or not, but I kind of like to write, it’s kinda my preferred manner of communication if I can’t be face to face, especially when it comes to keeping in touch with people...

I included the email I sent to her below because it is a good summary of how I’ve been doing and what I’ve been doing. I won’t include her response for the sake of her privacy, but she wrote me back already!! Karrah is interested in law school too AND she is interested in UT College of Law! It would be so unbelievably amazing if we both ended up there – oh the thought makes me so happy I can’t even handle it! We met through BCM and became good friends through rush freshman year and kept in touch but became involved in different sororities and clubs at Furman and just didn’t see each other as much, but I still think she is so amazing. She’s a very warm, very genuine lady who doesn’t know how gorgeous she is. I’ve always felt a connection with her because she’s spunky and silly but also very grounded in her faith, and her faith shines in how caring she is. Oh, sweet Karrah! She gave me some good advice and encouragement as far as the LSAT is concerned, and said she had the same experience I had where studying so much gets to the point where it is counterproductive so the trick is to try to relax. Exaaactly. So, taking her advice I am taking a break from my LSAT studying. I’m going to do it off and on for a few more hours tonight and then call the boy who will be here this time tomorrow!!!



Dearest Karrah,
Thank you for keeping me updated about your adventures abroad! What have you enjoyed the most? What a wonderful way to spend the fall of senior year -- traveling around Europe :-)
Senior year is nuts! It's a blast! The work load is plentiful (a positive way to say unending), the weather is chilly (mid 60s for sept., say whaaaat), the roommates are INCREDIBLE, tridelt is fabulous, my new boyfriend (Clint Wickles - from my hometown) treats me better than i have ever been treated by a man and i am just crazy 'bout him, and life is good.
Someone asked me what I'm most looking forward to this year and I must say my sister's wedding, April 18. She has booked a band and I'm ready to boogey! And, my tridelt big, Nancy Demetree's wedding is in less than 2 months in Orlando. When did we get so old!
I'll return home to Nashville next Friday because it's fall break to take the LSAT (can you send up some prayers on my behalf?) that saturday, oct. 4. It will be nice to take it, get it over with. I've been preparing with an online practice course and am hoping for the best. didn't you take it in june? i know i talked to you briefly about my interest in law when asking you about your D.C. experience, but yes we seriously need to talk...the easiest way to fill you in on this, here's what i'm going to do - i'm going to attach the cover letter i gave my advisor when asking him to write me a rec for law school, that will explain it better than i can in a email -- but i want to hear YOUR side. how did you crack the LSAT? what law schools are you looking at? you're a tennessee girl like me, are you going to try to stay in state or no (i think i would cry tears of joy if you said UT college of law - it would be so nice to have a buddy, and not just any buddy, Y-O-U!).
As I already mentioned briefly, I met with both my academic advisors yesterday ( Dr. Shackelford from English, and Dr. Delancey from Comm. Studies) and they agreed to write me recommendations for law school, so I am really and truly applying & so excited about it!! The week after fall break is the graduate school fair so I can meet admissions counselors from southern law schools (including ut college of law which is my top choice right now). Larry Hudson, career counselor, in Furman's office of career services told me furman is known for its academic rigor, particularly in the south, and that will help me in the application process even if my LSAT scores are sub par.
So this Furman senior is having fun but proactively pursuing her future beyond the bubble. We have our first function this weekend and so Clint will be coming in town :-). There's no theme, it's just a dance, but the deltas said we would have a big costume party in the winter instead. It's pretty chilly in Furman land -- I guess it is fall, but the cold weather seems to have arrived earlier than normal. However, I am resolved to wear my dresses and skirts for as long as possible!!!
How are things will Michael? I'm in a long distance relationship so I know it can be tricky - do y'all get to talk much during your travels?
Keep me updated! God Bless You! I've missed you!
Allison

Thanks Teeeej

My friend T.J. sent out this prayer in an email tonight. I really like it. Thanks Teeeej. :)

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone."
-- Tom Merton

lucky charms

Ok. Got enough coffee and chocolate in the system to go for a while. It's 3:45, I'm back in the apt, and have enough work to keep me here for the entire night. There's nowhere I need to be tonight, no meetings, no job - just work. This morning I felt a big weight on my heart, feeling I would never find the time able to do all I need to do, feeling I had not the energy nor inclination. Chocolate (york peppermint patties), coffee (marshmallow mocha), a talk with my momma, & bumping into my friend from freshman year Cara all combined to make me feel calmer, ready to tackle my projects for the night...oh yeah, and I only have homework in one of my two classes tomorrow because we had a test last class and didn't finish the briefs assigned last Tuesday, that also helped restore more confidence that I could get it all done.

What Cara and I talked about really rings true for days like today. We talked about in the Lord's Prayer - give us this day our daily bread. And, in Matthew 6:34, "don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Questions of what do I need to do today, what do I need to make it through this day. There's only so much I can do today, only so much time in a day.

I balance four classes, LSAT prep which is a class in itself, a job in the media relations office, a sorority, a copy editing position for the school newspaper. And I have friends, a fella, and I like to run and walk and read my Bible and blog too. If I didn't have all this work to do I could think of many things I'd like to do to fill my time (I was thinking earlier, well, if I didn't have work what would I be doing anyway? as if there wouldn't be anything else to do so I might as well do work...but that train of thought didn't take me very far). Which makes me think of what my sister once told me.

She's a psych major and said there's some theory where 20% of our life is the really good stuff, the really enriching incredible experiences, and the other 80% is the stuff you just have to do. But that's where people get all depressed and jaded and disappointed with their lives because they think it should be all butterflies and sunshine all day everyday and that's just not reality. Which makes me think of Lucky Charms, the cereal. You cannot have a cereal made of all marshmallows - you just can't. The sweetness & color & fun (the marshmallows) are instead mixed in with those boring brown pieces that must have some bit of nutritional value. I guess that's a bit like life. Life is like a bowl of lucky charms. And right now I am going to have a few days of boring brown pieces so hopefully my weekend will be a marshmallow-ish weekend when my visitor comes. And even on the boring-brown-pieces type of days (like today) there are still handfuls of marshmallows throughout (there's still that 20% of sweetness...it's not 100% boring and brown...). Sweeeeet (uh, no pun intended).

One of those marshmallow pieces was talking to my mom. Hadn't talked to her in a while. How are parents so good at encouragement when their baby ducks need it most? I explained to her how things are going, how I've been studying for the LSAT and am preparing to contact the people I am asking to write my recs. She had a way of assuring me that she believes I am prepared, motivated, purposeful, and law school is something within my reach. I can do it! Definitely a marshmallow moment.

in repentance & rest, quietness & trust

Picture: Cross my grandfather made on my family's farm last winter

In repentance and rest is your salvation; in quietness and trust is your strength - Isaiah 30:15

How different this Sunday has been from last Sunday. Last Sunday I woke up at 8, took a full length practice LSAT beginning at 9. Today I woke up at 7:15, spent some time with Jesus, went to church and brunch with Allison, and took the test. Today my score on the LSAT practice test IMPROVED by almost TEN POINTS. Sure, that doesn’t seal the deal on how I will do Oct. 4, but it just affirms what I’ve been learning this week about balance. Being so consumed and obsessed with the test threw the balance off so much that it was counterproductive.

I have a little plaque in the shape of a star on my desk that says: DON’T QUIT. Then, in smaller font is this poem:

When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill
When you’re feeling low and the stress is high
And you want to smile but you have to sigh
When worries are getting you down a bit
By all means pray and don’t you quit
Success is failure turned inside out
God’s hidden gift in the clouds of doubt
You never can tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
So trust in the Lord when hardest hit
It’s when things go wrong that you must not quit

Such sweet little truths in such simple monosyllabic rhymes! So trust in the Lord when hardest hit…when worries are getting you down a bit…by all means pray and don’t you quit.

That was just the little boost I needed entering the final 2 week stretch. Thank You.

But more fabulous than that little victory was the message in church this morning.

God’s promise to us ----

I have seen his ways, but I will heal him; I will guide him and restore comfort to him, creating praise on the lips of the mourners in Israel. Peace, peace to those far and near says the Lord. And I will heal them. Isaiah 57:18-19

The sermon was about repentance. As is the case every week, people in the congregation to pray out loud. Ones that I took to heart or prayed silently:

Grant strength to turn away from my idols and go towards You, and You alone, for comfort. Forgive me for whining more than I pray. For harboring resentment, my sense of entitlement & discontent despite all You’ve given me, for pride, for envy, jealousy, rejecting Your offering of love to me.

Pastor Tim mentioned how Jesus had to be crucified for our very best efforts at being good, that He really does know what we’ve done, sees that what we do is so often done with the motivation of bringing praise to ourselves (makes me think of a line from Wicked, “was I really seeking good or just seeking attention?”). Forgive me for this, Father. Redirect my heart from trying to seek my own glory to seek Your glory, to seek You.

Repentance is no fun at all. It is something much harder than eating humble pie. It means unlearning all the self-conceit and self-will that we have been training ourselves in for thousands of years – C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

Lord, guide me in this “unlearning” of self-conceit and self-will. Confession – my selfishness is disgusting, that is no news to You. There is nothing I can do to get better, to heal myself from this. I need You to heal me from this, to enter in and show me a better way. My efforts are not good enough. I am motivated by trying to get what I want and it is not working for me (that’s what Dr. Phil often says, “and how’s that working for you?” um, it’s not. I need Jesus.)

I will expose your righteousness and your works and they will not benefit you – Isaiah 57:12

Pastor Tim says repentance is realizing what you thought was the right way is not the right way, and going to God with nothing to offer but your sin, saying, I was wrong. But you have to mean it. This is serious stuff. No flimsy, half-ass prayers will do here. He talked about how convicting God’s Word is, that we must let it cut to the heart and convict us: Carrie Underwood had it right, “I can’t do this on my own, so I’m letting go…save me from this road I’m on.”

But it doesn’t end there. The cross, Jesus’ blood and love – the very thought that convicts us is the very thought that COMFORTS us. We are utterly sinful AND, at the same time, have a God that loves us beyond our wildest dreams, who offers us freedom from trying to be good enough, freedom from the fear of failing. There’s nothing I can add to what He has given on my behalf. What I need: repent of my attempts to save myself and humbly embrace the love of God.

Then sings my soul, My Saviour God, to Thee,
How great Thou art, How great Thou art.

abundant

Picture: Sunset at my family's farm 2 summers ago

My Bible footnotes say: submit to unpleasant circumstances…it requires tremendous strength. We could not do it without the power of the Holy Spirit working in us.

The weight/wait will make my heart grow stronger, it’s true. This trial will help me have more discipline, strength, patience, courage – that I see, so it is not in vain. I shall not resist the fire, the trial. You grant me plenteous rest & grace & peace & strength, what You give me is bigger than the fire, bigger than my fear, this I can trust, this I keep revisiting because it is true.

Now I know how bad I want this. I’m willing to wait for it, work for it, fight for it. I’ll stand this trial today and trust that it will not confound me because that is what You promise me.

Thank you Lord for this time to prepare for what lies ahead this week. There is so much benefit, much strength to be found in the stillness & rest & quiet of the early morning – there’s got to be, or everything else looses its balance, this I know, this I’ve seen by the fine example that Son of Yours set...

I thank You for the friends I have in Bridgette and Clint. I thank You for the joy and encouragement they bring to my life. I thank You that I have friends, and deep friendships at that. I don’t need 20 best friends; I have great friends, You have given me plenty, and You have given me abundantly through the friendships You’ve given me. That’s the main point – You have given me abundantly. Sentence is structured so I am the passive recipient of the gift and You are the active giver. Because You are the active giver. Thank You. Test me in this, You say, and see if I do not pour out so much blessing you don’t have enough room for it. I cannot even hold or grasp all You have to give.

The image that comes to mind this morning of what You give to me is someone saved from drowning. You breathe life back into me, make my heart beat again, after the world has left me for dead. “Weak and wounded sinner, lost and left to die, raise your head for love is passing by. Come to Jesus. Come to Jesus. Come to Jesus, and live.” (Chris Rice)

Thank You for the trials – help me not to resent them as teachers and let them draw me closer to You. No matter what the day or night shall bring You let Your light shine on me and for this I am so thankful!

"I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10

This is my Father's world,
and to my listening ears
all nature sings, and round me rings
the music of the spheres.
This is my Father's world:
I rest me in the thought
of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
his hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father's world,
the birds their carols raise,
the morning light, the lily white,
declare their maker's praise.
This is my Father's world:
he shines in all that's fair;
in the rustling grass I hear him pass;
he speaks to me everywhere.

This is my Father's world.
O let me ne'er forget
that though the wrong seems oft so strong,
God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father's world:
why should my heart be sad?
The Lord is King; let the heavens ring!
God reigns; let the earth be glad!

if you can make a promise

The Promise - Tracy Chapman

If you wait for me then I'll come for you
Although I've traveled far
I always hold a place for you in my heart
If you think of me, if you miss me once in awhile
Then I'll return to you
I'll return and fill that space in your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
If you dream of me like I dream of you
In a place thats warm and dark
In a place where I can feel the beating of your heart

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
Ive longed for you and I have desired
To see your face your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
Ill find my way back to you
If you'll be waiting
Ive longed for you and I have desired
To see your face, your smile
To be with you wherever you are

Remembering
Your touch
Your kiss
Your warm embrace
I'll find my way back to you
Please say you'll be waiting

Together again
It would feel so good to be
In your arms
Where all my journeys end
If you can make a promise if its one that you can keep, I vow to come for you
If you wait for me and say you'll hold
A place for me in your heart

thoughts from the stillness

Now listen, you who say today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money. Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, if it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that. James 4:13-15

I wrote in my Bible (don’t know when, don’t know what it’s from): Worry = arrogance/a refusal to assume a humble position b4 God; instead, we should say – I don’t worry because I don’t know what will happen, I put myself in your care

The Bible notes to this verse say: it is good to have goals, but goals will disappoint us if we leave God out of them. There is no point in making plans as if God does not exist because the future IS in his hands…how will you react if God steps in and rearranges your plans? Plan ahead, but hold your plans loosely…put God’s desires at the center of your planning; he will never disappoint you…Live for God today! Then, no matter when your life ends, you will have fulfilled God’s plan for you.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Brita reminded me of this prayer today at lunch.

Tranquility, calmness, peacefulness, quietude, quietness, stillness, composure – these words come up as synonyms for serenity when I right click the term.

I used to think of serenity as resignation – well, if I can’t get what I want, let me know I’ll be ok kind of mindset. But it is so much more than that. It’s peace. It’s a stillness, it’s beseeching God to enter the inner chamber of my heart and grant a sense of quiet, a sense of calmness, that only He can give. He says, “I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled, and do not be afraid.” Yes, the world does not offer a peace like this. Not even close. Be still, he tells us, be still.

He can be found in the stillness I’m reminded as it’s close to midnight and all I can hear is the gentle hum of my laptop and the faint chirp of crickets. My worried mind You quiet. You are with me even now, even here. I won’t have another Friday to be still like this for another month and it is sweet. I am not lonely. I am not wishing I could be anywhere else. I like my pink bed, being perched on the pillows, my room, my space. And I really like this quiet. This is not a typical Friday. I’ve finished and reviewed two sections for the LSAT. Need I review more tonight? I’m on track according to my schedule. I have all day tomorrow. I’m scoring slightly under my “goal” score. My friend informed me today that she scored really well on some practice tests so she’s not worried about it, she’s not concerned about it. I haven’t scored well; I am concerned. It was exciting looking over the law school admission process – tonight I polished my resume, tomorrow or the next day I will work on a cover letter for people I’m approaching to ask if they’d write a recommendation. I have time to do these things. This weekend is the weekend to do it, too.

Tomorrow Tridelt is having a tailgate for Family Weekend. I’m going. Seniors have to say what we are doing/wanting to do next year. I’m not sure if anyone knows at this point; I think most of us know what we’d like to do. I don’t think I am going to the game. I went to most of them, even the away games, last year. Since I decided this is my weekend to work, I’ve kinda gotten in that zone and that’s what I want to do. I’ll have to remember that Friday nights aren’t the best for productivity. Since it’s the end of the long week, I study for about 40 minutes then break for even longer and that’s ok. How many other folks are spending their Friday in a similar manner? Next Friday Clint will return. That next Wednesday is fall break, and that Saturday is the LSAT. The next week is homecoming week for Furman.

Senior year is great.

light, smile, peace

This picture is my computer backdrop.

I found it on a google image search. I can’t remember what I was even looking for but I think it came up under some abstract concept, like hope or peace.

It makes me think of the 23 Psalm. It is so peaceful. The water is calm, serene. The light is gentle but so present and so comforting, and the light fills the sky.

Calmer of the sea, the power of Your life is in me. O wonderful love, you died for me.

I’m letting my heart marinate in those promises a bit, soak them up, let the light reach deep and feel it cause my heart to stir and like the bud of a flower, open towards that source of warmth.

Father let your light shine down on me.

“May the Lord bless you and protect you. May the Lord smile on you and be gracious to you. May the Lord show you his favor and give you his peace.” Numbers 6:24-26

No matter what the day or night may bring, Father let your light shine down on me.

Smile down on me. Grant me Your peace. Your love is extravagant. How could you O Perfect One, when nothing I have done is worthy of my freedom you have won?

“Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.” Malachi 3:10

Smile down on me Father. Drench me with the light of Your love, the smile of Your face. You and only You bring my heart to stillness, bring my heart to life.

Song of the day I keep quoting? Let your light shine, Bethany Dillon. A beautiful prayer.

The Calmer of the sea
Here in this room with me
So gently welcoming
The weakest things in me
You are the blood over
The door of my heart
What pain You spared me from
How could I know it all?

Oh wonderful love, You died for me
The power of Your life is in me

Father, let Your light shine down on me
Father, let Your light shine down on me
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father, let Your light shine down on me

Oh Jesus, You became what was my deepest shame
That at Your very name
My calloused heart would change
How could You, oh perfect One
Love me, when I have done nothing that's worthy of
My freedom You have won

Oh wonderful love, You died for me
The power of Your life is in me

Father, let Your light shine down on me
Father, let Your light shine down on me
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father, let Your light shine down on me

Open up the heavens
Poor down Your Spirit
Hold me God
Jesus, wherever You lead
I'll sing harmony
Hold me God

Father, let Your light shine down on me
Father, let Your light shine down on me
No matter what the day or night may bring
Father, let Your light shine down on me

Growing pains

Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5

A new day. Scarlett says “tomorrow is another day,” and thank goodness for that. Yesterday ended and a new, glorious day came in its place.

Streams in the Desert, Sept. 14 passage:

[Jesus] draws close to me in order to mature my wisdom, deepen my peace, increase my courage, and supplement my power. All this He does so that through the very experience that is so painful and distressing to me, I will be of greater use to others. And then I will echo these words of one of the Scottish Covenators of the 17th century, imprisoned for his faith: “I grow under the load.”

Use the cross you bear as a crutch to help you on your way, not as a stumbling block that causes you to fall.
You may others from sadness beguile if you carry your cross with a smile.

Words of encouragement from friends that meant the world to me these past few days & helped lift my spirits:

God never puts us in situations he doesn’t think we can handle. This may seem hard right now, but you’re such a strong person…

Whatever you do, and wherever life takes you, don't stress. just live for god & know that in the grand scheme of things, standardized tests are not a huge matter. loving one another and being totally trustworthy and committed to Christ, however, is.

I am praying for you :) specifically, that you have a sense of peace that God will reward your hard work. and even if your scores haven't gone up, you've worked on the virtue of patience and the difficult skill of discipline.... and those are really really hard things to do (perhaps even harder than the test itself). so be proud of yourself, and know that God -- i'm sure -- is proud of your commitment to your vocation of student-ness.

God knows what's best. Not us. My all time favorite verse has always been Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight."

And the career counselor today:

It will be ok because you are too well prepared for it not to be.

Today was a good day. Had lunch with Travis, one of my best friends. He’s in a similar boat. We’re both control freaks learning that control is just an illusion and we have to be flexible, roll with the punches, not be so nailed down to one idea or our plans or how we think things should be so that we snap instead of just bending when a new wind blows our way. I don’t like change. According to my personality type, it is a dislike intrinsic to my nature.

Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing
cause I’ve built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
I’m getting older too
(Landslide, Fleetwood Mac)

I’m learning to embrace change. Err maybe not embrace…maybe me and change are more like at an awkward side hug phase. Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life? With time I have felt myself get bolder – I’m bolder than I was last year. And I am getting older. I’m freakin’ 22 years old. Time to act my age, whatever that is supposed to look like.

Met with the career counselor who was not just encouraging but also offered proactive advice. That was a productive appointment. Believe me, mom and pops, I’m pursuing options for life after Furman and will let you know the minute I have something lined up. I’m not just dancing through life. But I think my problem is when I get stressed I forget to dance at all. I saw a friend on the way to class and I told him I admire his laid back approach to life. Things work out whether or not you work yourself into an unbearable ball of stress over them or not, so for the sake of those who have to come in contact with me, I shall be resolved to be positive...and to dance.



Thought I had 100 pages of reading but only have 20; thought I had to brief 9 cases but only have to brief 1. So that was a nice discovery. I overestimated the work load – thought the to-do list would be a mile long after not doing much homework last night but it wasn’t after all – but I still need to get to the work I haven’t finished soon. Still haven’t reviewed the LSAT practice test from yesterday. I’ve been giving it the shaft all day. But I will get back to it eventually, if not tonight, maybe tomorrow because

When push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause it's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you’ve had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you stand,
Yeah then you stand.

Every time you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
(Stand, Rascal Flatts)

Every time you get up and get back in the race one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.

Hello, race. I'm back.

down at your feet again

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
(Lifehouse, Somewhere in between)

I prayed for humility. I prayed for stronger faith. College is a transitional time my friend Carter told me. There are so many unanswered questions, so much that’s uncertain.

And that’s where faith comes in, Lauren told me today when I was sitting on the couch in Einstein’s lounge in the top of the Dining Hall. My face must have given away I was not happy – stunned is more like it, and at a loss as to what to do after I took a full length LSAT practice test and my score was even lower than the last time, even after all the time and the practice with the Online prep course. With a beautiful smile on her face and kindness in her eyes she encouraged me to trust God, trust God, TRUST GOD, that there is a reason for this and that He knows the plans for me, and not to look to this one instance as a sign that the mountain’s too big to climb (I told her how I had heard that sometimes mountains are put in our way to show how bad we want something, sometimes to show us that we need to go another path – she said not to worry about that now). She said to try not to let it ruin my day. There is no point in letting it ruin my day.

I don’t know what will happen in 3 weeks. I’ll submit it to God AGAIN, pray about it, but she encouraged me not to loose balance and I know I was starting to, I’ve been getting rather obsessed. After my weekend of feeling re-centered, this lower score came as a shock to the system, had me feeling like Humpty Dumpty, like I fell off the wall and was shattered on the ground and in pieces.

“Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in, Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again”…and that’s the part where I fall down at Your feet AGAIN, Jesus, because I’m in pieces AGAIN…

After talking to Lauren I went to the chapel on Furman’s campus to pray. It was empty, silent. At first I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how stupid I must be, how frustrated and helpless I felt, how I am going to disappoint my parents and put my foot in my mouth for all the times I professed I wanted to go to law school and claimed my talents would lend themselves well to that profession. Apparently not, I lamented, on my way to the pity party that Jesus refused to show up to even though I invited Him. Like in the song, I said, “I know that I just don’t need this.”

And for some reason, I felt Him urging me to just the opposite. To my whining I felt him whisper, Why not? Who says you would understand the answers to your questions or be ready for them or receptive to them if I was to give them to you now?

Did I hear you right, Lord? That if I got what I want I wouldn’t look to you, I wouldn’t trust you? Lauren told me it is not up to us. Our lives are in Your hand.

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers, Garth Brooks sings. There are no such thing as unanswered prayers, just prayers that aren’t unanswered how we want them to be answered. And silence is not necessarily a no, but I am trying to prepare my heart for no.

You KNOW. You know everything, You know all I wish I knew, all I long to know. I read in a devotional one time the person said, “that God knows is enough for me.” I pray this now. What is Your plan for my life? Is law school in the plan? I know not everyone goes to grad school right after college, so “not right now” doesn’t necessarily mean “not ever.” Why this mountain – new path or to help make me stronger by climbing it?

My friend from since I was a little baby posted on her blog in the past couple days questions so similar to what I’ve been dealing with that I wanted to include a portion of her blog below:

We talked about what we could do if we could do anything and money not be a factor. But the reality is, money is a factor, and so who even knows what it looks like to do whatever you want?

Who even knows who or what they are supposed to be doing?

Who even knows who they are?

We are so confounded by our fears, by expectations, by our emotions, that it's hard to be headstrong about your life and yourself. At least that's how I feel right now.

So I'm using Kelli here as inspiration and encouragement that doing what you love and loving what you do still exists in the career form, and that I absolutely can find it.

Is it at HPUMC?
Is it in Dallas?
Is it with Teach for America?

Who even knows...

Who even knows. God knows. I just want to know.

And despite knowing this, I don’t feel it in my heart yet but hopefully I will. My current status is still “confounded” by all those things my friend mentions. Jesus please enter in to all that confounds me – “God is within her, she will fall” Psalm 46:5 says, so maybe, when this test is over, I won’t fall off the wall and be shattered after all. I am confounded by fear and expectations. I am so afraid of letting go of this dream, that it will slip away, that I will fail to see it come true. I thought it was where God was leading me. It makes sense to me, I felt peaceful about this. And, these thoughts are also why I am confounded – that certain people will mock this, scold me for not being discerning enough, for not knowing what I am supposed to do, for thinking I saw a path when it really was just a closed door. I am so afraid if I fail people will love me less, that they won’t be proud of me anymore – yeah, that must be what it boils down to, because as I typed that, tears came to my eyes. So with this fear it is hard to feel like the little engine that can when, on days like today, I hit a bump in the track and start rolling down the hill again. Lauren said it is just a bump in the road. Am I going to slide all the way down the hill after one bump, two bumps, or do I keeeeep singing the Chumbawumba song, “I get knocked down, but I get up again.” Yessssss that song… haha It is hard to be headstrong and confident after the bump in the road today, but God is within me, so I will not fall.

July 4 in my “Streams in the Desert” devotional says the following:

The revelation awaits an appointed time…though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay (Habakkuk 2:3)

For some who pray expecting an answer, it takes a long time to learn that delays of answers are not denials. In fact, in the “delayed blessing office” there are deep secrets of love and wisdom that we have never imagined! We tend to want to pick our blessings while they are still green, yet God wants us to wait until they are fully ripe…do not grieve Him by doubting His love. Instead, lift up your eyes and begin praising Him right now for the deliverance that is on its way to you. Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith.

Wow. Let me go over that again: “Do not grieve Him by doubting His love. Instead, lift up your eyes and begin praising Him right now for the deliverance that is on its way to you. Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith.”

That’s hope I can cling to today, though I am so desperate to know if this is a closed door or not. With that hope I am going to keep chugging. If I am not supposed to get over this mountain, perhaps it is refining me, strengthening my faith for another mountain. I don't know the reasons why I am stuck in this time of transition and uncertainty, but God knows and God loves me and I am not alone in this time. I may have fallen at His feet, started rolling down the hill, but I am by no means shattered like I thought.

The path way is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that you do
I will walk through the valley if You want me to
(Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To)

3 weeks to go

Black dog = LSAT. White dog = me.

3 weeks ‘til it eats me. Hahahaha.

Oh maybe it won’t be that bad. Maybe, maybe not. I just thought this picture was really funny.

I gave up facebook 'til then. Should free up some time. Already I see just how much I would check it then get pulled in for 5, 10, 15, 30 minutes at a time. Now's the time to make the most of my time. Ready, go.

I just returned from a night in my dear state of Tennessee. Clint and I met in Knoxville – our exact halfway point – for the night. I feel refreshed and relaxed after getting to spend some time with him and some time driving through the beautiful Smoky Mountains with the windows down, listening to my favorite music on shuffle, praying, singing, reflecting on life. I feel more centered as well, which is a good place to be entering the home stretch – the final 3 weeks before this big test. Clint’s mom said she would commit to praying for me everyday before the LSAT and I can feel it – the feeling of “somebody out there must be praying for me,” as the old Tim McGraw song goes. Did I mention I also feel more centered?

To quote my favorite, Eat Pray Love, on finding our center:

“You want to stay near the core of the thing – right in the hub of the wheel – not out on the edges where all the wild whirling takes place, where you get all frayed and crazy. The hub of calmness – that’s your heart. That’s where God lives within you. So stop looking for answers in the world. Just keep coming back to that center and you’ll always find peace.”

Clint has a way of directing me back to God, the only source of perfect peace. And that’s just one of the reasons I am so thankful to have him in my life. I was starting to feel all frayed and crazy – I was out on the edges and felt on edge. But now I feel nestled in the hub of the wheel once again. I was looking to other things for peace, “we all search for something to fill us up inside, but it’s only an illusion, true love’s hard to find,” I heard the Academy Singers sing today on my car ride. But they implored me, as Christ gently instructed the woman two centuries ago, to “drink from the water, drink from the Living Water, and you’ll never thirst again.”

True love’s hard to find. Hmm. On my car ride I listened to a sermon from Brentwood Baptist where the preacher quoted little kids on love.

One said: “Love is when there are two cupcakes and the man takes the one with not as much frosting.”

One said: “Love is telling your wife she looks beautiful even when she looks like a truck.”

One girl said, “Don’t tell someone you love them then take it back. Love’s not like picking out which movie you’re going to watch.”

I thought the last thought was particularly profound. How conditional and fickle our so-called love can be sometimes.

But as I also heard on my drive today:

This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was that when everything fell
We'd be held
(Natalie Grant, Held, played at my cousin Matt’s wedding in honor of my cousins Lindsay and Madison and Uncle Alan)

That’s Jesus’ promise to us. Not that life would be easy, but that He would love us unconditionally and hold us in the storm, in the sunshine, no matter what. The promise was we’d always be held.

In honor of you who lived in honor of Him

Precious Pictures! Lindsay and her love, Max; Lindsay and her twin Josh as babies.


Oh, Lindsay Lou.

Tomorrow marks the four year anniversary of my cousin Lindsay’s death. She was the best example of someone living out their faith that I have ever known. She “got it” at such a young age and lived it, lived for Him. So much has happened in these four years.And now her many sins have been forgiven for she loved much (Luke 7:52). Oh, did she ever!!!!

She would just be thrilled at how everyone has grown: her brother Matt got married and is in law school, her twin Josh is in dental school, her little brother Sam is a baseball/middle school stud, her cousin Natalie – who’s birthdays are separated by one day – is getting married in the spring and me, well, I’m chugging along in my senior year of college aiming for law school. I keep a picture of Matt, Josh, Nat, Lindsay, and me near my bed at school. It was taken the last time I saw her at my family's farm over Thanksgiving.

Oh how she would delight in our joys, encourage us along, and love us unconditionally and powerfully as she did when she was still present with us. She still fulfills those roles, though now she is face to face with Jesus, now that she is whole and pure and unburdened by sin. She is smiling down on us, my reminder to fight the good fight, finish the race. It’s hard to imagine that she has seen God’s face! She has waited expectantly and He threw open the doors and what a feast for the eyes – she could gaze upon His glory and look in His eyes; I shall not mourn for her down here.

When I get where I’m going
There’ll be only happy tears
I’ll shed the sins and struggles I have carried all these years
I’ll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I’m going
Don’t cry for me down here
…so much pain and so much darkness in this world we stumble through
all these questions I can’t answer, there’s so much work to do
but when I get where I’m going and I see my Maker’s face
I’ll stand forever in the light of His Amazing Grace
(Brad Paisley, When I get where I'm going)

An excerpt from the Journals of Lindsay Carole Miller read at her Memorial Service September 14, 2004

I know that God has blessed me beyond belief, and have prayed for His help from the day I became his daughter. So now I pray for courage, wisdom, strength, grace, hope, knowledge, faith, and kindness. ...And in knowing that this life is merely a backstage, a blink in time, I can live in peace.
We should have faith that through His Son Jesus Christ can we be saved. We should know this and not much more to make it through this life. He's really all about love. We need to understand that nowhere will we find pure...love than God's love. ...We also must learn to forgive...because we are falible and will make mistakes. ...we need to believe in God and put our faith and ourselves ONLY in Him, learn to love...and by the grace of God only can we be saved. Thank you Lord for GRACE!

Lindsay Carole Miller

The last recorded entry in her prayer journal:

Please let all I do be in remembrance and Honor of you! I LOVE YOU MY Adonai, Yeshua, Elohim, Yaweh, Abba, Father, Friend, and King.

Lindsay Carole Miller, 2004

My grandmother wrote me this and I kept it. It is one of my most treasured notes I've ever been written because it connects me with dearest Lindsay.

Hi Allison
Your beautiful mind and thought processes are continually inspiring-and amazing. I think you and Lindsay are/were soul sisters. Just think of the discussions you two could have had at this stage in your life! Perhaps she speaks with and through you and you have these questions-and answers-of the heart.
I am very proud of you,little one.
Lindsay wrote in one of her notes to me that she didn't realize how much she didn't know. But she was learning and open to so much. And her observation of her Mother as she gained insight and wisdom. Life is an ongoing lesson-some don't pay attention and don't learn. You, me dear, are right on track.
Keep in touch. The year is almost over at school.
Much love
Gma Carole 4/30/06

weight will help..revisited

*I came back after my class to revisit this morning's earlier musing.

Friend #1: I am not happy with Jesus. He won’t give me what I want.

Friend #2: Jesus is a Rolling Stones fan (and he proceeded to sing) “you can’t always get what you want.”

You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you might find
You get what you need

Pray as though everything depended on God. Work as though everything depended on you. (I don’t know, I think this quote relates somehow…)

Jars of Clay sings in Sunny Days **“the weight will make their hearts grow stronger…” The weight of unanswered questions that nag me, mountains I’m trying to climb, patience I’m wishing would develop…and sometimes that weight, that pressure and resistance I have to work against, is exactly what I need to help me grow, though at the time it is not pleasant. Since it is for my good, it would behoove me not to complain about it.

**Actually, the lyric is "the wait will make the heart grow stronger"...which is equally appropriate in the challenges it raises. If we get what we want exactly when we want it, is whatever has been gained really worth it, do we really appreciate it, are we really able to distinguish what's worth having from what's not? By "we" I mean me, I just use "we" as a way of distancing myself from the tendency mentioned. Nothing worth having is easy, isn't that what I've been told?

And if ya try sometime ya just might find, you get what ya need…Ah,maybe this is where the quote ties in. In Eat Pray Love Liz Gilbert remarks: "Prayer is a relationship. Half the job is mine. If I want transformation but can't even be bothered to articulate, what, exactly, I'm aiming for, how will it ever occur? Half of the benefit of prayer is the asking itself...there is so much about my fate that I cannot control, but other things do fall under my jurisdiction...I can decide how I spend my time, whom I interact with, whom I share my body and my life and money and energy with...and most of all, I can choose my thoughts."

So thank you Jesus for these "weights", these trials, though they weigh on my heart and make it feel heavy. Thank You for not giving me what I want when it's not what I need, or, when I'm not ready for it, or because I need to work with these weights to get stronger (like a body builder, though that analogy is obvious), and be faithful in a few things so I can be ready to be entrusted with further blessing, for keeping doors closed until your time. Help me to trust your timing because it always has been best and perfect.

I can choose my thoughts. My friend's mom would always tell us "choose kindness" or "choose joy", I don't remember which. I can choose to be thankful for the weights not bitter, and follow the example of Paul whose thorn was not removed. Because it was not removed, Christ's strength became an even more intimate reality in his life than before, and Paul learned just how sufficient that strength was because he had to rely /lean/depend on it. Would he had learned that lesson without the thorn? Hmmm.

I can choose to look to one of the great leaders of the Christian faith for wisdom.

2 Corinthians 12:7-10: To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

secure

Oh dear.

I had set aside this afternoon for LSAT prep and am really just not feeling it. I’ve gotten through some logic puzzles, “games” if you will, and haven’t had nearly the success I had on reading comprehension. Not to mention… it’s a beautiful day outside. Instead of getting anxious that my dream of law school hinges on this test I’m not exactly mastering, I’m going to be positive and assure myself that I’ll prepare the best I can these next 4 weeks. I’ll do my best…that’s all I can do. A lot can happen in 4 weeks. I wish I could make a trip to Murfreesboro to see Clint but know I need the weekends in between now and Oct. 4 to study in order to honestly say I gave this test my best shot. If I spend the weekends in between playing and not working, that wouldn’t be the case now would it.

I love how this weekend I went to bed earlier than I do on the weeknights. I needed to go to bed early last night because this morning I went to church (Redeemer) with Stephanie and Chelsea bright and early. I went to Redeemer a lot freshman and sophomore year and it was so good to be back.

Today was Communion Sunday. Communion Sunday has a refreshing, revitalizing power and this Sunday was no exception. Perhaps that is why, in a childish way, I feel discouraged by the premise of standardized tests where you have to perform, show you’re good enough, smart enough, in order to compete with hundreds for coveted acceptance letters, because as Pastor Toby pointed out today, God doesn’t turn anyone away from His table. God doesn’t get discouraged with me even when I get discouraged with myself, like right now.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and I will give you rest…whoever comes to me I will never drive away” (Matt. 11:28, John 6:37)

Toby said God’s table is the “great equalizer” – others may be smarter, not as smart, nicer, not as nice, prettier, uglier, richer, poorer, more or less successful than me, but Jesus doesn’t care about those things. As the Sunscreen song says, “Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.” Jesus calls us to put down the measuring stick because with Him, our lot is secure.

Communion Sunday is a reminder of how Jesus gives. Jesus gives us this meal as an assurance that what was done on the cross is finished and secure. And if that’s the case, for those who believe, our destiny in eternity is also secure. We gain from His reward because His wounds have paid our ransom.

In church we read from the Heidelberg catechism, question 75, that I am going to type out to go back over this precious truth.
How does the Lord’s Supper remind you and assure you that you share in Christ’s one sacrifice on the cross and in all his gifts?
In this way: Christ has commanded me and all believers to eat this broken bread and drink this cup. With this command he gave this promise: first, as surely as I see with my eyes the bread of the Lord broken for me and the cup given to me, so surely his body was offered and broken for me and his blood poured out for me on the cross. Second, as surely as I receive from the hand of the one who serves, and taste with my mouth the bread and the cup of the Lord, given to me as sure signs of Christ’s body and blood, so surely he nourishes and refreshes my soul for eternal life with his crucified body and poured out blood.

So in this quest of mine to rock out on the LSAT, I can give the best I can and it may not be enough, but I can do my best anyway. My life won’t be over if I can’t get into law school. As Mother Teresa says, “in the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.”

So I think I’ll go for a walk/run, reflecting back over the lesson from Communion while stretching my legs, then attack the test prep, calmer, having been refreshed...

love and acceptance in spite of my ugliness

Yesterday I heard a song that made me think of the last sermon I heard at my home church before returning to Furman. Bethany Dillon sings, “I used to think you couldn’t love a mess like me then you came in so close…but you change me, you change me…and though I feel so stuck the hope in Your eyes is enough.”

This kind of love, the kind of love that God offers to us, is what the sermon explores.

God’s love is extended to us, given to us and for us – a love that is never deserved and never ending. God's grace is so amazing because grace is undeserved – it’s given. And God doesn’t wait for us to get our stuff together. God just loves – even when we’re not ready for it, God just loves, even in the midst of our ugliness.

Dave Roever, an evangelist, was in Vietnam when a grenade blew up a few feet from him causing burns all over his body. When his wife went to visit him in the hospital, she had to check the patient folder by his bed because he was unrecognizable. When she confirmed it was her husband, she bent down and kissed his disfigured face and said these words: “Welcome home Davy. I love you.”
He looked up into her eyes and said, “sweetheart I’m so sorry.”
And she said, “sorry? For what?”
“I’m just sorry I will never ever again be able to look good for you.”
And she said, “oh Davy how silly. You never were good looking anyway.”

This elicited laughs from the congregation but I found the truth of her words moving in how they reflect God’s heart towards us.

Dave said later on that “hearing those words of love and of acceptance in spite of my ugliness was the beginning of my spiritual healing which allowed me to face life once again.”

When the preacher said this it gave me chills. I was reminded of God's love that runs deep, deeper than any of my wounds, that He has extended to me no matter how unlovable I feel, directly or through the amazing people He has put in my life as vessels of His love. I have been blessed to have people in my life who are arrows pointing to Heaven, pointing back to God's goodness and how God offers undeserved but amazing, healing inducing, liberating sort of love.

There were times this spring and summer where I was often quite unlovable & just downright selfish and my rotten behavior called for the people in my life to dig deep in order to overlook those flaws, in order to continue a relationship with me, but they did. They didn't just throw in the towel or walk away when they could've and leave me in the messes I was making. They loved me in spite of myself, and in doing so, pointed me to God, because that's how He loves us. And in doing so, they added to my spiritual healing which enabled me to face life once again...

The preacher went on to ask: Have you ever had anyone love you in spite of your ugliness, accept you when you felt you were unacceptable, offer you forgiveness when you felt like something you had done was unforgivable? Has someone said the words, ‘I love you’ when you could not love yourself? Have you ever felt someone love you in spite of your ugliness?

Because that is EXACTLY how God loves us. And sometimes His people are able to be vessels of this love.

In the way that we are loved, love given to us before we deserve it and get our act together, and in spite of our ugliness, we are called to love those around us. So no matter how useless we may feel at times, like we have nothing to offer the world, what we can offer those around us is that same love we have received and when we do it makes a difference.

“This is the amazing story of God’s grace. God saves us by His grace and transforms us more and more into the likeness of His Son by His grace. In all our trials and afflictions, He sustains and strengthens us by His grace. He calls us by grace to perform our own unique function within the Body of Christ. Then, again by grace, He gives to each of us the spiritual gifts necessary to fulfill our calling. As we serve Him He makes that service acceptable to Himself by grace and then rewards us a hundredfold by grace.”

So we love with the same kind of grace that was offered to us.

My pockets are empty
Fear's such a thief
You know how that goes
I used to think
You couldn't love a mess like me
Then You came in so close

As my heart settles
You do the impossible

You change me, You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me

Like a bullet in a wound
It needs to be removed
But only by You, only by You
And though I feel so stuck
The hope in Your eyes is enough

To change me, You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me

Now that I see Your face
I'll never be the same

You change me, You change me
Thank You, Jesus
I can see You change me

the meaning of life is to live it

This has been a really good day.

I woke up to an email from my marine friend Ryan Tomlinson who is in Iraq. He told me he only has 7 weeks left in Iraq and he will be coming home in mid-October for good! Whew! I worry about him when he’s over there and extended periods of time pass from when I heard from him last. And so God willing he will be coming home to begin his pursuit of his dream job in the FBI. Hearing from him really puts things in perspective. I was lamenting playfully yesterday how I need a vacation since I didn’t get one this summer and he used the same words in his email...he needs a vacation because he’s been in Iraq for several months. Yes, I feel a vacation for the boy might be in order. There’s a Dane Cook skit where the father says something along these lines to his son, “you’re having a hard day? I was in Vietnam, I’ve had a hard life.” He’s been over there fighting on behalf of the United States with more courage and strength than I’ll ever have. I am very thankful for that. I’m very thankful there are people protecting our country so I don’t have to and so I can enjoy the liberties this county affords. It is possible that I can wake up and go about my life in the land of the free and the home of the brave and possess my God-given rights (life, liberty, pursuit of property, or, happiness, though it is argued that the two often go hand in hand) because of the sacrifice Ryan and his fellow men and women in arms make – sacrificing years of their life in service, and in some cases their lives, period. Reflecting on all this puts things in perspective, makes things I used to think were so important loose their appeal. I am being purposefully vague, but there are some things that just don’t matter and it is nice to just not worry about them anymore.

I wrote down some quotes from our convocation speaker today: “may you be liberated from the obsession over grades” and “education is a process. Life is a process.”

May you be liberated from the obsession from grades. Though very important, they don’t need to command a worship like devotion from your soul. Nothing should have such a grip on a human – isn’t that an idol? – and it’s nice to recognize them when they rear their ugly head and cast ones who have commanded such control aside.

Ryan told me in December he would support McCain because McCain knows firsthand about the sacrifice the people in the armed forces make, and McCain would listen to the generals, which is crucial for the time we live in. I have used McCain’s experience in the armed forces and Ryan’s reasoning often in discussions as to why McCain is the better suited candidate. I didn’t watch Palin but want to today, but did read the transcript of Thompson’s speech and saw bits of Giuliani’s. Definitely has me fired up for the Republican ticket. I hope they’ll pick up the momentum they’ll need to pull it out in November. In honor of the convention and Ryan and his fellow men and women in arms I wore a red, white, and blue flag pin today. It had rhinestones.

I’ve got homework, LSAT studying, and maybe running, maybe errands, and a dinner date with the lovely Jenni Asman tonight and I’m thinking South Carolina vs. Vandy game at Corey’s again as my reward for being productive today so I need to get crackin’.

Heard this song, an old favorite, on my walk to class today and have been listening to it on repeat. Goes with the theme of pursuing what’s really important and being grateful for life and love and all the fabulous things life and love has to offer. As this song describes, life is about moments, about relationships.

My sister has a bumper sticker that says: “The meaning of life is to live it.” How do you measure your life? Measure in love. Love is a gift and the best gift there is, because it is out of love, God's love because God is love and therefore the original source of love, that we were given life.

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes how do you measure
Measure a year
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life
How about love
How about love
How about love
Measure in love
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes how can you measure the life of a woman or man
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

It’s time now to sing out, though the story never ends
Let's celebrate remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love
Remember the love
Remember the love
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love

just to say i love you

What a beautiful day at Furman!

Mid-80s all day makes for very pleasant strolls to and from class and around the 5-k campus course.

Instead of going to meetings at 5 and 6 as I have done for the past 2-3 years, I took a short nap and walked the 5-k course.

Au revoir, Residential Life Council. See ya later, Student Alumni Council.

I am trying to balance 4 classes under Furman’s new semester system, a part time job in Furman’s media relations office starting next week, and studying for the LSAT, and I simply do not have the time or energy to devote to those organizations, the time and energy they deserve from their members. I have utmost respect for them and look to see big things from them but know my place is to observe them from afar and that is just fine with me. It’s actually kind of liberating. My sister’s advice to me senior year was not to waste time trying to please people you don’t care about, and I think along those lines falls the concept of spending my time how I need to/want to. So I am learning to say no, I am learning to recognize what I need to do, how I want to spend my time, and pursuing that path.

Classes were good. American Government & Rhetoric day.

After my first class had a great talk with Lily. Her birthday is Friday and she told me to stop by her apartment for some cake in the late evening which works perfectly because I will be spending the early evening with Nancy, my big sister from Tridelt whom I haven’t seen since my visit to Furman this summer. I CANNOT WAIT to see her and hear how she’s been, how her teaching and wedding planning have been going, and just hear about life! And maybe see her apartment and get my bridesmaid dress? Yaaaay. So after I see Nancy I will have pretty much gotten to see all my best friends since I’ve been back. I thought about that on my walk today. I thought about how thankful I am that I am pretty much guaranteed to see three of my best friends every day (my apartment mates) and how I am resolved to see other best friends often, if not weekly. Leanna and I last week talked about how much we think about our friends and if we talked to them or told them how much we thought about them they would probably feel quite loved so I sent Tyner a message telling her I was thinking about her.

Lunch I just showed up. Didn’t know who was going to be there, but I didn’t care. I had no problem sitting by myself. It can be intimidating walking into a big crowded cafeteria, but I just don’t care anymore. I was happy to see Brandon, Seth, and Ann sharing a table and it was a delight to join them. I was more than content to feast alone, but it was so great having company!

After my walk roommate Bridgette and I looked up cruises. We want to take a vacation. Spring break? After Christmas? Cheap? Out of Charleston? Pleeeeeease. Wickles and Corey can come too. Sigh. Dream on, bucko.

I recreated my favorite dish from Chicora Alley for dinner – a wrap with cheese, spinach, plantains (bananas as a substitute) but no chicken because I didn’t have any and it was very yummy and I am going to start studying in a minute or so.

I’d like to catch Palin on later tonight but should get to crackin’ that LSAT…hmm…maybe she will be on youtube.

I'm peaceful, calm, and happy. This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it...sounds good to me!

I've been listening to this song a lot lately. Especially after a weekend like the one I just had, my heart feels peaceful and brimming with, well, love. Just thinkin' there ain't no way to contain the love that I feel inside and how that love makes me think of an even greater love. A love that took the arrows, the nails that I deserve, and wrapped His heart around my name, carved my name into His heart, just to say I love you.

"My Tree" by Chris Rice:

On a hill far away stands a tall mighty tree
Where a boy and girl used to take
turns pushing the tire swing
I remember the pocketknife in hand
And her name in my heart
And thinkin' there ain't no way for a boy to contain
The love that he feels inside
So I carved her name into my tree
Then I carved a heart around her name
Then I carved an arrow through the heart
Just to say "I love you"
Now on a hill far away stood an old rugged cross
The emblem of suffering and shame
I remember the nails through my hands
And your name in my heart
And how in their wordless way the nails explain
The love that I feel inside
As they carved your name into my tree
Where I wrapped my heart around your name
Then I took your arrow through my heart
Just to say, "I love you"
Just to say, "I love you"
Now I can never forget how much you mean to me
'Cause I will always remember whenever I see
Where I carved your name into my tree
Where I wrapped my heart around your name
Then I took your arrow through my heart
Just to say, "I love you"
Just to say, "I love you"

Labor Day weekend

It was Labor Day weekend & I was 22…

The first academic week of senior year was just three days and so before I knew it, it was already the weekend, and the weekend – not just any weekend, but Labor Day weekend – came and went just as fast.

My boyfriend Clint came to visit for the weekend. He has an afternoon class so we originally planned on him arriving at Furman around 10, but mid afternoon he called to say he had skipped the class, left middle Tennessee around noon, and would be arriving in Greenville in time for dinner! How wonderful! I was so thrilled.

We went to Chicora Alley – one of my favorites – for dinner. We decided its fare is like an upscale Mexican/Caribbean mix, so, delicious. I always get a chicken burrito – with really good cheese and salsas and avocado, but what makes the dish is the plantains – sweet and hot and oh so yummy.

After dinner we met up with the crew celebrating Luke Browder’s 21st/going away party at an oyster bar and Clint got to meet Luke, Amanda Pepper, Kelly Dye, Brita Long, Leanna Hammet, Ann Truslow, Ryan Brady, and Will Whitson to name a few.

Once back at my apartment we sat out on the balcony – our third floor balcony provides a lovely view of the woods and an ideal place to greet the morning with a mug of coffee at the beginning of the day or a fabulous spot to unwind at the end of the day. This particular instance the night air felt fabulous and we enjoyed some peach champagne under the clear night sky. Then, we joined friends and roommates at another apartment and Clint got to meet even more of my pals.

In the morning (more like noon) we made chocolate chip pancakes and ate them on the balcony though it was a bit toasty outside, then walked around the lake, saw the black swan, and strolled through the rose garden and rain garden. Then we went to Wal-mart and got Clint a Furman shirt since the Furman bookstore was closed. The afternoon was hot and sunny so we relaxed and watched The Princess Bride before going to Liberty with the roommates and Corey and Allison McFall, my adorable little sister in my sorority, to meet Ryan Singhi and Caroline Ingram. Liberty is a restaurant right by the baseball stadium that Furman students frequent and so I wanted to take Clint there. It is also a favorite restaurant of mine and I have been to one or two birthday celebrations there.

After dinner we had friends over and Clint got initiated by the roommates. They made him a torch and banner to run through…yeah…they had plotted this before his arrival and we kept it a secret though we told him there was something to anticipate. Oh, roomses. He gave us a bottle of pomegranate wine as a thanks for hosting him for the weekend treat and it was delicious. Well done, Wickles.

The next morning (more like noon) we made cinnamon & splenda (sugar substitute much to Clint’s dismay since he is not a fan of light foods) pancakes and enjoyed them on the balcony to a partly cloudy sky. Then we drove to North Carolina to go to Chimney Rock State Park to hike. The drive was glorious. Windows down. Perfect temperature. Amazing view of the mountains. The air smelled fresh and pure – like right before a rainstorm because it was about to rain but the sun was still shining. Took it in, drank it in.

Pretty much right when we got to the park the clouds got darker and more prominent in the sky. We went up Chimney Rock for a fabulous view of Lake Lure and the North Carolina mountains. Not too far into the hike it started to rain so we ducked for cover in what we called our little cave and waited for the rain to pass. Since sitting under my parents’ screen door porch is one of my favorite pastimes, this was rather amazing for me – listening to the rain, smelling and watching and in some instances feeling the rain come down. It passed over leaving behind puddles and a pleasant coolness in the air. We made our way to the bottom of the waterfall for another incredible view of the mountains.

Post hike I took Clint to Thaicoon, another Furman student favorite and I got one of my favorite meals - pineapple curry – then we returned to the apartment and watched Borat (which I had to pause twice so Clint could catch his breath from laughing so hard).

Today Clint left around noon. Bummer. Don’t know when I’m going to see him again, but it’s looking like not ‘til the end of September for our Tridelt function. Fortunately, I have a long distance relationship pro in my apartment (Mandy) and one who managed a long distance relationship with limited communication over the summer (Bridgette). We’ll see. It is what it is. My sister managed her senior year and they made it work. It’ll be an adjustment. Fortunately I’ve got a lot on my plate so there’s no time to waste moping.

I’ve been doing homework most the day and took a long break to write this blog post before beginning LSAT prep. I was going to try to slip away and watch some of the UT game but I really need to devote at least two hours to review tonight. I can’t complain about having to do work now after playing all weekend I suppose.