soothed by the river on a sunday night

"...when, under the starlight, he ventured into the open air. The sky soothed him then, he knew not how. For the face of nature is the face of God, and must bear expressions that can influence, though unconsciously to them...His children." -George MacDonald

Perfect quote for tonight.

Sunset and moonlight by the Mississippi River soothed me, for the face of nature is the face of God. Give me the Mississippi & soothe my soul, I wanna get lost in its steady roll and drift away. Mmm mmm mmm. A sweet night indeed.

Whirlwind of a weekend. Is the dust settling? Necessary to take each day at a time. Each day has enough troubles of its own, so the scriptures urge us not to worry about tomorrow.

Streams in the Desert passage of the day:

"Our faith is at its greatest point when we are in the middle of the trial. Confidence in the flesh will never endure testing."

Notes from the sermon today:

Deuteronomy 4:7 says "what great nation is there that has a god near to it as the Lord our God is (to us)whenever we call to him?" which reminded me of the nearness of God & the intimacy we can experience with him.

Taking the Lord's name in vain is more about not giving him credit or giving him credit for something he didn't endorse

Thoughts on Romans 8:28: all things can and do work for the good; God is in the midst of pain and despair; how every opportunity can bring healing, wholeness, and hope which is not saying God put us in the pit to begin with, but emphasizes God's ability to redeem us & bring us out of the pit.

And finally, thoughts from a wise friend:

Believe you deserve what you want.

You make what at first seem like mistakes and you later realize they weren't mistakes after all.

rescue

You are the source of life
I can't be left behind
No one else will do
I will take hold of You

I need You Jesus, I need You Jesus

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

chorus
I need You Jesus to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There's no other Name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You

My heart is Yours for life
I need Your hand in mine
No one else will do
Lord I put my trust in You

chorus

bridge
This world has nothing for me (I will follow You)
(Newsong, Rescue)

not heart or head or dreams but my Father

Do I turn to the left?
Do I turn to the right?
When I turn to the world they gave me this advice

They said boy you just follow your heart
But my heart just led me into my chest
They said follow your nose
But the direction changed every time I went and turned my head
And they said boy you just follow your dreams
But my dreams were only misty notions
But the Father of hearts and the Maker of noses
And the Giver of dreams He's the one I have chosen
And I will follow Him

I believe there'll come a time
Lord, I pray it's not too far off
There'll be no poverty or crime
There'll be no greed and we will learn how to love
And children will be safe in their homes
And there'll be no violence out on the streets
The old will not be left alone
And the strong will learn how to care for the weak

And everyone I know hopes it comes real soon
But when I ask 'em where I'd find it they seem so confused
Do I find it in the day?
Do I find it in the night?
When I finally ask the world they give me this advice

Well they said boy you just follow your heart
But my heart just led me into my chest
They said follow your nose
But the direction changed every time I went and turned my head
And they said boy you just follow your dreams
(Part of "Maker of Noses" by Rich Mullins)

Do I turn to the left, do I turn to the right...praying God will direct my steps and will be a light to my path. He will provide a way. And his way and his will for me will be glorious because he loves me.

your love is extravagant

The first half of my walk I spent wishing I had someone to share the sunset with.

The second half I realized God wanted to share it with me and spent that time worshiping him & watched as he painted the sky golden, and watched as the golden sky sparkled across the river and thought perhaps this is what it will look like when the streets are paved with gold.

God's love is extravagant. Like a big blanket I felt his love wrap around me, and I opted to wrap it nice & close.

My ipod, on shuffle, then played a series of love songs from God to me:

~Paint it Golden
~Your Love is Extravagant (Casting Crowns)
~If I had words
~Our Prayer (Josh Grobin!)
~Jesus Paid it All
~Somewhere in between (Lighthouse)

I was reminded of C.S. Lewis' words:

"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Though we were made for another world, God lets us experience his extravagant love in this world.


Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Cause Your love is extravagant

Chorus:
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate
I feel I'm moving to the rhythm of Your grace
Your fragrance is intoxicating in the secret place
Your love is extravagant

Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Spread wide in the arms of Christ there's a love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known; You considered me a friend
Capture my heart again

Your love is extravagant
Your friendship, it is intimate

"Allison's in Memphis"

"Allison's in Memphis."

My mom called yesterday and told me my great-grandmother has taken a turn for the worse.

Mom said her memory is worse and she doesn't have much energy or much of a desire to do much of anything. She has dementia and she IS 96. Mom said she'll be sitting there in a daze, and will snap out of it on occasion, and what she says and remembers touches my heart. She'll say, "Allison's in Memphis."

My grandfather, her son, will say, "Yes, and Jay's in Philadelphia" and will tell her other news of our family to try and jog her memory, but what she seems to know for sure is that I am in Memphis.

She came over to our house before I left and was so encouraging about my move to Memphis. She'd say, "so you're going to be a lawyer! So you're going to Memphis! Well land sakes!" Sweet Nanny believes in me.

My mom said the lesson from this is YOU NEVER KNOW how your actions touch someone and what little things you do stick with them.

I will miss sweet Nanny if it pleases God to take her soon. Most people Nanny has known in her life except for her family are long gone. She had a hard life - her mother died when she was young, and she spent some time in an orphanage and her first marriage ended quickly - but embodying the Charles Dickens' motto "I am resolved to be happy" she embraced life with positivity with enthusiasm. I don't know if I have EVER heard her complain.

I pray she will be comfortable though her body is failing her and that God would grant us tender love, patience, and comfort while we prepare for this. I am glad mom called and prepared me so it would not come as a shock.

I did receive the shocking news that one of Cory's best friends was found dead a few days ago. He was just in his 20s (25?) and it was very unexpected. It is hard to find peace in a situation like this, but it compels us to celebrate life for sure, and learn from his sweet, simple life. Bridgette blogged that he never knew a stranger, and once he met you, you were in - you were a part of his life - and isn't that a wonderful way to be! I aspire to have that kind of warmth, that ability to put people at ease and make them feel instantly 'you have a friend in me' as he did. Mark Winburn has found perfect peace from his pain and perfect rest in Jesus' presence. He was hurting greatly and is now healed and can see Love Himself face to face.

Yesterday I needed to process these things and was able to spend the morning resting and talking with Bridgette and my mom. I did learn some good things: I will be home Labor Day weekend and will get to see my brother's football game & will get to spend time with my dear friend Megan; Bridgette's wedding planning is going well and they will be serving drinks in mason jars (SO them) and the rehearsal dinner will be on a boat!

Megan was having a party tonight and it was the first time I had pangs of aw, I wish I could be there not here for the first time since I've been here, partly because I wish I could spend time with her and partly because I did not have plans. I have some friends but don't have a "gang" yet like in college. New friends, new memories will come in time.

Friday night I DID go out to Beale Street with Robin and we met up with Courtney, who used to date one of Clint's friends. We ran into a 2L friend Kevin we had met last weekend, and decided to find him after we got our drinks. We got some slushies at Wet Willys (the very same place we went in Charleston for CB's bachelorette & Hannah's 21st!!). And what would you know, but they were playing David Allan Coe - "and I'll hang around as long as you will let me (let me, let me, let me!)." Warmed my heart IMMENSELY to hear the final song played at Pi Kapp functions that we also danced to in a circle at Tyner & Zeke's wedding!

Out on the street we heard "Hey Ba Ba" and saw people breaking out in dance moves that put our own white girl moves to shame. Kevin was at Silkys which has a great big patio so we sat with him & met some 2Ls and had a "cold beer on a Friday night" like the Chicken Fried song says. :)

Saturday night I made dinner (veggie burger & corn on spinach with salsa & honey dijon dressing on top) and watched the sun set over the Mississippi River & soaked up the Tennessee serenity.

And DOCUMENTED it. :)

Below are my 10 favorite pictures. If you look closely you can see a sliver of the moon in a few of them. :)

Then, I finished typing up my notes and watched Henry the Eighth on youtube. Though similar to The Other Boleyn Girl, I preferred Boleyn Girl much more - better portrayals of Ann, Henry, & Katherine for sure. Then I watched some documentaries on Katherine and discovered there is a movie called "Juana La Loca" but I could not find it on youtube but hope to see it soon. Very, very relaxing night.

moment of peace

Mmmmmm a moment of peace.

One of my professors said that if we devote as much time as we should to the material, we will have little time for anything else.

I've seen already, after 4 days, just how true his statement is.

I enjoy learning. The material is interesting. I have a sense of 'if I can do this, I can do anything.'

I was going to have a really long day at the law school building, 8:40 a.m. - 7 p.m. I have four classes today and two 3-hour time blocks between the classes; 11-2 I have no class, & from 3-6 I have no class. At 11 I worked during the time block. I was going to work at 3 too, but had left my book at home.

No big deal. I'll get it done. The drive back to my apartment is kind of long but I needed the time to relax, to not read, to not brief cases. I need to be steady, and do not need to become so absorbed that I become burned out and worn out this early in the game. Perhaps one day I will be one of the looney tunes who can pull a 10 hour day at the law school building, but today - day 4 - was not one of them.

This first week has been a blur.

Everything I've heard is correct: there IS so much material. Lots of complex material. Making the most of time, and not wasting it, is key.

This week Clint came to visit. I am so glad we got to spend time together, though this visit was much, much different from his 9 visits to Furman.

For one, I had to do homework. Lots and lots, hours and hours, worth of homework.

We did, however, go to the zoo because afternoons at the Memphis Zoo on Tuesday are free. I liked the wombat & the penguins & lions & pumbas & flamingos & polar bears & armadillo (it was running around in a loop like Loca often does).

Clint cooked us dinner while I studied Tuesday night, Wednesday I was at class pretty much all day (9-3) but when I returned we went to the grocery store and cooked the pepper dish I made the other night but improved it for sure!

Clint & Alli's stuffed peppers

3 green bell peppers, stems cut off & cut in half vertically
chicken (the chicken we bought had been marinated in Italian dressing)
rice mix (had peas and carrots in the mix)
1 cob of corn
1 carrot
some chunky salsa

Grinded it all up in the Magic Bullet, baked in a shallow pan in the oven, 375 degrees for 25 minutes, and voila, a feast was had!

Paired quite nicely with rose wine, Frank Sinatra, a darling boyfriend, and a best friend of 20 years.

Clint left when I left this morning around 8:15 so the visit was very short and very sweet. Clint liked Memphis. He likes Mud Island and the Harbor Town area; said it reminded him of a mini Charleston. And, he said he took a deep breath of relief crossing the bridge coming to Mud Island from the city. I love crossing over the bridge.

Maybe next time we will walk along the river or go to the Peabody. Maybe a weekend visit would be a better idea. On Fridays I only have two classes, but early in the week, I am swamped. You live and you learn, right?

Jessie wrote recently:

You are who you are; you are how you behave, what you feel, and what you love.

We are undefinable as Jessie muses; shades of gray and blurs at best, ever changing as new information and habits are acquired and the old fade or are unlearned. Are we really the same one day to the next? And if not, does that mean I can't expect someone I haven't seen in a week, or a month, to be the same because their eyes have seen and their worlds have been expanded, though these things have added to the sweet reference point and familiarity from which I know them.

It is easy to think 'I am stronger, better, xyz than I was yesterday, a year ago, 5 years ago,' but that process is so hard to trace, and certain moments - signposts - mark the change. But the process is a blur and hard to trace.

Realizations about the strength you never thought you had, your ideas about God, your family, life, inspiration, come at the most random time from the most random sources, I've found. Moments when you see yourself as you - not what you don't have, or don't have anymore, and not who you wish you were but who you are - and are thankful. Moments. Moments when you don't resent someone for their weaknesses or regard them for their strengths but appreciate their being - that they are who they are, the good and the bad, the weak and the strong. Moments when you learn to admire, not envy.

Thank you Jesus, I can see, you change me. One day to the next. I am not the same. I may take one step forward and two steps back, but you are with me propelling me onwards.

On Twitter the other day someone wrote 'whatever you're stressed about think, will this matter in a week? in a year?' and that statement had a profound impact on me. Little things like that.

Who are you? You are who you are, what you feel, what you love.

Yup. This is what happens when I listen to my 'peace' playlist. Problems seem more manageable and I feel, well, peaceful.

My grandmother shared this prayer with me, of which I have typed excerpts:

Lord thank you for my uniqueness for making me how I am
For giving me freedom to live my life and be who I find I am
You said to love others as I love me - that means I must accept who I am
Continue to show me you think I'm OK - when I'm up, down, or just in between
Help me as I struggle to really be me to be open and honest with myself
Support me as I risk letting others see me sharing hurts as well as the comforts

i am cooking here!

Tonight, I baked.

I baked a stuffed bell pepper.

Yes, something has come over me.

It was...fun.

I think...I am going to try cooking...more.

In all seriousness, I do want to cook more. I have, recently, thanks to my Magic Bullet, discovered the joy in a homemade delectable creation. The Magic Bullet makes cooking very quick with a minimal mess, which is perfect for me because I am not very patient. And thanks to my Magic Bullet, I have had great smoothies, and just for kicks grinded up an apple to make homemade apple sauce!


My bell pepper recipe

1 red bell pepper, cut the top off and removed the seeds, cut in half vertically

1 carrot, grinded to a pulp in the Magic Bullet

1 black bean veggie burger, cooked in the microwave ~ 1 min

some chunky salsa

Combined the grinded carrot, veggie burger, and some salsa in the Magic Blender. Grinded these ingredients, then poured them in the pepper halves, which were in a shallow baking pan.

Cooked them for about 20-25 minutes at 375.

Absolutely wonderful!

where trouble melts like lemon drops

I have been in Memphis now from Sunday to Sunday, and a lot has happened in such a short span of time!

I suppose I will have to do brief highlights of all that has transpired for now since the law books are already clamoring for my attention!

Since the last time I have written:

Thurs & Fri were orientation events. Met some new, very nice future classmates of mine. I enjoyed it a lot more than Furman's orientation - no field games, no awkward brother hall mixers, etc. :) Everyone was new, most everyone did not know other people, so most everyone was in the same boat.

After being at orientation all day, Robin came with me to a cookout [free veggie burger!] & out for drinks [free beer!] with the law school peeps Thursday night.

At Friday's orientation we had a 'swearing in' ceremony, signifying our entry into the legal profession, a noble profession, a profession where we have the ability to use our legal knowledge to truly help people, change their lives for the better, in their time of need. Now, there are officially expectations that we strive for 'uncompromising professionalism.' I am SO proud of the degree I am pursuing. I feel like I am *thismuchcloser* to reaching my dream. I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be. And it feels AMAZING.

I wanted to include this next story because I think it is sweet. I was on my way to the bookstore & recognized the cute shoes of a girl who I had seen at law school events so I talked to her, and it turned out she was bringing her roommate to Friday's reception (as was I). She waited for me while I got my books and we talked some more. Her name's Anna & she's from TN too and she is SO sweet & cute. And that's how I met Anna, who I would venture to Graceland & to the movies with the next night. She reminded me a lot of Caroline Ingram, which speak volumes in my book. :)

Friday night Robin accompanied me to the reception at the Belz Art Museum [free food! free wine!]. We met more people & mingled with those we had met already, then went to Beale Street, to Silkys, a great outdoor spot where there are reasonably priced drinks, goats, live music, a place to dance [not to mention, for law students free cover & free parking!]!

Yesterday was a glorious Saturday! Went for a run on a path by the Mississippi River which is easily becoming one of my new favorite places, to Paradise Cafe with Robin and one of her friends, then to TJ Maxx, a quick trip to Target, Robin's beau arrived for a visit, watched The Other Boleyn Girl on youtube to satiate my recent obsession with Henry III & his wives.

I was *thisclose* to being lame and staying in, but my new sweet friend Anna was going with some friends to Graceland for Elvis week so I joined them, and what a treat it was! We saw old Elvis, fat Elvis, young Elvis, Elvis picture shrines, candlelight vigils, the works! I got a few postcards. Then we got some snacks - York peppermint patty, Diet Dr. Pepper, & dark choc M&Ms were my selection - and went to a midnight showing of the Time Travelers wife! Greatly enjoyed Rachel McAdams & Eric Bana :) Go see it. It's a sweet story!

Today I watched clips of The Tudors on youtube, accompanied Robin & her beau to Robin's uncle's for a *home cooked* meal including Muddy's [a Memphis bakery we have already visited] cupcakes for dessert, studied studied studied, received my black desk from Emily & Jordan, went for a walk at Sunset along the Mississippi River and am rested & ready to hit the books, hit the bed, & go to my first day of law school classes!

On my walk this evening, I watched the sun set over the river, a vibrant orange and pink that faded to lavender and peach. I watched families and couples play and sit and stroll. I watched the birds fly overhead, so many birds, and thought about the song over the rainbow that says at the very end (and gives my blog its url) that says 'if happy little bluebirds fly'...This song is such a comfort to me. I feel like the peace I've felt recently, that I am where troubles melt like lemon drops, away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find me. I am very blessed to have Robin here and I number her among my blessings daily, and I am very blessed to have this chance I've been given to attend a phenomenal institution and pursue an incredible degree while living in a peaceful, lovely community.

Watching the birds, I also thought of Matthew 6:26:

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"

And how, yes, I know, 'God feeds the birds but does not put it in their nest - they have to go out and get it' but that verse emphasizes some very great, very simple truths about how God relates to us.

He provides. He is faithful & He is love. And we are very valuable to him.

The day is brighter here with You
The night is lighter than its hue
Would lead me to believe
Which leads me to believe
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
You make everything glorious
And I am Yours
What does that make me?
-David Crowder

Like the birds of the air, God takes great care of me!

Photographs of Memphis so far

OK, pictures ~ ~ ~ !!!

The law building we'll be using next semester on Front Street - I love it, I think it's a beautiful building!! The REASON I am here :)

The Pyramid (Memphis, in Ancient Egypt, was also a big city on a big river like Memphis, TN!) & the "M" bridge (M for Memphis or M for Mississippi River, as it goes over the Mississippi River from Tennessee to Arkansas!).

Welcome to Mud Island! Pretty pretty houses that line the river (Memphis' mini Charleston) and the path by the river where I have run the past two days, I just love it!!

My lil abode so far! My new bedding - pink & green! The painting from Nerja, Spain, that my mom got framed, she did a great job, I love the beautiful frame and it matches my head board so well! A framed picture of Robin & me from Kindergarten & my sister & me dancing in Spain! My swanky pink & black bathroom!

The Constant Princess

Day 3 in Memphis.

I am well. I am peaceful. I just finished "The Constant Princess" & am filled with thankfulness for the memories in Spain with my family, & inspiration from Catherine Queen of England, Catalina, Infanta of Spain's life. She was the constant princess. Her life can teach me so much.

She was calm, patient, constant, level headed, emotions kept in check, feathers never ruffled, steady, smooth, never rude.

The bible says:

"Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised" Prov. 31:30.

"Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight" 1 Peter 3:3-4.

A gentle and quiet spirit is what I seek dear Lord. Like Catherine I am passionate, with an affinity towards letting my emotions overpower me. But above my weaknesses, my identity is found in that I am God's daughter, daughter of the King.

She feared nothing. She was resolved never to let her emotions spiral her into weakness and despair as her sister Juana did. She did not settle for anything less than her goals and worked for them, waited for them.

God gives me courage and the resolve of a man, yet the dignity and grace of a woman, a woman after His heart, as His daughter. I can hold my head up high with honor and grace. With strength and courage from God I can also be constant.

I am very blessed because I have been called to love and serve Him with my life. This I believe. My life is richer, more rewarding and fulfilling because He is in my life and my life serves a purpose bigger than myself & my desires. Satan tries to make me resent being good, tries to show me the allure of trouble. But I am better than trouble.

Psalm 73 speaks to this..."I envied the arrogant; I saw the prosperity of the wicked. They have an easy time...did I purify my heart and wash my hands in innocence for nothing?"

Oh no. "When I tried to understand all this, it seemed hopeless until I entered God's sanctuary. Then I understood their destiny. Indeed you put them in slippery places..." Psalm 73 is good stuff.

I am a daughter of the King and a daughter of the King does not waste her time on trouble.

Proverbs says, "Whoever listens to me (me, being wisdom) will live securely and be free from fear and danger," 1:33.

The Streams in the Desert devotional today speaks to the spirit of resolve to be constant in the midst of trouble(coincidence? I think not!):

When trouble comes as trouble will why should I stop singing?
Just beyond the hill it may be that sunshine floods the green world still
He who faces trouble with a heart of cheer makes the burden lighter

Lil girl in the big city day 2

Memphis is the #18 biggest city in the U.S. according to my lil tour guide. That's pretty cool I guess!

I woke up today around 7:15 and went running on the Mud Island trail by the Mississippi River. Beautiful view, beautiful houses lining the streets, just beautiful! I ran down the path up the bridge into the city and as soon as I hit the bottom I turned around and ran back to pleasantville.

After my run I put some of my clothes away and met roommate Robin at St. Jude's Children's Hospital, where she is a nurse, for lunch.

After lunch I did my first grocery run and got some good grub for starters - veggie burgers, salsa, teddy grahams, vanilla yogurt, coffee, eggs, bread, peanut butter, carrots, apples, among other random things - hopefully this will last me for a bit!

I was proud of myself for navigating through the city - it is on a grid and isn't too complicated, but I didn't get lost or scared!

Then, I went and sat out by the pool and read the novel I hope to finish, "The Constant Princess." I have 100 pages left, I hope I can do it! I saw one of Clint's best friends Adam Ross who is in med school which was nice to see a familiar face!

I then went inside and made a smoothie with my new Magic Bullet - vanilla yogurt, some strawberries, blueberries, and some ice, and it was SO delicious! I think the Magic Bullet will be SO useful & it is SO easy to use, I love it! Look ma, I am making creations in the kitchen! My mom would be proud. :)

Then I went back to the pool and roommate Robin joined me and we stayed 'til about 6:30 then came back to our apartment and made dinner of chicken (I put salsa on top of mine), spinach, & corn & I had some blueberry ice cream and she is eating chocolate chips! We have cozy blankets and I may resume reading.

A good second day I'd say! Both parents called to check on me, I said so far so good! :)

Tomorrow I am planning to go to the bank, map out my drive to the law school, then the pool, and after her work Robin and I are going to a good pastry place to get cupcakes!

poem for emily

I wrote this for a few reasons.

I love the Tom Petty song "Free Fallin" but wanted to write something about a good girl, whereas his song is about a bad boy.

The good girl in my poem reminds me partly of Emily's struggle with a bad boy & my own, as a reminder of the lesson I've learned how good girls should not waste their affections on the bad boy because they are not worth it because they are not in the proper state of mind or state of heart to appreciate a good girl.


Hey there, Hey there lil good girl
In your lil sweet dress
Oh you lil baby doll
You're daddy's princess
You're the good girl, so lovable and true
Why o why lil good girl is he not there for you?

Because he's a bad boy, bad to the bone
You can't bring him up, he'll just pull you down & leave you all alone

He has too much fun breaking all the rules
If you give him your heart you're a fool
He'll break that too

Hey there, Hey there lil good girl
In your lil sweet dress
Oh you lil baby doll
You're daddy's princess
You're the good girl, so lovable and true
Why o why lil good girl is he not there for you?

Because he's a bad boy, and he doesn't care how he's hurt you
Because if he cared he'd stop what he's been doing, his actions would prove
He's a bad boy, and he doesn't care how he's hurt you
He's a bad boy for breaking your heart

You want to believe him, that he really wants to change
He's slept around like there's no tomorrow
You're too good to cross certain lines
His wild ways bring you so much sorrow
Waiting for him to change is waiting you'll do in vain

Good girl, you have so much love to give
But he's a bad boy and only gives you trouble
You have a very full life out there to live
Without him
You're so much better without him

You're not a fool for trying
But you're not the remedy he needs
Don't be ashamed for crying
You're not fallin', but you are free

Because you're the lil good girl
In your lil sweet dress
Oh you lil baby doll
You're daddy's princess
You're the good girl, so lovable and true
You're the good girl, so lovable and true
You're the good girl, so lovable and true

And he sure as heck doesn't deserve you!

And I'm walking in Memphis! :)

I know, I know, cheesy - the ol' walkin in Memphis song.

But I'm here. I'm finally here! I'm in Memphis!!

Mud Island is absolutely precious & the view right on the river is so gorgeous. I have a feeling I could be really happy here - I am right now, anyway (which is always good, right, to start off on a super positive note, right?!).

I can't wait to burn up that running path right on the river! Jay said Mud Island reminded him of Seaside - cute lil houses, walking paths.

Our apartment is IMMACULATE. Robin and her mom did such an incredible job decorating, it is really so unbelievably nice - a young lady's apartment for sure! All it needs is smiling faces to fill it..oh yeah, and for me to put my stuff in its place. I want to get everything in its place but I know it may take some time.

I put Franky Sinatra on as some inspiration as I do what I can for now.

Perhaps I will try out our huge pool & running paths tomorrow tomorrow. Oh, the possibilities!

Mom, Dad, & Jay helped me move the stuff in, and we drove around a bit together trying to familiarize me with the area, major roads, landmarks, etc, and now, to avoid getting sad since they just left, I am going to keep unpacking & listening to Frank! Can't wait to see my lovely roomie, Robin!!!!!!

End of an era & the turning of a page

I do realize I have graduated college. Finally. Took a couple months.

As much as I was "done" & ready to move on & couldn't wait to leave, it saddens me that the college chapter in my life is finished.

Last night I went to my brother's college send-off party and it was sweet to see all the teens so excited about college. College is wonderful. They should be excited.

They have NO idea about how close you can get to people in such a short amount of time, what it's like to live with friends instead of your parents, not checking in with mom & dad with your plans, going out on a weeknight several nights in a row, being in class 1,2,3 hours a day instead of 8, what it means to live in the library, living on a budget, the rigor of college courses, the thrill of a college football game, the joys of tailgaiting, new faces, a new city, frat parties, going to bars, going to dances/functions.

It's the kind of thing you can't explain to people; they just have to live it for themselves.

My brain/heart has a knack for forgetting the bad and vividly remembering mostly good, which has gotten me in trouble on more than one occasion, but I am so glad I can look back on my college experience with fond, warm, happy memories, and remember those 4 years as a thrilling time of growth & change.

I do know, however, that my time had come to go and it wouldn't be right for me to be coming back in the fall. I have a renewed sense of purpose today concerning my next chapter in life, my mission that awaits.

I had been reading "The Constant Princess" & despite the many trials she faces, Princess Catherine had kept her composure and her emotions in check throughout it all & never let people see her cry or weak, and I think I had been trying to do that too. But, last night I needed to cry and I did. I cried & cried. I was sad to be leaving my family and Clint, sad because I missed my Furman friends, sad that the chapter of Furman was over. Clint was so comforting. Comforting words & he held me close & let me cry. Didn't scold me for my tears, they just showed it meant a lot to me, Furman and its people meant a lot to me. I will treasure those 4 years always.

But guess what awaits me?!!!

I get to live with my best friend Robin!! We have been best friends for 20 years!!! Dat's right, 2 decades. I have a framed picture of us from Kindergarten that I'm going to put on display in our apt.

I am going to LAW SCHOOL. There is a "swearing in" ceremony, signifying our entrance into the legal profession. !!!!

I have 5 days of rest - Friday at home, & Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, in Memphis before orientation kicks off. Doesn't sound like a lot, but I tend to get restless if I don't have activities, so I will use that time to rest, read, run, put my room together. I don't have much furniture yet or my stuff together yet. Perhaps I should get on that, get my sheeeeet together. I have time.

Just BREATHE.

Remember, God loves you.

Try giving thanks.

A visit to South Carolina

This past weekend Clint and I went to Tyner & Zeke’s wedding in Charleston, SC.

We passed through Greenville first. Caroline greeted us with a squeal and ran to meet us upon our arrival around 6. We made great time driving, only stopped once, and made it in about 5 hours. Caroline gave me a bottle of shiraz and The Sex and the City movie for my birthday – so perfect, a great, thoughtful gift. Clint and I freshened up, then we went downtown Greenville for dinner at Trios, an Italian place, and met up with the fabulous Brita Long and Nancy, my tridelt big sister, and her husband Joseph. Trios was delicious – I do love their flatbread – and we moseyed over to Luna Rosa for some gelato, “birthday cake” being my selection because it had sprinkles mixed in. The 6 of us then made our way to Falls Park, one of my favorite – if not most favorite – spots in Greenville. It was very fun spending time with some of my very favorite people. The Norts went home and the rest of us went to a bar to meet up with some Furman people. The bar was very crowded, and the crowd was pretty trashy, and we were tired so we did not stay long.

Saturday we were on the road by 9:45 and made our way to CHARLESTON. We made good time on the road and arrived by lunch time. Mandy & David were meeting up with “some of the boys” for lunch which we figured meant my ex so Caroline, Clint, and I went to Bubba Gump Shrimp Co – the first restaurant I went to my first visit to Charleston back during freshman year – because we wanted seafood and I did not particularly want to be in close proximity with my ex if I didn’t have to. I knew it was inevitable that we would both be at the wedding this weekend, but I did not see it necessary to share a meal. Caroline and I shared a delicious dish of tilapia with a mango & pineapple salsa – very refreshing and Clint got a hamburger – a Charleston hamburger. The three of us then moseyed to the Battery, one of my favorite spots in Charleston and took some pictures and drank in the gorgeous day.

We then went back to our hotel and got to spend time with our friends – Mandy, David, Amanda, and Ann – while getting ready for the wedding. Twas great fun seeing them again. We cabbed it to the church and were greeted by bagpipes and big “L”s with flowers on them. The bridesmaids wore navy and carried pink flowers and Tyner had a lovely lace dress. I especially liked the wedding message and how in their vows they said “I take you as a gift from God.” It was a very sweet, beautiful ceremony. It was so nice having Clint on one side of me and Caroline on the other. I was excited and anxious and Caroline helped calm my nerves. Don’t know what I would do without her.

Afterwards the bagpipe man led us to the reception site at the Wickliffe house, a white, lovely Charleston home. That processional was a neat little experience. There were gorgeous flower arrangements and a tent outside for dancing. The Furman people congregated upstairs and had our dinner and drinks while catching up. It was so fun socializing and made me miss Furman people, my tridelt friends, Pi Kapps, oh so much. It made me very nostalgic. It is difficult seeing those people for such a brief amount of time. I wish I could have spent a week with them. I barely got to see Tyner except to steal her for a picture, and I only spoke with CB briefly. It was so nice seeing CB and John together, sweet as can be. I was SO happy to see Jenni!!! I have missed her so much. Bridgette and Cory are just as cute as can be and Bridgette was a lovely bridesmaid. I loved getting to see Leanna as well, and am very thankful that I got to spend so much time with her during my senior year. It was great to pick up right where we left off with Ann. I really liked getting to see some of the Pi Kapp boys – Luke, Sharkey, Happy Meal, Dan, to name a few. I had a good conversation with John Seul and was very impressed by him and how kind he was to me and Clint, too. I’m glad the boys were really nice to Clint and did not shun him. I called John out for being rude to me when I dated his friend, and he genuinely apologized and explained himself. Said friend sat back to back to Clint during dinner but never said a word to us. Clint was an incredible date. He was very social, very attentive, very handsome and easy going – a perfect gentleman. Our outfits coordinated, which pleased me. He wore a light gray suit with a black, white, and gray tie and I wore a white dress with black flowers on it and my custom made pearl, cracked glass, and beaded jewelry set that my aunt made for me.

I’m still trying to figure out why I was so anxious to see my ex. Partly because last wedding I went to where he was there he said harsh words to me and I did not want that to happen again. Maybe it did just make me sad to see him, hard to see someone that I used to know so well that I know I’ve hurt and probably harbors negative feelings for me and I can’t change that, and I don’t like to think there’s someone out there who won’t even speak to me. I don’t know what we would say to each other. I pray for him, that he can find peace and love through God and let go of the anger and hurt. God has helped me do that, and so now I can laugh at how absurd and immature we both acted in our relationship and hope he can get there some day if he isn’t already. For whatever reason, it was difficult seeing him. Caroline said his eyes kept darting over to me. I hope it wasn’t hard for him to see me there. I wouldn't wish the anxiety I felt on anyone.

I didn’t have any cake but the food sure was delicious. Crab cakes, black bean cakes, scallops with a yummy marinade. I just loved being able to talk to so many old friends. We went outside and danced for a little bit and sent off the happy couple with sparklers. It was around 11:20 when we finally called it a night and I was quite drunk.

Yesterday was a long day in the car but there is no one else I would have rather spent 9 hours in the car with than the love of my life, my darling angel, who said he “will always take care of me” and lives out those words. I feel as though, with him by my side, I can do anything. I’ve never felt so loved and accepted and cared for and delighted in.

Next summer I already know of about 4 weddings and cannot wait to go. A whole day devoted to celebrating two people being in love, what could be better! Mandy and I got to talk about hers a bit and I got to see pics of the reception site. Loved getting to see Hannah, and we got to talkin’ a bit about Bridgette’s bridesmaids dresses.

Wish I could see these people every weekend and “back to reality” has been a big slap in the face. Have to go to the dentist today for a checkup and woke up from a nightmare this morning that I had left my car in a dangerous spot and had to go back and get it late at night and find a man to escort me because there were dangerous figures lurking. Remember that time I was moving to the 2nd dangerous city in the country? Groan. I’m excited about my move, I really am, but sad the summer is over so soon. It flew by. I am going to miss my family, my doggie, my Clint. I hate being reminded how much I miss my friends and today I’m just really sad about it because I don’t know when I’ll see them again. I miss what was and have a brilliant way of forgetting the stress and bad times and just recalling the good ol’ days of my little life at Furman. I shall be thankful for what was, what is, and what will be. I may still make the same careless mistakes but I’ve known that I have grown and come a long way and can be thankful for that, thankful that my experiences and relationships from college have helped shaped me into a better person.

WOW. I saw the daily devotional a lady displays near my office and it says:

Never let yesterday use up too much of today.

Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. Behold, I will do something new. - Isaiah 43:18-19

That's God's promise to me. How desperately I needed to be reminded of this and will cling to this as I was letting yesterday's troubles spill into today and guilt get to me.

There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear

There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace
(Matthew West, Only Grace)