down at your feet again

Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in
Dont be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again
I don't want to run away from this
I know that I just don't need this

Cause I cannot stand still
I can be this unsturdy
This cannot be happening

Cause I'm waiting for tonight
Been waiting for tomorrow
And I'm somewhere in between
What is real
Just a dream
(Lifehouse, Somewhere in between)

I prayed for humility. I prayed for stronger faith. College is a transitional time my friend Carter told me. There are so many unanswered questions, so much that’s uncertain.

And that’s where faith comes in, Lauren told me today when I was sitting on the couch in Einstein’s lounge in the top of the Dining Hall. My face must have given away I was not happy – stunned is more like it, and at a loss as to what to do after I took a full length LSAT practice test and my score was even lower than the last time, even after all the time and the practice with the Online prep course. With a beautiful smile on her face and kindness in her eyes she encouraged me to trust God, trust God, TRUST GOD, that there is a reason for this and that He knows the plans for me, and not to look to this one instance as a sign that the mountain’s too big to climb (I told her how I had heard that sometimes mountains are put in our way to show how bad we want something, sometimes to show us that we need to go another path – she said not to worry about that now). She said to try not to let it ruin my day. There is no point in letting it ruin my day.

I don’t know what will happen in 3 weeks. I’ll submit it to God AGAIN, pray about it, but she encouraged me not to loose balance and I know I was starting to, I’ve been getting rather obsessed. After my weekend of feeling re-centered, this lower score came as a shock to the system, had me feeling like Humpty Dumpty, like I fell off the wall and was shattered on the ground and in pieces.

“Would you catch me if I fall out of what I fell in, Don't be surprised if I collapse down at your feet again”…and that’s the part where I fall down at Your feet AGAIN, Jesus, because I’m in pieces AGAIN…

After talking to Lauren I went to the chapel on Furman’s campus to pray. It was empty, silent. At first I was feeling sorry for myself, thinking about how stupid I must be, how frustrated and helpless I felt, how I am going to disappoint my parents and put my foot in my mouth for all the times I professed I wanted to go to law school and claimed my talents would lend themselves well to that profession. Apparently not, I lamented, on my way to the pity party that Jesus refused to show up to even though I invited Him. Like in the song, I said, “I know that I just don’t need this.”

And for some reason, I felt Him urging me to just the opposite. To my whining I felt him whisper, Why not? Who says you would understand the answers to your questions or be ready for them or receptive to them if I was to give them to you now?

Did I hear you right, Lord? That if I got what I want I wouldn’t look to you, I wouldn’t trust you? Lauren told me it is not up to us. Our lives are in Your hand.

Sometimes I thank God for unanswered prayers, Garth Brooks sings. There are no such thing as unanswered prayers, just prayers that aren’t unanswered how we want them to be answered. And silence is not necessarily a no, but I am trying to prepare my heart for no.

You KNOW. You know everything, You know all I wish I knew, all I long to know. I read in a devotional one time the person said, “that God knows is enough for me.” I pray this now. What is Your plan for my life? Is law school in the plan? I know not everyone goes to grad school right after college, so “not right now” doesn’t necessarily mean “not ever.” Why this mountain – new path or to help make me stronger by climbing it?

My friend from since I was a little baby posted on her blog in the past couple days questions so similar to what I’ve been dealing with that I wanted to include a portion of her blog below:

We talked about what we could do if we could do anything and money not be a factor. But the reality is, money is a factor, and so who even knows what it looks like to do whatever you want?

Who even knows who or what they are supposed to be doing?

Who even knows who they are?

We are so confounded by our fears, by expectations, by our emotions, that it's hard to be headstrong about your life and yourself. At least that's how I feel right now.

So I'm using Kelli here as inspiration and encouragement that doing what you love and loving what you do still exists in the career form, and that I absolutely can find it.

Is it at HPUMC?
Is it in Dallas?
Is it with Teach for America?

Who even knows...

Who even knows. God knows. I just want to know.

And despite knowing this, I don’t feel it in my heart yet but hopefully I will. My current status is still “confounded” by all those things my friend mentions. Jesus please enter in to all that confounds me – “God is within her, she will fall” Psalm 46:5 says, so maybe, when this test is over, I won’t fall off the wall and be shattered after all. I am confounded by fear and expectations. I am so afraid of letting go of this dream, that it will slip away, that I will fail to see it come true. I thought it was where God was leading me. It makes sense to me, I felt peaceful about this. And, these thoughts are also why I am confounded – that certain people will mock this, scold me for not being discerning enough, for not knowing what I am supposed to do, for thinking I saw a path when it really was just a closed door. I am so afraid if I fail people will love me less, that they won’t be proud of me anymore – yeah, that must be what it boils down to, because as I typed that, tears came to my eyes. So with this fear it is hard to feel like the little engine that can when, on days like today, I hit a bump in the track and start rolling down the hill again. Lauren said it is just a bump in the road. Am I going to slide all the way down the hill after one bump, two bumps, or do I keeeeep singing the Chumbawumba song, “I get knocked down, but I get up again.” Yessssss that song… haha It is hard to be headstrong and confident after the bump in the road today, but God is within me, so I will not fall.

July 4 in my “Streams in the Desert” devotional says the following:

The revelation awaits an appointed time…though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay (Habakkuk 2:3)

For some who pray expecting an answer, it takes a long time to learn that delays of answers are not denials. In fact, in the “delayed blessing office” there are deep secrets of love and wisdom that we have never imagined! We tend to want to pick our blessings while they are still green, yet God wants us to wait until they are fully ripe…do not grieve Him by doubting His love. Instead, lift up your eyes and begin praising Him right now for the deliverance that is on its way to you. Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith.

Wow. Let me go over that again: “Do not grieve Him by doubting His love. Instead, lift up your eyes and begin praising Him right now for the deliverance that is on its way to you. Then you will be abundantly rewarded for the delay that has tried your faith.”

That’s hope I can cling to today, though I am so desperate to know if this is a closed door or not. With that hope I am going to keep chugging. If I am not supposed to get over this mountain, perhaps it is refining me, strengthening my faith for another mountain. I don't know the reasons why I am stuck in this time of transition and uncertainty, but God knows and God loves me and I am not alone in this time. I may have fallen at His feet, started rolling down the hill, but I am by no means shattered like I thought.

The path way is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reasons why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that you do
I will walk through the valley if You want me to
(Ginny Owens, If You Want Me To)