On a night like this

On a night like this
I could fall in love
I could fall in love with you

Spoiler: he asked me to be his girlfriend. We’re official.

His name’s Clint Wickles and we were friends in middle school and freshman year of high school. Our moms grew up down the street from each other and played together when they were little and so our grandparents were even friends. I went to his freshman year homecoming dance but was too busy chasing older guys in high school and we drifted apart but I would see him at cross country meets because we both ran and at an annual 5-mile race Thanksgiving morning and ran that together one year.

So we started messaging each other randomly on facebook…the day after I went to see a counselor and made the decision to tell R.D. to give me space and not to talk to me. Literally, the last entry in my journal before there is any mention of Clint is my script of what to say to R.D. – my “letting go” script.

My journal is a beautiful thing.

May 21 – “I am so thrilled. I am thrilled to know there’s guys out there like Clint. Great guy. Great family. Guy w/faith. So cute. So motivated. There are guys out there like him. Not even just like him, him! He’s the full package. It’s easy to lump all these feelings on him while it’s been years since I’ve talked to him or seen him…all I know is he is so cute and I can’t wait to see him.”

May 22 – “I feel peaceful about this. My heart doesn’t feel in a mess.”

May 27 – “I submit [these feelings] to You. Cure me of them if they are not from You. Take away this peace I feel towards him if it is not from You…I need You to show me in a big way if this is not right…I’m taking my hands off of this and using both hands to cling to You”

June 7 – “God, he is so wonderful. I am captivated. I am inspired by what a fine man he is, what a wonderful person, who follows his convictions, is bold enough to convict others, is true to who he is, is alive, is mature, is so kind and receptive and gracious.”

June 8 – “All the former grief and sorrow evaporates, grows dim in the shadow – all the heartache is gone when I am with Clint. It is so insignificant in his presence.”

June 22 – “One month later I’m still peaceful and overjoyed by his presence in my life. I can’t doubt/deny this is a HUGE blessing, this huge dose of affirmation... I want to remember what this feels like because it’s nothing I’ve ever felt before. This calmness, this warmth surpasses all others... [his presence] is refreshing and pure and sweet.”

June 28 – “I am grateful, thankful, peaceful, basking in the warmth of Your presence, in the care of Your arms…You show me Your love in a really big way through Clint. He reminds me of You and reminds me of how I am dearly loved and valued by You. I thank you for this incredible peace.”

The first time I saw him we went to Chili’s for a 2 ½ hour first dinner and back to my house for 2 ½ more hours to sit by the pool with the waterfalls turned on and a sky full of stars above.

That weekend we went to Loveless Café for lunch then out to my beloved family farm where we went on a walk, a river hike, swimming in the river, and a hike up a hill to a beautiful meadow and came back to my house and my dad grilled hamburgers.

The next weekend he met me for lunch after I took a practice LSAT.

The next week we went to Centennial Park in Nashville where there is a replica of the Parthenon and we threw Frisbee in the park until an outdoor movie started – Dirty Dancing – but we didn’t watch it, and instead laid back on a blanket talking and looking at the stars.

This week he came over and we watched a Dane Cook performance and Friday night I surprised him with a ghost tour – a “haunted tavern tour” that we went on with Bridgette and Corey. I got some Chardonnay, we got dinners to-go from Publix and went to Bridgette’s place to eat. We kicked off the night in an Irish Pub and made our way around downtown with a tour guide hearing haunted tales and partaking in “spirits” with spirits. The tour ended and as the lovebirds went bar hopping we sat on a bench.

I don’t know how it started, but sitting there on a bench in the middle of downtown Nashville on a lively Friday night – in the midst of a blur of cars and people and faces and music and bright lights – the feelings and truth spilled out and I must have said “I feel the same way” a dozen times. We both had prayed about this, tried to fight it, felt so blessed and encouraged, and felt led to a relationship.

And so he asked to be his girlfriend and I accepted.

We met up with Bridgette and Corey again and went to Paradise Park, a bar on Broadway, where we danced and danced to a country band.

We came back to my house and talked some more then had the best first kiss ever.

The only angst I’ve felt this entire time was the frustration of convincing myself I didn’t deserve him and a guy like that couldn’t possibly want me and the frustration of not knowing how he felt toward me and not wanting to get my hopes up but knowing I was falling for him. This peace I feel is unbelievable. It had felt like wave after wave was knocking me down…and then I (re) met him and the waves ceased… and there was a calm.

So that’s where I am now. We have begun our relationship.

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
And we'll never find another
Just realized what I just realized
We'd never have to wonder if
We missed out on each other now

I don’t know where this will take me, but I know it is God’s will for my life right now. I submitted an OK relationship to God to empty my hands for greater blessing and I have been richly rewarded for that obedience. God is faithful.