lessons on 'appropriate'

What did you learn at school today?

The question parents would ask & kids would respond uuhhhhhhh....

Well, I learned a lot at school today. After class.

It had been a tough weekend. I had been upset, but I had also taken some things personally and jumped to conclusions. So we began by talking about feeling types (Fs), as compared to the thinking types, on the Myers-Briggs test. 2/3 of women are Fs; it's the only personality type letter with a gender bias. Fs strive for harmony, don't like there to be conflict, want people to be happy. Because I take things personally, and she said that's common for F's to do, when a conflict comes up they want to fix it right away and make it go away and when they can't, it's hard on the Fs. In addition to taking the blame for negative actions, according to this survey of my roommates, I also do not take credit for positive things that happen.

When situations arise,when I am inclined to take things really personally, what she advised me to ask myself is this:

"Is this the only option, the only explanation? Is this even true?"

Is the only option for why X happened? Is this the only explanation for why X happened?

My big "ah, ha" light bulb moment of the session. Questions that will now really help me in my approach towards life.

She advised me towards self-monitoring, seeing when I get upset, to notice it earlier in the process before I'm off the deep end and get to the point where I am no longer responding appropriately. Because I did not respond appropriately and I am sorry for that. I do think that should be the goal - not resolving things instantly, or throwing my feelings to the side, or making it all about me, but an appropriate balanced response.

She advised me to ask myself, a spin-off of Dr. Phil's "well, how's that working out for you?", "Is this behavior effective/giving me the outcome I want, OR making things worse/more difficult?"

She pointed out how planning for lots of scenarios could be a good thing (sometimes I plan for the worst, assume the worst, so I have a plan in case the worst happens, but that involves so much unnecessary worry & effort & negative thinking), but to consider what is the likeliness of X occurring, and to consider if it is a possibility or more of a probability because they aren't the same. To ask, how probable is this to be true, because, just because it's possible doesn't mean it is true. Because anything really can be possible, but is it probable...

Most my freak-out was caused by assumptions, thoughts, of things that weren't probable, weren't grounded in evidence. When has he ever shown a tendency not to value my thoughts? Is there evidence this is likely? The answer to this is a big fat NO! I'm very sorry for responding that way. Now I am more aware of this tendency and can use this information to respond better & appropriately in the future.

Ah, the issue of 'appropriate,' one of the reasons why I was upset during the weekend. She made me feel like I did have good reason to be upset, that a particular interaction between my boyfriend and his friend was not appropriate. If chicky really needed someone to talk to, she could talk to one of her friends, her own boyfriend, or even a counselor like I was doing, but was crossing the line of what was appropriate, just like one of my friends did back in the fall, since she was going to one of her boyfriend's best friends for advice about their problems. Though I had been good friends with a certain guy for many years, he started making disparaging comments about my boyfriend which were not appropriate, so I have not talked to him since. I'm not saying don't talk to her, but since I wasn't comfortable with how they were talking and what they were talking about and didn't deem it appropriate, he agreed to limit talking to her in that way.

We talked about how "God feeds the birds, but he doesn't put it in their nests - they have to go out and get it." How, sometimes our tendency is to try to keep the nest filled and store up extra food and put up extra support for the nest and extra shelter, to do way more than necessary because we think its necessary and maybe the more we do the better we are, the more of a chance we have of getting things right, getting things perfect, and if we just try harder we can be perfect.

She said perfectionism gets rewarded in our culture, but you don't have to be perfect. I asked if she hears about this issue much on this campus and she said oh, only about every ten minutes. I'm not alone in this environment of high achievers, high accomplishers, creme de la creme competing and comparing themselves with other creme de la creme.

So, she advised towards finding the difference between when we need to do something to the best of our ability and when you just need to do it, to notice the demands of the circumstance and adjust your expectations accordingly. In any given circumstance, does it require the very best you're capable of, or doing the best for that circumstance. Revise expectations of yourself in order to try not to be so hard on yourself. If you can't make everyone happy, that's FINE, and that's often an unrealistic expectation, any way. If you can't resolve something at a given moment, that's FINE, you haven't failed at life, just consider what the moment is calling for you to do and be...to give what's needed for the circumstance, not too much or too little, but what's just right. Like the porridge in Goldilocks. Or like God giving manna.

We talked about manna, how God instructs us to gather only what we need for the day. If you gather too much, it becomes unpleasant (in the case of the Israelites, the excess manna became moldy) and unnecessary (because it's not using our time and talents wisely because it's requiring unnecessary energy & too much of us to gather manna we don't even need, can't even use). God will provide your needs for that day. The big question is can we trust God to take care of our needs in the present moment?

Our culture emphasizes (believes the lie?) that more is better, that we can always work harder and do more.
Our culture emphasizes personal gain/achievement over living a balanced life.

We talked about the importance of praising people, not actions - my desire to be loved for me, not what I do. The importance of celebrating peoples' being, not just doing. Praising personal qualities and effort, not just achievements/outcomes/rewards.

She told me about the books The Not So Big House and The Not So Big Life, which I now want to read. Books about how most of us have too much in our lives; our lives are full, but not in a good way, because they are too full. What we need to learn to recognize is what is enough. How much is enough? It takes effort and time to discern this.

She reminded me that ya live and ya learn and not to beat myself up if I make the wrong choice. For instance, Friday night, I did not want to go bowling. I could see Clint was having a good time with his friends, and even though he said it would be ok to come back to his house, I agreed to go bowling, thinking it could be a nice distraction, that it could be a fun activity, but I was wrong. She compared this to an old camera lens; sometimes you have to turn the lens to get the camera in focus. You turn it, turn it, turn it, then ooopps you've gone too far so you have to go back. She told me not to be so hard on myself for over-calculating. I tried something, it didn't work, my life is not a catastrophe because I called the wrong shot. Which relates to the joke she has with her husband; whenever one of them messes up the other one jokes, "What, you're not perfect yet?" She told me, it's a process, and it's really ok not to be perfect.

Living and learning.