a little spark of madness

i was untagging pictures of myself and i came across a picture from beach weekend 2 years ago of my friends sitting on a bench...a very happy time indeed. good times with good, true friends. i shall miss this place and my friends here. the people are definitely what make it what it is, the friends that are true. oh man spring break starts tomorrow. Yeah right im not doing homework right now.

I might watch a movie before bed. I had to be selective about what movie. i think most tv and following the news can be very bad for the soul and music and running and being with friends is very good.

sometimes i feel like im going crazy. I learned of both these quotes from facebook and love them:

You're only given a little spark of madness. You musn't lose it. -Robin Williams

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!” Jack Kerouac


...its alright to be a little bit crazy while in this world. we werent meant to be here forever anyway no wonder it doesnt feel like home.

i always get stressed this time of year when i have to find a job/internship and i always find something. but the lack of certainty kills me so i look for something to cling to. and when its anything other than God it just doesn't work. that's been the story of this week, learning not to cling to my plans, my boyfriend, my parents approval, because they wont give me rest and arent certain, but God is. i know this. but i try anyway and it makes things worse.

today has been a good day. I have spent time with my friends and have had some good processing talks and good time with God where I ran to him instead of running away.

My friends have been so wonderful with helping me process "stuff"...because you can put it all out there, and they can help you sort through it...my roommate Jessie and I tonight described the therapeutic aspect of talking to someone like frying an egg...you crack the egg, it splatters on the pan, and they help you make something useful out of it, and voila, a consolation prize. In my case, food or a relationship issues weren't the only reason why I'm getting upset, so it is helpful to see what underneath is getting to me and distressing me. One of the things that was helpful to address was how I take negative things realllyyyy personally and don't take credit for positive things.

I don't know what I want to do next year. I still want to go to law school...but I don't really want to take out a bunch of loans...I'm kind of just ready to make some money and be done with school...going to law school is not a dream I've had for my whole life, it's kind of a new thing I'm pursuing...I've gotten in to Mississippi College Law and Memphis University and am still waiting to hear back from UT. I am very intimidated at the prospects of moving somewhere new...there's a law school in Nashville that's not accredited so I couldn't practice outside TN, but it is quite a bargain and has a high bar passage rate and a high employment rate...but I never know what hand life will deal me, what if I get married and my spouse gets transferred then what? I know someone who owns a publishing company in nashville. he said he could put together some writing projects for me back in january and i've emailed him a few times; am wanting to pursue that, but don't know to what extent...take on projects while in school? or try to work for him full time? just gotta keep praying and the path will become clear, my mom told me.

the more i type, the more appealing that sounds...i started reading a book on vocation, and it advises to go back, think back to when you were younger, and weren't as surrounded by the pressures of who the world, society, your family and peers wanted you to be and think about what you liked, what you did and enjoyed and wanted to be when you were younger. i have always loved to write. i wrote stories when i was younger, always have kept a journal, love blogging, the first major i chose was English...there could be something to it. hmmmmm....

and then theres law school. i remember my friend saying his dad didnt like law school, it was a means to an end, and could be the means to a very wonderful rewarding career. the economy is shite because people spent way too much money they dont have, and i really dont want to spend money i dont have right now. if money wasnt an object, i would go, but this is my deal. and since i dont have a clear path, a clear direction as to what law i definitely want to study - mean i have some ideas, but nothing certain - shouldn't i wait? perhaps?

you cant force anything. That’s a lesson my moms tried to teach me.

So my final thought for the night is this:

Please believe that things are good with me and even if they’re not, they will be soon enough ( from Perks of Being a Wallflower).

Yes please believe.

Did I mention spring break starts tomorrow (!!!!).