this love

“This love is difficult, but it’s real” – Taylor Swift, Love Story

Love languages are a tricky thing.
They’re not about how you want to love a person/show love, but how that person needs to be loved, what kind of love makes them feel most loved. Dr. Chapman boiled the love languages down to 5 – words of affirmation, physical touch, quality time, gifts, and acts of service.

I am feeling sorry for myself today because can’t figure out the best way to love a certain person right now. He said his love language was quality time. We don’t have that luxury right now of doing things together because we are 350 miles apart. So I do what I can – I made him cookies and sent them to him (gifts) with a nice letter (it’s not the first I sent, because I try to remind him daily how wonderful he is and how much he means to me – words of affirmation), physical touch isn’t an option right now, nor is service really, but maybe the way I’ve shown that is how I spend money on him or maybe that’s just gifts. It’s my fault because all those other ways of showing love aren’t his love language so they don’t mean nearly as much but I try them anyway and get really sad when he doesn’t just flip cartwheels out of appreciation. Our phone time is our quality time and I was so excited to talk to him yesterday and tried to show him that but he didn’t seem to get that either. I’m kind of at a loss as to what I can do, because I feel I am doing the best I can given the circumstance, or maybe I’m just projecting these feelings of him of I don’t know how to love him because I feel like he doesn’t know how to love me. And maybe I just expect too much. Maybe I feel like he just doesn’t care about the little things I do to show love – I just want to figure out what would make a difference, what he would care about. It doesn’t help that physical touch is my love language – I love being held – my hand, or myself, just hold me. As far as money goes, it is worth it to me to spend money on him if he appreciates it, it’s worth it to me if it’s worth it to him, but if it doesn’t matter, I guess it’s not worth it. I’m thinking about this in regards to a plane ticket for Nancy’s wedding. If he acknowledged that he appreciated me spending hundreds of dollars so we could be together I wouldn’t mind so much but he doesn’t seem to get that things like that are a big sacrifice on my part and I don’t mind if it means something to him. I am saying the same thing over and over again. Maybe I shouldn’t expect so much. Maybe we should talk less so when we do it is more purposeful. Sometimes I just really can’t do silly. I was trying to be serious last night. I love being silly and I love that he’s silly but when I need him to be serious and take me serious I just wish he could be that for me. I just feel like I am too much. Maybe I am expecting too much, wanting too much, I have always been very intense in relationships, and I am taking this one very serious because I want to be with him always. But maybe I shouldn’t be too serious. Oh what is the balance because I know I am to look to God first for love, that only God can satisfy my heart but God also gives us relationships where love is involved and it doesn’t seem too preposterous to seek love from those relationships as well. I am trying to figure out how I can feel loved from this relationship given what I have to work with, what reasonable expectations are, and love languages – must cater to the love languages to avoid this sinking feeling of being unappreciated. Love is difficult. Love can mend your life but love can break your heart (Message in a Bottle – The Police). Love is so worth it though and that’s why it endures all things, hopes all things, and never fails. This is the easiest “love” relationship I’ve ever had but it hasn’t been perfect and I am glad for that. He isn’t perfect and so my heart is directed to worship the One who is instead; Clint has been an AMAZING picture of God’s love, and I am finding the balance of enjoying the picture, being grateful for the picture, loving the picture, but not in proportionate to my love for the object the picture attempts to capture, Jesus Christ. Clint points me to Jesus, resembles Jesus, but he’s not Jesus. And that’s ok. I can love them both. I may fail at it, but each has a very special place in my life and I can love them in respect to their place. Yeah. Ok. Feeling better now.