beloved.

Beloved by Tenth Ave North: God's heart towards you, God's heart towards me. A heart of pure, passionate, unfailing, redemptive, never ending love, that entered our broken world so we could know Him and spend eternity with Him.

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
Give me your life
Lust and the lies
The past you're afraid I might see
You've been running away from me

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
It binds you to me
It's a mystery

Love of my life
Look deep in my eyes
There you will find what you need
I'm the giver of life
I'll clothe you in white
My immaculate bride you will be
Oh come running home to me now

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
and Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
and it binds you to me yea now now

Well you've been a mistress, my wife
Chasing lovers it won't satisfy
Won't you let me make you my bride
You will drink of my lips
And taste new life

You're my beloved
Lover I'm yours
Death shall not part us
It's you I died for
For better or worse
Forever we'll be
Our Love it unites us
it binds you to me

You're my beloved
Forever we'll be
Our love it unites us
And it binds you to me
It's a mystery

That song was just what I needed to hear. I'm listening to it on repeat before I go to sleep.

It's the message I needed to hear because today has been a rather long day. I'm worn out & feel like I've read this stuff over & over again so my eyes just start skimming & stop absorbing. I had the worst headache - probably from reading this outline that has really small font - so I took a nap. And a bubble bath. And some advil. Headache is gone, thank you God. Come on body, don't fail me now, just one more week.

I'm so nervous & feel so much pressure. I want to do my best. I don't want to fail. I really really really want to be in law school and am so thankful and happy to be here, I don't want to have to leave. I feel called to be here. I have felt such a peace here and feel like I am where God wants me.

I'm nervous that if I don't do well - what? People will think differently of me? Won't like me as much? Won't be as proud of me? I'm giving it my best.

I know at the end of the day my performance on these tests is not what defines me, and I am not just saying that to make myself feel better; no, in these hard times I can rest in Him, knowing He calls me beloved no matter what I do, no matter when I fail or fall or question and turn from His love. My identity and my worth is because God deems me worthy, and worth loving. I know I just have to trust Him when He says, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

I know I have to trust Him, period. Because I often can't understand the purpose of things. I ask why, but instead of answers, I need a heart that will trust Him fully. I can trust Him to care for me, that He knows best. As the year wraps up, I have more questions than answers but a greater awareness of His strength and that I can cast my cares on Him because He cares for me, & that He already knows what I'm going through anyway, and runs to meet me where I am with open arms.

thankful

Even on the most difficult days, life is a privilege and a joy.

That pretty much sums up life right now. :)

...my shortest blog post ever...

this i must share

Many, many former 1Ls have been quite quick to dispense wisdom or go off on a tirade about how worried they are about finals.

One of my friends said simply, "don't worry about finals. You'll be fine."

That was the BEST advice I've received yet.

Sure, there's a healthy apprehension to have in approaching these big tests. They are very important.

But I am a Christian, and my God instructs me to cast my cares on Him & NOT to worry. God NEVER says worry is an appropriate response; worry seems to show we are not trusting in Him to take care of us. Worry doesn't have any room in the life of a believer, if you think about it. It is...useless. Unproductive. Unhealthy. Unnecessary. Therefore, if I study hard, do the best I can, why should I worry about what happens? Maybe that sounds naive. I can control the outcome of my exam performance to the best of my ability, but cannot control that which is beyond my control.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing
bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that
never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm
on some idle Tuesday. - Sunscreen Song

I COULD worry, but I know that worry is ineffective. I am instead channeling that energy towards my task at hand and towards staying positive.

Zeke, I seem to recall that you do not like Jason Mraz, but I am confident he was on to something when he said: "I WON'T WORRY MY LIFE AWAY." :)

I don't think this is a naive approach. I am not saying "hakuna matata" - problem free philosophy. There are legit problems. But don't worry about them.

There's a bumper sticker that says "Relax God is in Control" with a penguin getting eaten by a goldfish being told by another penguin to relax. Now, that's what I'm talkin' about!

Happy Sunday :)

7/22

7 more days until I am going home for Thanksgiving. :)

22 more days until my last exam. :)

I have not been home in 10.5 weeks. Longest I've ever been away.

I miss home. But...I'm not homesick...or aching for it really. I'm just really, really, really excited about going back to see my family.

It rained yesterday and the chill in the air has lingered. It finally feels like winter is on its way, but it's crazy to think that next week is THANKSGIVING, &, next week, there's only a MONTH until Christmas! Whoa!

I guess you could say, about this time next week, I will be homeward bound...

Here are some pictures from last year's Thanksgiving. I have a big, wonderful, loving family. Things can get a little nuts at times. We always enjoy being together & eat until we cannot breathe on this holiday. We are blessed. :)

palpable peace

Sorry Uncle Bill, no real life update, just quotes. Please don't say 'oh you should be studying.' Be assured I am. I am also taking time to take care of my soul which keeps my head well above the waters and helps sharpen my focus for spending hours in the books. :)

If you want to imagine what I am doing, right now I am sitting on my balcony. The leaves that remain on the big tree in front of me rustle and dance in the wind. It's a place I go to sit and the peace is palpable and I know I am going to be alright.

Jay had a quote from the story people on his facebook about a girl crying not because she was sad but because life was so beautiful and short and I experience that out here. Its the kind of feeling you get when you stand beside the ocean or under a sky full of stars and feel small in a good way. In a really good way.

I feel assured that if this was my last day that I have lived it well, I have loved unreservedly with a full heart, and that's what God asks of me. Anger or bitterness can have no room in a heart that seeks to love and I imagine any of those poisonous emotions falling from me like the leaves falling from this tree to make way for something better, namely, love. My branches shall be shedding anything that doesn't please God; He'll shake it from me if I don't shuffle it off myself.

People say 'live every day as if it is your last,' & out here i think, 'if this was my last day, have i lived it well, without any lingering regrets, leaving words unspoken?' I try to give more than i take, try to leave things better than i found them. don't always succeed but sometimes i do. i believe heaven will be where we can love unreservedly, keeping our hearts wide open, where we can love and not fear, and so that's what i try to do now. people put walls up to protect themselves, but in doing so they keep out good things. there will come a day when every longing for love is satisfied & we will see love without fear or motives or chance of loss. saw a quote that said, "ships are safe in the harbor, but thats not what ships are for." so i will sail my vessel, until the river runs dry, as the garth brooks song says:

So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance that tide
And I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll tke soome falls
With the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all

And below are some story people quotes that delighted me because they remind me that life & God & love are so much grander than the anxieties that gnaw at me. they remind me that life is magnificent & magical & i hope to never loose this sense of wonder at the glory of it all, that God has done & continues to do. Another famous song says, when you get the choice to sit it out or dance, i hope you dance, and that's what the first quote makes me think of, because, tonight, i am choosing to dance. :)


Don't you hear it? she asked & I shook my head no & then she started to dance & suddenly there was music everywhere & it went on for a very long time & when I finally found words all I could say was thank you.

"There are days I drop words of comfort on myself like falling rain & remember it is enough to be taken care of by myself.'

"Hard to impress because she's already seen the sun rise today & it doesn't get much better than that."

there came a moment in the middle of the song when she suddenly felt every heartbeat in the room & after that she never forgot she was part of something much bigger

I have heard too much beauty to ever go back, he said & in that moment, I knew there was no way the children of our world would fail.

I don't know how long I can do this, he said. I think the universe has different plans for me & we sat there in silence & I thought to myself that this is the thing we all come to & this is the thing we all fight & if we are lucky enough to lose, our lives become beautiful with mystery again & I sat there silent because that is not something that can be said.

"The loss is not yours alone, she said & you will see it in their eyes when they do not think you are watching. How long does it take? I said & she put her hand on my chest & we did not speak. "

Sitting there in your pajamas & all the time in the world & if I could keep any moment it would be this: watching you & holding my breath with the wonder of it all

I only do this until I get dizzy & then I lay down on my back & watch the clouds, she said. It sounds simple but you won't believe how many people forget the second part

Dare you to move

What happens now? What happens now?
I dare you to move, dare you to move
Dare you to lift yourself off of the floor
- Switchfoot

So as I was leaving school today my car got crunched. I had cars behind me and the girl in a big ol' truck was backing up and I kept honking at her because I couldn't move and she did not see me (or hear me, apparently) and crunched into me and knocked my light out. It's still attached and works and the car's still drivable, but it really shook me up. And, I couldn't find my purse so I ran back into the building frantically looking for it, but it was in my car after all, under a newspaper (I was SO worried it was stolen & the cop was going to write me up for driving without a license!). Yea. A bit sh sh shakin, shakin' up.

So, as I told my mom, I was literally hit when I was down. I felt like I was on a roll until Wednesday, and since then, things have been ultra tough. Perhaps tomorrow will be better? Perhaps the week will end better than it started? Perhaps!

A friend had asked me to go on a walk today and some friends are going to the season opener of Memphis basketball tonight. After my lil accident today I was tempted not to do either, thinking I wouldn't be the most sterling of company since I don't feel like my chipper self & I hate not feeling like myself. But I went on the walk and it was GREAT. It was a beautiful fall day and my gal pal is a happy-go-lucky chick just rolling along, doing her thing, loving life. Just what I needed.

Satan likes to tempt us to show us what we don't have that we miss out on everything we do have. The sun comes up and a new day comes even when we may not feel we have enough joy or strength to face it, but I know I need to keep the Switchfoot song in mind and think of it as God's dare to us, daring us to keep going, keep running towards the goal He has called us towards in Christ, daring us to lift ourselves off of the floor. Maybe we failed in some way or were rejected or felt like we tried our best and it wasn't good enough, but the story doesn't end there.

We can be thankful He cares enough to till up & break up the stagnant soil of our hearts for planting and cares enough about us to run us through the refiner's fire so we will be better, purer, stronger, instead of leaving us alone, letting us settle, being indifferent. Apathy and indifference is worse than hatred because it is saying you don't even care enough to feel a strong emotion. But God cares, oh does He care. He cares enough to take away what we love if it is holding us back from our potential and what is best for us. He cares enough to protect us from our complacency in order to give us HIS BEST -- if we are complacent to make mud pies He cares us enough to show us a vacation at sea is available to us, as CS Lewis says.

It won't be more than we can stand. It won't kill us. It will make us stronger.

So as Kanye West says I'm going to say to God: IMMA LET U FINISH. I know He isn't done with me yet! :)

Hello, November

Last year's Halloween was one of the highlights of that fall. Memories, memories. Definitely what you'd call GOOD TIMES.

This year, I went as Dorothy and wore a sundress & had a black dog purse that I found at TJ Maxx as my Toto. I watched Wizard of Oz when I was getting ready. I went to a party a classmate of mine had then went to bed. Just had a heavy heart. However, with each day that passes it gets lighter. God takes care of me & this heart of mine.

A gal pal & I went to dinner tonight and that was such a great way to start the week. It's a new day, new week, & a new month today.

God says He knows the plans He has for me, plans to prosper me & not to harm me, plans to give me a hope & a future.

The leaves are gold & brown & green & the sky is blue. November is here. That means I got to change my calendar and set the clocks back today. Sitting out on the balcony studying in the crisp fall air was a treat. For the first time I am not terribly miserable being cold. I'm just kind of rolling with it. Worse things have happened. Haha.

I have 3 more weeks of classes. Then examinations. Then a month break for Christmas - woot woot. I try to get out of the law building as soon as I can because people are starting to get stressed. I miss my Lu.